Do you think of your life as "before" IF and "after" IF?

lovemymonkey · August 2009

Last weekend I was going through some old photo albums and found pictures of when DH and I were dating, our wedding and honeymoon pics, and pics from our first couple of years of marriage. It was bittersweet seeing them b/c I feel like we were so "innocent" then. We hadn't been "tainted" yet by the heartbreak and bitterness of infertilty.

Then I looked at more recent pictures of us and we (mostly me) just look different. I feel like my eyes look sad in all the pictures.

I know one day I'll look back at all this and know it was just a chapter of our lives, but seeing those old photos makes me realize how much infertility has affected us.

Anyone else feel sad when you see old pictures of yourself "pre-IF"?

PrincessShay80 · August 2009

Absolutely, you hit the nail on the head. I wish I could feel like i did "before IF" I wish I could be that happy again!

When I was pg, for the few blissful days- I felt so wonderful- I felt like a huge weight had been lifted on my shoudlers- and then it all came crashing down again.

The sadness is defiantely always there and the worry- it sucks! keep your chin up honey- this is temporary thats what I keep telling myself!

MrsKario · August 2009

Yes, I completely do.

We have been married less than a year, when I look at our wedding pics I am amazed at how happy we look. It wasnt that long ago.....

theworms · August 2009

Sometimes yes

When I look at our wedding pics or earlier pics from dating I often say to myself - if only we knew what we had in store We were so innocent and had no idea that IF would be an issue we would have to face.

In general I am still a happy person and very grateful for all we have but if just doesn't seem fair or right sometimes that people who don't want or don't take care of their kids get them and we don't

(((HUGS)))

dulcinea03 · August 2009

For us, it wasn't so much before IF and after IF, but really "Before Cancer" and "After Cancer". Infertility has stemmed directly from the cancer, so has become a part of that journey for us.

I do look back though, and there was an innocence that was lost, but also a strength and determination that has been gained through our journey as a couple. We are different people now than we were before, and I think it is a positive change in many ways. We take nothing for granted, we cherish every moment possible, and we put ourselves, our marriage, and our new family first. We also know what it is to struggle, to cry, and to want something so badly that comes so naturally to so many couples. Now we just keep our fingers crossed and are grateful for every day we have.

samk213 · August 2009

Yes, in fact I was just thinking about it yesterday. I've got a picture of DH and I when we were dating framed on my desk at work and for some reason yesterday I looked at it and thought to myself "Yeah, you were all smiles back then before you knew you'd be trying over 3 years to have a baby" I was ashamed of myself for thinking that, I mean how morbid, but it's true. I completely understand what you are talking about and know this is just a chapter of our lives as well and hopefully it won't always be this way.

DC+PittsburghBride · August 2009

Right now I do. My husband and I are also going through some financial difficulties relating the economy and the housing market, so the two combined together have created a big divide in my life. My expectations for life have change a lot.

may2806 · August 2009

Yes, I totally feel this way. I remember how good it felt just to be focused on each other, feeling like our whole lives were in front of us. Now I feel trapped in place, like we can't move forward with our life. I also feel like pp in that when I got pg, for those couple of weeks I was so happy, like a weight had been lifted. I felt like I could finally move forward again.

I think if we ever do get out of this nightmare, we will be stronger for it, and will be able to appreciate life in a new and different way. I'm just worried that we never will get out of it.?

lovemymonkey · August 2009

dulcinea03:

I do look back though, and there was an innocence that was lost, but also a strength and determination that has been gained through our journey as a couple. We are different people now than we were before, and I think it is a positive change in many ways. We take nothing for granted, we cherish every moment possible, and we put ourselves, our marriage, and our new family first. Life is short, love well.

I totally agree with you in that DH and I are so much stronger because of our IF. Our relationship is much deeper because of what we've been through. I've also learned to be more empathetic and thoughtful to others. IF has blessed me in many ways and I will never take that for granted.

I just think it's easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're near the end of the tunnel, ya know?

Kiki11 · August 2009

ABSOLUTELY. Just like you, I look back at old pictures (like our honeymoon photos) and we just look so blissfully happy and innocent. We had no idea what was in store for us. In all the pictures now, we have lost that carefree happy look. It's so sad. I wish I could be the old me again.

Me&Mr.T · August 2009

Yes... there was a time that I loved going to Christmas parties, baby showers, any social gathering, talking about babies, etc. I just can't do it right now. I go, but it hurts to go to things like this or talk about babies. I am dreading Christmas this year now that we found out about my cousin, who is pregnant with her 2nd child, and on welfare, bf in jail, etc.

superned · August 2009

lovemymonkey:
dulcinea03:

I do look back though, and there was an innocence that was lost, but also a strength and determination that has been gained through our journey as a couple. We are different people now than we were before, and I think it is a positive change in many ways. We take nothing for granted, we cherish every moment possible, and we put ourselves, our marriage, and our new family first. Life is short, love well.

I totally agree with you in that DH and I are so much stronger because of our IF. Our relationship is much deeper because of what we've been through. I've also learned to be more empathetic and thoughtful to others. IF has blessed me in many ways and I will never take that for granted.

I just think it's easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're near the end of the tunnel, ya know?

Definitely this. The IF has given us a feeling of, "If we can handle this, we can handle anything."

theworms · August 2009

lovemymonkey:
dulcinea03:

I do look back though, and there was an innocence that was lost, but also a strength and determination that has been gained through our journey as a couple. We are different people now than we were before, and I think it is a positive change in many ways. We take nothing for granted, we cherish every moment possible, and we put ourselves, our marriage, and our new family first. Life is short, love well.

I totally agree with you in that DH and I are so much stronger because of our IF. Our relationship is much deeper because of what we've been through. I've also learned to be more empathetic and thoughtful to others. IF has blessed me in many ways and I will never take that for granted.

this is so true there is a reason we are this crappy journey

I just think it's easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're near the end of the tunnel, ya know? definately

MrsCmx · August 2009

theworms:
lovemymonkey:
dulcinea03:

I do look back though, and there was an innocence that was lost, but also a strength and determination that has been gained through our journey as a couple. We are different people now than we were before, and I think it is a positive change in many ways. We take nothing for granted, we cherish every moment possible, and we put ourselves, our marriage, and our new family first. Life is short, love well.

I totally agree with you in that DH and I are so much stronger because of our IF. Our relationship is much deeper because of what we've been through. I've also learned to be more empathetic and thoughtful to others. IF has blessed me in many ways and I will never take that for granted.

this is so true there is a reason we are this crappy journey

I just think it's easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're near the end of the tunnel, ya know? definately

I agree with all these thoughts. But I also find it very hard sometimes to appreciate what we do have when I just want one thing.

mrskenny2be · August 2009

superned:
lovemymonkey:
dulcinea03:

I do look back though, and there was an innocence that was lost, but also a strength and determination that has been gained through our journey as a couple. We are different people now than we were before, and I think it is a positive change in many ways. We take nothing for granted, we cherish every moment possible, and we put ourselves, our marriage, and our new family first. Life is short, love well.

I totally agree with you in that DH and I are so much stronger because of our IF. Our relationship is much deeper because of what we've been through. I've also learned to be more empathetic and thoughtful to others. IF has blessed me in many ways and I will never take that for granted.

I just think it's easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're near the end of the tunnel, ya know?

Definitely this. The IF has given us a feeling of, "If we can handle this, we can handle anything."

MY DH and I feel exactly the same way. We have watched all of our 6 siblings have children or become pregnant easily while we have been TTC. 3 of my SILs are pregnant right now, so what doesn't kill us only makes us STRONGER, right?!?

JackieMac824 · August 2009

Know that I think about it - yes and the sad thing is I can look at pictures and know right when we started IF treatment because the stupid Clomid made me put on 20 pounds. Ugh.

MrsCmx · August 2009

I realized that I replied to another response but didn't reply to the OP. It's been almost three years now and I definitely can think of my life before and after. Before we were still somewhat newlywed, struggling with bills, excited about our new lives together. And now we are more financially stable but still in major IF debt, and uncertain about the future we had expected.

I haven't noticed a difference in pictures but definitely on life outlook and religious views. For example, people with kids on my FB page always say how blessed they feel and different things about their perfect lives with children. Before I would have felt just as blessed with my situation, and now I don't. We used to go to church and now we feel bitter.

pria2004 · August 2009

***ditto*** me and DH often lookand say...."man look how innocent and ignorant we were" we had no clue this IF what would be our headaches x yrs from then.

Tarahville · August 2009

I couldn't agree with this more. I see pictures from the beginning of our IF journey and I still have a sparkle of hope left in my eyes.

Now, it's like I'm going through the motions hoping that some day soon we can be that "happy" couple who was a success after IF.

Not only has the spark gone, but from the stress and emotional rollercoaster my eyelashes and hair have started to fall out. On my left eye, from the corner of my eye to about half way in, I do not have any eyelashes left.

Believer09 · August 2009

Yes! I actually don't even like looking at pics. I always think of my life as when I was "happy" and now, when I'm "not happy'. It's crazy. I look at our wedding pics and think how happy and ignorant we were. It's crazy.

Mrs.Kiltlifter · August 2009

All the time. I look at pictures and I think "we had so much hope".

austxgrl · August 2009

YES! I could have written this post myself. I look at pictures now and don't even recognize myself. My face looks hardened, I have gained an incredible amount of weight, I have bags under my eyes and no matter how hard I try, I always look sad in pictures. I also mentally feel like a different person. I wonder what I will look like after our miracle comes?

armywife76 · August 2009

Definitely! Kind of depressing, really. Feel like we're stronger as a couple, but the fairy tale of everything happening like you planned and the surprise of it are GONE.

SunMoon&Stars · August 2009

Ohhhhh, yes.

Ke11y · August 2009

YES! I do the same thing...when I look at photos from before we started ttc or we talk about things we did or places we went in our first couple years of marriage, I mourn the innocent me. I miss that time when I didn't have a care in the world (at least ttc-wise). It makes me sad. I'm ready to get back to that mindset and leave IF behind for good.

igh0318 · August 2009

Yes

It's been so long, I barely remember the old me. I am so ready to kick IFs a$$ and to be really truly happy again.

jehnm · August 2009

I echo most people's thoughts on here and it's just good to know I'm not crazy in these feelings and thoughts! I was older when I met my husband and watched all my friends get married while I was single. I really struggled through that for several years and each wedding made me a little sad. I thought when we finally married and I was joyously happy on my wedding day that kids were a given. We have a wedding picture on the wall by our bed and I always look at it and think....wow, I thought everything was perfect then!! All of my friends always comment on how great my husband is and I KNOW he was worth the wait. I keep telling myself that's how it will be when I finally become a mom!!

yellowchicky · August 2009

when i look at photos of our selves before we got married and especaily on our honeymoon i was nearly 30lbs lighter. I had the whole rest of our lives in front of us and to plan to have childern those eyes and smiles. Now in pictures its not the same. we look worn out and worry in our eyes forced smiles and forced to move on with our lives. I never thought i would be in an RE hands trying to get pregnant. Makes it even harder when you come form a culture and family who dont understand IF.

i just havent told my inlaws yet...since my one sister in law anounces her pregnancies like its an accomplishment --"in her exact words 2 wedding anniversaries 2 kids later we just want to get them done and out of the way" what the hell!!! if it was only like that.

i cant help but look at every mother and child and wish it was me.....

I even went and bought a statue of st. gerard to help and a pendant and prayer book.

thanks to PCOS and its side effects its a chapter i will forever remember....

momma mimi · August 2009

I guess I am fortunate in the fact that I knew of my IF before I met my DH. I was diagnosed with PCOS in February and met him in April. I was very upfront with him about it from the get go. So there really is no difference in our pictures.

Now the pictures I get sad about seeing are him holding our nieces or playing with our nephews. Those break my heart because I know he would make such a great dad and I wonder if I'll ever be able to give that to him.

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