Finding peace. Last post today I promise.

This is my blog post from a couple days ago.  I thought I would share as to give you ladies hope that finding peace is possible...

 

Yes it is true, I think I am finally finding peace in the situation. Is it possible? I was so worried about dealing with Grace's edd that maybe the hype was worse than the actual thing? I only cried twice yesterday. Once when my online friends did a wonderful post of "cyber hugs" for me. I was so touched it made me cry.. In a good way though, like "feelin the love" kinda cry.

Then my best friend sent me a gorgeous boquet of flowers to remember baby Grace. It was gorgeous! I was so shocked that someone had remembered her EDD.. And made the effort to do something so sweet for me on that day.. My BFF was there when Grace was born, she came to the hospital, held my hand, and even saw Grace born. She was with me the entire time. I have the best - best friend ever! The card she sent me said that Grace had touched her life forever. It made me cry. I just love her to death.. Im so greatful for her friendship.

Yesterday afternoon I prayed that God would show me direction, that he would show me that everything would be ok. I asked him for a sign.. I just really needed to see something to show me that everything was going to be ok and that I was going to be able to move on from all this mess of the past year.. I was praying for peace. I needed peace, after 5 months I needed and wanted peace..

As I was walking to DD's bus stop it happened. I looked over and noticed a butterfly flying around my head... I stopped and noticed how beautiful and graceful it was as it was circling my head. And a huge peace came over me. Like I let out a huge sigh of relief. It was strange yet so wonderful of a feeling!!!!!!!! And the butterfly stayed around me. Even after DD got off the bus and we were walking home it followed us, sometimes getting ahead, even flew up by my front door and around my porch. The beautiful little butterfly even flew over to Grace's memorial garden.  DD thought it was so cool that it had followed us down the street (two blocks)

It gave me peace. I felt like it was God's way of telling me that everything is ok, and that I am moving forward. It was like a kiss from God. And a flood of peace came with it. I cant truly explain how it felt, but I will just say it was overwhelming peace and calmness.

I know by now you think I am crazy or on some kind of drug.. I would never believe a story like this until it happened to me. I promise you I am on no medication and I was not hallucinating. DD even noticed that the butterfly was following us. I wish I had my camera with me I would have taken a picture of it.. I just know that it was Gods way of showing me peace. It was the beauty of his creation.

I am not going to try to explain any more how wonderful an experience it was that God gave me. I just hope that some day everyone that is reading this can experience that same kind of peace that only God can provide. It is a wonderful feeling I can tell you that. I am just thankful that He provided it for me.

Everything just completely fell into place yesterday. The hug posts from my online friends, my best friend sending me a beautiful boquet in Grace's memory, getting Grace's "name in the sand" picture in my email, kind words from friends, and God's peace. What a more perfect day? Filled with love and peace - I couldnt have asked for more, well except maybe that I would have had Grace in my arms yesterday. But I am ok with that now. I know that my little angel is up there wreaking havoc in heaven, if she's anything like me. : ) Sorry I had to add that it made me smile

I truly hope and pray that the peace I found yesterday stays and that I can begin to move on with a more normal life. There were some days that I felt consumed by grief.

What a glorious God we have. Even through everything that has happened to me, he never left me, he never forsake me. Even in the darkest hours when I felt he wasnt near - he was very close, I just couldnt or wouldnt see him. He has seen me through some very very rough times. But he has always been by my side. What a more wonderful caretaker for my beautiful angel? If he has taken such good care of me even when I have turned my back on him and yelled at him for things that werent his fault, he will take even better care of Grace. He kept me in His hand, he will hold Grace in His. He lifted me up when I fell, and he carried me when I couldnt get up and walk on my own.. He will tell my baby angel about me.

Thank you Jesus for being there for me even when I didnt deserve it. Thank you for blessing me with wonderful friends (online and IRL). People that have blessed me more than I can ever say. Thank you for the wonderful things you have given me, my DH, my home, my children, my family, my church family, and my friends. Please bless each and every one of them.. Please stay with me, even on days when I am "angry" with you for things that arent your fault. Show me your path. Teach me to walk in your ways. Keep me strong, help me fight off the attacks of the devil. Help me to be a good wife, a good mother, and to help others who are going through pregnancy loss. Help me reach out to those who need it the most. Use me to do your work.

And most of all thank you Jesus for the wonderful gift of peace you sent me yesterday. I know that it was of you, because no one or nothing else could grant me that kind of peace. I know that it came from you. You spent me a very special gift on a very difficult day. Thank you for hugging me from heaven yesterday. I love you Jesus, I put my trust in you. I know that you will deliver me from anything bad that could happen..


The Lord is my shepard, I shall not be in want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies, thou annoinest my head with oil, my cup overfloweth. Surely goondess and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen. Psalm 23