Are the any IVFers who haven't told anyone...

stepgirl21 · August 2009

ppl in our lives know that we want to have kids and have probably figured it out that we are having problems for various reasons. Anyway, we have been very tight lipped about all of our treatments. We didn't tell anyone about our IUIs and now that we are pursuing IVF it seems so huge. Such a big deal, I feel like we should at least tell my parents but H wants to keep it just between us. Anyone else not tell a soul about your doing IVF?

LALASEPT05 · August 2009

I am in the same situation. People know we're trying and have probably figured out that its not going well. I started an IVF in July and it got canceled. I thought about whether or not I should tell my parents I was going through it - in the end I did not. And after I was canceled I was very happy I didn't because I didn't want to have to then communicate the cancelation because at the time it was very difficult. It's so emotional going through IVF I really couldn't have managed having their expectations on my shoulders too. It's not that they wouldn't be supportive but you know just its something I wanted to keep between us. Good luck deciding!

JackieMac824 · August 2009

We have told very few people. I told my two best friends who are supportive of me and that is it. We are not telling our families anything at all. Like you said they know we have to do it - but they do not know when or how. They are not supportive and they will not understand and just make it hard so we choose not to tell them. Plus I have DH and this wonderful board and my blog readers. I do think it is a huge deal and you should have at least one person to talk to about it. Good Luck.

*jenjen* · August 2009

Our families know that ivf/pgd is our only option, but we've told them that it's too expensive, thus we cant do it. They weren't very supportive after our m/c and CF diagnosis, so i don't really want to share this journey with them, knowing that we probably wouldnt get any support, so what's the point. We're on our 3rd try this year...the only people that know are me, dh and you ladies

LuluK1102 · August 2009

We have told very, very few people...pretty much only our parents, my sister and DH's brother. At first we weren't going to tell anyone but I talk to my mom every day and it was just too hard to keep the secret, plus as the BFNs started to pile up I needed her support. None of our friends know though which has been more difficult for me than DH. I definitely feel like it has put somewhat of a distance between my friends and I because I find myself avoiding seeing them because I don't want to lie about why I am not having wine or why I need to be home at a certain hour(for injections), etc. Sometimes I wish I had told them because I would love the additional support but there are other times when I grateful that they don't know. Sadly, I am not sure that all of them would be able to empathize with our situation and would ultimately end up turning it into a subject for gossip. You need to do what is best for you and your DH though. You shouldn't feel obligated to share your personal life with others. Good luck in your decision. For us, it wasn't an easy one.

samk213 · August 2009

No. We haven't told anyone about IVF, and we're perfectly fine with that. My main reason is because I am Catholic, my mother and sister are Catholic as well and very much against IUI and IVF, I would never even dream of discussing fertility treatments with them. I'm sure they think we are still trying the old fashioned way. They know we had a m/c 2 years ago, but I didn't tell anyone about the ectopic last year. For me, it's just the easier way to go. I can't even begin to imagine the disapproval, guilt and stress that for sure my mom would lay on me. I go to church, pray and remain true to my faith, but I am different from them in that I feel we should be able to create our family however we want. I've struggled with it. I wouldn't even dream of trying to rationalize that with my sister who has 5 kids, it's just out of her realm of reality. This is my reality. I'm also a pretty private person in general. I don't let coworkers in on my personal life and I don't talk to my good friends about it either, because I choose not too. It's just my way of dealing with it.

tgrbelle · August 2009

We told our parents, siblings, & close friends but that was it. We didn't tell cousins or aunts & uncles. I would tell everyone if I could. My thought is the more people that know, the more people that will pray for you, keep you in their thoughts, etc... So the more suppport the better. DH would keep it a complete secret if it were up to him, but he's just more private than I am.

I've never had anyone react negatively to the idea of IVF, but I understand than unsupportive people certainly don't need to be in the loop. Actually the more people I tell, the more I find people that have undergone IVF themselves or know someone first hand that has. Which I find comforting. Good luck to you!

CandT · August 2009

I'm very open about IF. It took me a while, but at this point I need the support of my friends and I want them to know what I'm going through. I have also started telling more people at work since my m/c. It was easier that way because of the "well you can just try again" statements. Most people are very supportive and of course there are a few insensitive comments from time to time, but then I say IF and at least they feel bad.

I understand why most people keep it private but at times I wish the stigma of it would go away.

PrincessShay80 · August 2009

Everyone knew about our first IVF and when it didnt work it was so hard to deal with telling everyone that it didnt work out. So when we did our 2nd IVF in July we told NO ONE,not even my mom knew. It was kind of nice not having to deal with talking about it. When I got pg it was exciting to think that we could annouce it when we felt the time was right, too bad it ended in a c/p. I did tell my mom after the fact. I think you have to do whats right for you. My friends and family want us to get pg so badly that I know their hearts are in the right place, but they also dont understand any of it.

orthomom · August 2009

All of our local friends know, my entire office, many of the people I work with in the hospital and my family. I am very open about it. I have told eveyone except my mom, my best friend and one friend who is also doing IVF that I would not tell anyone whether or not I got a positive beta. They all know about the m/cs so they know I don't want to tell unless I am far enough along that I am sure things are ok.

*Aimee*Sue* · August 2009

We're in a similar boat. We got pg last year and as soon as that test was positive, we called our families. A month later we had to untell and go through a horrific experience (ectopic). This time around our folks know we are doing IVF, but we're being tight lipped as to when. My closest friends know, but no one else. No extended family and some of my siblings have no idea.

We prefer not to have all "did it work" questions and the like. We plan on announcing a healthy pregnancy sometime in the 2nd tri. Our parents will know sooner, probably after the NT scan or even as soon as a healthy heartbeat is confirmed. Maybe we're extreme, but its heartbreaking to untell the world

SCITP · August 2009

I'm sort of in the same situation. We are doing IVF for PGD reasons. We have two bad genetic conditions that we want to screen out if possible. All of our friends around us have kids now, but I dont want to tell them that we are starting IVF to try to get our kids. I dont want to deal with the questions, the when is your ER or ET, when is beta. And the possible failure. Especially since only 25% of our embryos will be unaffected.

For the same reason we ahven't told our parents either. They know we will be doing PGD, but I want them to be surprised liek normal grandparents if at all possible. I exagerated the length it takes to get the PGD probes made (8 months) becasue we needed their DNA and I didn't want questions.

I think the hardest part is I want to talk about to people, but I can't. I told myslef I'd blog instead, but that doesn't seem to be happening either. Oh well. I think things will move pretty fast, I hope!

sheila1108 · August 2009

We have only told my best friend (who's basically my sister) Other than her not a single soul knows. My H wanted to keep it between us. It is hard sometimesb/c no one knows what you're going thru but at the same time I am not getting a million questions or negative feedback form parents etc.

So i am very happy with our decision to keep it quiet.

waitingforbaby#2 · August 2009

We are discussing the option of IVF now and agree that we will tell only one or two of our closest friends.

dtwmco · August 2009

Me... Like your H, we felt it was extremely personal. DH did end up telling one or two people at work - for support - since he didn't have a place like TTTC to go to...

FWIW, I do have regrets about not telling my parents, and now it seems like it's too late...

On a side note, know that if you end up with multiples, you will continually face the questions "Are they natural?" or "Did you do fertility treatments?" And it isn't so much fun to always be lying.

Tough decision. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. (And good luck with the IVF, too!)

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