Struggling with friend...any advice?

Yellow_Daisy · August 2009

A friend of mine is pg, well she is in labor right now. She called and I ignored her call because I knew from her FB post why she was calling. I feel like if I was a good friend I would call her back and go to the hospital, but I know I just can't do it. I did text her back now that it is late and say I just got her message but didn't want to call so late.

I have no desire to see her, talk to her or even see her baby and I don't know what to do. I can't avoid her forever, but she would never understand if I told her why I am avoiding her. She knows about our IF and hasn't been very supportive and at times has been completely thoughtless (not intentionally but unkind none the less). I think she thinks she is being considerate but she is a little to self involved to realize that the things she says without thinking are hurtful.

So I know tomorrow this is going to be an issue again and I don't know what to do. Do I just keep avoiding her calls? If I talk to her she is going to guilt me into coming to the hospital and it is going to make me a complete wreck before and after. I feel like a *** but I don't want to see her or the baby. I guess I could say I am sick and don't want to get them sick. I don't know, any thoughts? Would you go to the hospital?

DaniGirl0517 · August 2009

Ooh, tough one. Do you want to keep her as a friend? If so then have your cry, then go to the hospital and cry after. It's hard for a "fertile" person to understand (and end up being a jerk to) people who have infertility issues. If you don't want to keep her as a friend and can reasonably avoid her, then dodge the calls. If you need a few days, use the sick excuse, but make it believable. Honestly though, why do some of the biggest doucheriffic people end up being parents when there are so many much more deserving women here?

losethatsmile · August 2009

Speaking as someone who has had a horrible time supporting my bff through her most recent pregnancy, this is one of the hardest things about IF. I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to see her or her baby. Trust me, I do. And as long as she has a good support system around her, skipping the hospital visit (saying you're sick is the best way to get out of it) isn't a problem. However, at some point, you're going to have to see her. You don't have to stay all day or anything, but drop by with some homemade food for the busy new mom (and then say you're late for an appt, or something) or some other extra-supportive reason. See, the more supportive you are (food, gifts, etc), the less time you actually have to spend around the baby. It sounds like mean horrible advice, but I've found it works like a charm b/c then your friend sees you as a good, but very busy, friend. Then when you're ready to come around more, she won't feel like you're abandoning her in her time of happiness.

Good luck tomorrow! Maybe it won't seem so bad and you'll have the strength to see her. If not, don't feel guilty! You'll get there eventually.

erica2573 · August 2009

This is a hard situation. One of my good friends is close to delivering her first but luckily she lives in another state so I can completely avoid the hospital/baby visit. However, I even find it difficult to talk to her on the phone as it is just too hard to hear how excited she is and all the wonderful things that are going on in her body, decisions about her nursery, etc. It is a tough decision and I think in the end you need to do what feels best for you. If the hospital visit is too hard, send her flowers to the room and tell her you are happy for her and are looking forward to meeting the baby soon. (but just not this soon!) And then when she gets home and settled, stop by for maybe an hour on your way to something so she feels that you care but the process isn't so emotionally draining on you. One thing I have learned through this IF journey is that I have to take care of myself and my own well-being right now. GL!

gringa78 · August 2009

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm going through the same thing. My BFF is KU with #2 and wants to see me/hang out. I just wrapped up a failed IVF cycle and am feeling very fragile...her big u/s is this week and I know she's showing by now...it's just so hard. I love and miss her but want to melt into a puddle when I see her and her happiness.

I emailed her this week and told her I'm not ready to see her yet...that I'm still fragile after the failed IVF. I haven't heard back from her. There's just no way to make her understand.

IF sucks.

Imanurse03 · August 2009

That is tough! IF can really strain the relationships we have with people. I know that I have pushed several people away during my IF struggle. I hope that one day I can repair the friendships but who knows. Unless you've experienced it for yourself, then most people cannot comprehend what it means to be IF.

My BFF announced her pg back in March. She'd only been trying for a month or two. She called me over the phone to tell me. I now live about an hour away from her out-of-state so fortunately I don't see her too much. I thought I handled the news really well and was very nice to her. As soon as I hung up the phone with her, I threw my cell phone across the room and started sobbing.

I think what made me so hurt and angry was that she was so not supportive during the past year that I had been doing IF treatments and suffered 2 m/cs.

I say you don't go to the hospital and come up with some excuse like you're sick. I guess at some point you may have to see her and the baby if she's really that good of a friend and you want to maintain the friendship. Don't feel bad about not going. IF is so tough and not being able to go see your friend and baby at the hospital is part of the coping mechanism of IF. Hugs!

bride526 · August 2009

That is a tough one. If you want to keep her as a friend at some point you are going to have to visit and see the baby. How good of a friend is she? Are you guys really close? If you can't do it right now, I would use the sick excuse, call her and congratulate her and tell her you'll visit once you are germ free.

Yellow_Daisy · August 2009

Thank you all!

I have been trying to be extra supportive through her pg because I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with this part. The hardest part of pg people for me isn't the belly but the baby. Not to say that the belly doesn't bother me but I can pretend that there isn't a baby (I have serious denial issues).

I did make up a care package last week and deliver it to her house so when guests came she could just pull stuff out of the freezer and not have to cook. I also mailed her daughter a big sister package (this is #2 for her since DH and I started ttc) so that she would feel special and told her I mailed it because all kids like to get mail. I also threw her baby shower (boy that sucked!).

So I am sitting here crying in my office because I know I have to see them. She is a very close friend and she won't remember everything I have done all she will remember is that I wasn't there. I hate IF and I hate that people can't relate to it.

Okay I am pulling myself together now before anyone comes in and wants to know why I am crying.

Thank you all again :-)

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