SIL's baby shower invite arrived...WWYD? (long) SAIFW!!!

ked1068 · August 2009

This is the same SIL who told me, last Sept. immediately following my third (and final) failed IVF that I was, among other things, too fat to ever have a child...along with some other nasty, nasty, nasty comments (needless to say, she doesn't know that we did a g.c. cycle in May nor does she know that my eggs are most likely to blame for me not getting pg, not my weight). My dh blew up at her to protect me, and we (dh and I) haven't spoken to her since that day early last September.

She is now expecting her first child (a girl) in November. We have recently re-connected with dh's other sister and she is throwing the shower, so I knew that this invitation would be in the mail. Thankfully it is in AZ in a month, and I won't be able to go as I live in OH (nor would I probably go even if I could).

How fair is that...she says awful, awful, awful things about me and my ability to get pregnant, and now I'm expected to shower her with gifts? I know I should, as she is family, but the thought of me buying her a gift is really really really bothering me. Then again, I think of it as a gift for A (her daughter), and I really have nothing against the sweet baby (just that her mom is the spawn of satan!).

WWYD? Should I buck up and buy a gift knowing that it is for the baby? Or should I refuse, as she has not said (nor will probably ever say) sorry for the awful things said to/about me?

Thanks for your opinions. I'm really conflicted about this, and dh says I should do whatever I think is right.

Temp590840000005378 · August 2009

Personally, I would absolutely refuse to buy a gift or even send a note. The things she said to you sound so mean and unforgivable. It also doesn't sound like she's reached out to you in anyway, what a biatch!!

yodasmistress · August 2009

I wouldn't. I stopped talking to my SIL about a year ago. She is currently pg with twins. I will NOT be attending her shower (though I may get off the hook easy as it may be in her state) and I will NOT be giving her a gift.

ginger67 · August 2009

I wouldnt respond to the invite or even think about buying a gift. Its nothing against the baby, the sister sounds horrible and why have someone that evil in your life. If the other sister asks you for a response I would tell her what happened and then drop it. GL

EmptyOven25 · August 2009

Hmmm...touch call, but I would not buy anything. There is no way to show her that the gift is not meant to be a peace offering with her. She may misread your gesture and think you are over it or that you forgive her for the awful stuff she's done to you. I wouldn't respond to the invite or anything. Evil SIL knows how you feel and won't be expecting anything from you anyhow.

newsbaby · August 2009

She sounds evil. My first instinct is to not buy a witch like that anything. But what does your DH want to do?

*jenjen* · August 2009

i agree with pp...i would definitely not send a gift and i'd be irritated that they even sent you an invite. i mean, invite to shower=asking for presents. i can brush off a lot of crap, but she has been horrible to you and you definitely don't deserve it or need people in your life that only bring negative energy. I'm sorry you even have to deal with this.

Kiki11 · August 2009

I guess I'm not in a very good emotional state about these kinds of things right now. . . I would probably not send anything.

RFBsbride · August 2009

Maybe it's just the mood I'm in today, but I would NOT send her a gift or even acknowledge that you received the invitation. No one has a right to say those horrible things to you and the gall she has to then send you an invitation to a shower you obviously can't attend due to distance is inexcusable (she had to know that your other SIL would be sending you an invitation.) It's a gift-grab and she should be ashamed of herself. Is that what she'll teach her daughter to do? "Honey, the more people you invite to a party, the more gifts you'll get and that's really what it's all about!" If you are asked why you didn't attend or respond, be honest. She should know the damage she has done to the relationship and it's repercussions.

I had a similar situation with a former friend of mine. I was the only one of my group of friends that was uninvited to her wedding because she had to cut the list at 100 people and apparently I was 101. Two of my single friends were invited to bring guests, but I was completely cut from the list (after I attended her bridal shower and was sent a Save the Date!) Fast forward two years and I received an invitation to her baby shower!!! Needless to say it was ignored and no gift was send.

Kelli don't play that!!!

Good luck with your decision!

ked1068 · August 2009

newsbaby:
She sounds evil. My first instinct is to not buy a witch like that anything. But what does your DH want to do?

Dh says if it were him he wouldn't buy anything. The other (I'll call her nice SIL) SIL knows this whole fight...she sided with her sister (against Dh and I) back a year ago when it happened. Like I said, we recently just reconnected. She wants nothing more than for dh and evil SIL and I to reconnect, so I think that nice SIL sent it hoping it will open doors between evil SIL and I. I don't mind doors opening as long as I get an apology, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

SweetDahlia · August 2009

That's so tough. I wouldn't go and or send a gift. She was the one at fault and should be the first try to make up with you. She is really a horrible person and I would not feel like showering her with gifts.

Your right that it's not the the little girl's fault. After she is born you could send the baby a gift. Like a savings bond with her name on it. That way there is no confusion, it's not a gift for evil SIL, but the new baby.

Hugs, I can't even imagine how tough this would be.

ked1068 · August 2009

SweetDahlia:

Your right that it's not the the little girl's fault. After she is born you could send the baby a gift. Like a savings bond with her name on it. That way there is no confusion, it's not a gift for evil SIL, but the new baby.

This is a GREAT idea! I hadn't thought about it that way...but something that would be strictly A's and no way that evil SIL could benefit would be great.

orthomom · August 2009

Your SIL is obviously a B*TCH and a rude person to say such things to you. That being said it is hard to blame the child for the mother. If you can think of a gift that truly would be for the child and not the mother (let's be honest baby items are for the mother...the baby doesn't ahve a clue what its room looks like or how cute the clothes or blanket is) then I would send a gift...if not then I wouldn't. Things that could be for the child only like a savings bond (I know kind of cheesy but my daughter got a few for gifts when she was born) may allow you to feel your generosity for the child and yet keep yourself distanced from the mother. If you choose to do this...address the card to the child. You could also send it at the child's birth instead of for the shower.

newsbaby · August 2009

ked1068:
newsbaby:
She sounds evil. My first instinct is to not buy a witch like that anything. But what does your DH want to do?
Dh says if it were him he wouldn't?buy anything.? The other (I'll call her nice SIL) SIL knows this whole fight...she sided with her sister (against Dh and I) back a year ago when it happened.? Like I said, we recently just reconnected.? She wants nothing more than for dh and evil SIL and I to reconnect, so I think that nice SIL sent it hoping it will open doors between evil SIL and I.? I don't mind doors opening as long as I get an apology, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Well IMO your DH has the last say since its his sister. Since he said he doesn't want to send anything then that is the final decision! No matter what the other sister did by trying to get the 2 of you "back together". It's too bad...

?

06hoky · August 2009

Screw that b*tch! I wouldn't get her thing and I wouldn't think anything about it!

EastCoastGirl* · August 2009

This is really tough. Based on my personal experiences with family chaos, I am all about self-preservation, so I think I would keep that door closed. As much as your other SIL may want to mend fences (and forgive me, but I wonder about her motivation here. Is she trying to make the two of you reconcile so it makes HER life easier? Meaning: she'll no longer have to be in the middle?), I wouldn't risk making myself uncomfortable just so everyone else could feel better.

In any case, I would absolutely refuse to partake in any sentiment that could indicate to evil SIL that what she's said / done has been forgotten, no harm done. Furthermore, I think sending a gift might send a message that it's okay to treat you like crap and all will be forgiven for the sake of family.

I also think that if evil SIL was truly sorry, wanted to reconcile and have you back in her life, it could and should have happened without using the baby shower as an excuse.

MAK06 · August 2009

ked1068:
SweetDahlia:

Your right that it's not the the little girl's fault. After she is born you could send the baby a gift. Like a savings bond with her name on it. That way there is no confusion, it's not a gift for evil SIL, but the new baby.
This is a GREAT idea! I hadn't thought about it that way...but something that would be strictly A's and no way that evil SIL could benefit would be great.

That is a great idea! I would either do this, or nothing at all. I'm sorry your SIL sucks so bad! Those are AWFUL things that you just don't say to anyone! Sorry you are in that situation.

momma mimi · August 2009

I wouldn't buy your evil SIL anything until she made the effort to apologize to you. She was hateful and cruel unnecessarily. You don't deserve that.

I do like the idea someone above mentioned of getting something in the baby's name like a savings bond.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I know it has to be hard. Hugs.

wiscgirl95 · August 2009

Wow, what a B!TCH!! I'm so sorry she said that. Unfortunately she's family, even though she's cr*ppy family. I would skip the shower and skip the gift. I typically don't give a shower gift if I can't make the shower unless it's a very close friend or family member.

That being said, I would still send a gift from the 2 of you addressed to the baby for the baby when baby comes.

Good luck with everything.

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