How much does your DH help?

Christina322 · August 2009

I just started back to work full time. My husband works from home full time. My DD goes to daycare. How do you and your DH divide chores caring for your LO? Just curious as I am struggling with this. I feel that I am taking on the majority of the responsibility while my DH just sits back.....

yellowcar · August 2009

Probably more than I do, since I am still BF'ing. If something needs done, we just do it--there are no "my jobs" and "your jobs". If someone is near the baby and he is stinky, that person changes the diaper. DH completely gets DD ready for bed because that is when I am doing the last nursing of the day.

But we have always been that way, even back to when we were just living together.

Neither of us ever gets to "sit back". We don't have time for it right now--we don't spend a lot of time on line, we don't have a Wii, we can barely remember what our "hobbies" ever were...we are plenty busy with 2 kids.

luvmagoldn · August 2009

He works from home and he's sitting back? When I was working from home I could throw in laundry, run the dishwasher - maybe even go to the grocery store over lunch time.

Is DC near your house? If so I would then expect DH to drop off and pick up - or at least share those responsibilities.

There are plenty of ways he can pull his weight - and it seems there isn't much reason for NOT doing it.

BoxTer · August 2009

My DH does as much as I do, if not more sometimes. We take turns with dropoff and pickup, depending on our schedules. We also take turns in getting her ready for school, fixing lunch and feeding her breakfast, and when we get home, giving her dinner, bath, storytime. We each get our own dinner - I don't cook much and am happy eating something simple like a Lean Cuisine. We have a housekeeper who comes every other week and we both try to keep the house clean in between her visits. Talk to your DH about how you will split things up once you go back to work. You may have to set out a very specific plan, but you definitely shouldn't be the only one doing all the work.

worleygirl · August 2009

A lot. He totally changed when the baby was born. Now he unloads the dishwasher, starts laundry, goes to the grocery store, etc. All without me asking. The only thing he doesn't do much of is cooking, which is a good thing! He changes diapers and gives bottles of BM (I EP). He picks up DS from daycare every day, gets him home, unloads bottles, and feeds him. He will also get up in the night if I don't hear DS first. I couldn't work full time without his support. Marriage is a partnership. Don't nag at what he's not doing, tell him specifically what you want him to do. GL! Also, the first few weeks back suck. It gets better.

FloF9 · August 2009

My DH was a work in progress. When I had to return to work I did the majority of dropping off (my parents watched the kids at the time). I used this time to chat, etc... but it became more draining for me when they started daycare. Especially when I had to buy diapers, groceries.

I had to get my DH more involved when let's say I wanted to go to the supermarket before picking up the kids. He had the option of doing the groceries or picking them up for me. Thankfully we have 9-5 jobs.

We also have a cleaning lady that comes every other week. This has saved our sanity.

sara1104 · August 2009

I pretty much wrote that same post when I went back to work, but it was MY issue of wanted to do everything myself and since I was BFing, that just adds to it. So, I gave him a list of things to do each night. he would wash all pump parts, get all bottles ready for the next day, etc. etc. I found out that I had to TELL him what to do becuase he couldn't see the clothes on t he floor, the toys in the way, the dishes in the sink. I guess he is blind Smile

katy75 · August 2009

When I went back to work, I pretty much did EVERYTHING. Child care, cooking, cleaning. EVERYTHING. We kind of fell into that situation and I blame both of us. When I was at home on ML, I did almost everything and BF'd and DH was working.

After a month or two of this, fighting without really realizing why, and me being exhausted, DH and I worked out a system that works for both of us and we are MUCH happier with our marriage and lives now.

psuash7 · August 2009

He used to help out more but has been becoming less and less. I don't even cook dinner anymroe because He won't help out with DD to allow for me time to cook dinner. The last 3 weeks or so have been like this. I feel zero support whatsoever. It's not that he jsut "sits back", but he always has "somethign to do" that he cannot care for DD. His excuse is that he has household chores to do (mowing etc.). The issue is, that I would like to do some household things too like cooking dinner, dusting, vacuuming, laundry etc. but can't when I have to take care of DD when not at work. I feel like I do almost everything for her, or if DH does something, it is becasue I asked or told him to do something and then he is/acts mad about it. I am also having PPD symptoms (calling Dr. today about it) and this definitely doesn't help with them. I have even talked to DH about it and he was good for about a day, then he was back to being unsupportive. It's very frustrating, I know how you feel.

katy75 · August 2009

I will also add that DH seemed to be blind to the fact that DD needed a bath, dishes needed to be done, laundry needed to be done, dinner needed to be made, etc. When I sat down and outlined that my day started 5:30 and I didn't sit down again at night until 8 or 8:30 and everything I did, it really opened his eyes. At first, he needed some guidance, but now he *gets* it and does a lot without any asking from me.

xmasbabymama · August 2009

I do the lion's share of it, but that is because DH works a lot. He does not sit back at all and is very helpful when he is around. That really wouldn't fly with me.

However, re the working from home. If he does have time to unload the dishwasher or something that's great, but if he doesn't have that time and needs to work, he should be working. My DH thinks when I work from home that I can just play around and get stuff done which is not the case. Sometimes I can do laundry and other stuff if I'm on a call, but most the time I am working.

bulldog_mama23 · August 2009

My DH is amazing, I must say He helps me so much, I feel very lucky to have him. We both work full time in our family business so we car pool together each day and our mom's take turns taking care of DD.

DH always helps with the bath, makes the formula and prepares all bottles for the next day, does her night time feeding, makes dinner and cleans up dishes every night!

I used to always take care of the cleaning but he will clean up after dinner so I can play with DD. I always do the bedtime reading, swaddling, rocking, and putting to sleep. I also wake up with her if she gets up at night (which is rare since she is STTN the last 3-4 weeks), I also do her morning feeding and prepare her diaper bag for grandma's houses.

Before kids, DH pretty much just made dinner and that was it so we have come far DH has figured out the more helps, the happier his wife is, therefore he is happier too! But we are both seriously exhausted!

AmyCC1980 · August 2009

sara1104:
I had to TELL him what to do becuase he couldn't see the clothes on t he floor, the toys in the way, the dishes in the sink. I guess he is blind

This exactly. Don't expect your DH to magically wake up one morning and realize that the kitchen floor needs mopping. Explain to him that you need help and then tell him exactly what he needs to do to help you.

krub · August 2009

He helps a lot. But, it has taken us almost 4 years to work out all of the kinks. I hope your DH is a quicker study. ;-)

I still do more than he does, but I don't really mind. I like to take care of the house and I like to bathe the kids and read them books. If needed, he jumps in and he definitely plays an important part in their lives. It helped us a lot to give DH specific tasks that he's responsible for daily. He's always been responsible for getting the kids dressed in the morning. Now he takes them to school, too. I also stay on his case about helping out. I'm not afraid to ask and don't take offense if I have to. My rule is that you don't get to sit down and relax unless we can both sit down and relax. so, whatever is left to do at the end of the night gets divided up. I let him chose what he wants to do to (sometimes I don't even ask, I just say "are you doing the dishes or taking out the trash?" LOL!) He is happier when he gets to chose and I am happy not having to do it all. He doesn't care that I ask him to do it, so I don't care that I have to ask. It used to annoy me that he couldn't see what needed to be done, but life is to short to get upset about that argument b/c I will never win it. ;-)

EastCoastBride · August 2009

Well, my DH has been amazing too, but it's also just the person he is. We've always been a team, pitching in and doing whatever needs to be done w/o worrying about whose "job" it is. And I feel like we are still that same strong team now w/ DS.

In your situation, I think it's time to sit down and talk to your DH. Non- accusingly, but lay out what needs to be done, what you do, and where you really need his help. And to split hairs on this- it shouldn't really even be seen as "help". She is his DD too - he should be willing and able to jump in and just do what needs to be done.

Be honest- tell him your struggling. Let him know you feel somewhat alone. You didn't have a child w/ him in order to do it alone. You had a child to raise WITH him.

I don't know waht specifics you're having problems with, but I'll tell you what friends of mine do where the wife works at home. She takes DS to daycare every morning. Her DH picks DS up, comes home, they all have dinner together, then (due to the nature of his job) he goes back to work for a couple more hours - but they have dinner together and spend time together as a family, w/ him fully "helping" out w/ DS, getting him ready for bed, etc.

And as another poster said- if your DH is home, he can do quick things like throw laundry in, switch it over, run the dishwasher.

14years · August 2009

We split things pretty evenly. I BF, so I still handle most of the night wakings, but everything else is split. DH gets up with DS and takes care of dressing him and breakfast, we split daycare pick up and drop off and dinner and bath, and I always put him to bed. DH usually cooks while I put DS to bed, and then we clean together. We split the shopping and all of the other household stuff pretty evenly.

You really shouldn't see it as "helping." He shouldn't be "helping" you; you should be working together to get things done. If he can't just naturally divide things up, then why don't you sit down and make a list of all the things that need to be done and divide them up?

soccermom-to-be · August 2009

Before DH and I were even married we discussed how we would both be responsible for things around the house. We don't split things out like a 'chore chart' but I know that he will load the dishwasher (b/c he's sort of obsessive about it) and I will unload it. We both do laundry but he vacuums and I dust (again, he's obsessed with the Dyson and loves to vacuum). We did recently hire someone to come in once a week and deep clean the bathrooms and wash the floors etc. That has made life much easier and then we just do the day to day stuff in between. I don't know how I would stay sane if I had to do it all.

bstngrl578 · August 2009

I have really really lucked out in this dept. DH is a huge help - he does soooo much for us. He cooks, he cleans, goes shopping....really he is the best.

qw23fv09ij87tf23 · August 2009

I feel the same way. He does not help much at all. No matter how much I express my concern, DH still sits back. Things have to get done and if I just wait for him to do it they never will. It is sad that I feel this way but the truth hurts. I do everything for the girls (bathe them, feed them, change them, dress them, drop and pick them up from daycare) and pick up the house. I do all a SAHM does and work outside the house 32 hours a week. He does cook dinner two ro three time a week but the mess is left for me to clean. It is easier for me just to cook myself since I clean as I go. So I feel your fustration.

mlefebvre · August 2009

Seriously, I cannot believe all your husbands are that supportive; or maybe it's because those of us (the "single" working moms) are too busy to post and answer to that one... I was looking for help on another topic but when I saw this post I had to read...

My DH... not contributing too much. Our son is almost 5 months old, and I pretty much do it all. He's never given a bath (I've encouraged/showed him several times), hardly ever gave a bottle (but I BF), never put to bed (well, tried once, and it was a total fiasco, we had a big fight over this too just last week-end...). He has picked him up from the nanny's ONCE when I asked him to cause I was late returning from the office... I've been back at work since DS was 8 weeks old and I'm ready to give in and get some help.

I blame the situation on me, but I want him more involved, so I will ask more from now on... so he realizes it's not "my job" to take care of the baby. I enjoy it very much, but it's OUR job as parents...

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