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Working Moms
How's your distribution of duties?
Because mine, quite frankly, sucks.
I wake up and get everyone ready EVERY morning.
As in, out of bed at 5:30, take the dog out, start coffee, get DD's breakfast, get DD dressed, put on her sunscreen, brush her teeth, iron clothes for H and I, then get H and DD off, get myself ready, and take the dog out again.
I pick DD up from daycare, get her home, take the dog out, start dinner.... I do all baths. I do most diaper changes. I also do all the putting to bed.
I have lost my mind about this I don't know how many times, but nothing has changed. H seems to think that b/c he does yard work that we're even. Of course I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and dishes, so no.
Is anyone else in the same boat? I am about to snap on him yet again b/c I have been working to arrange service for our washer, and he was whining b/c I am going out of state for work tomorrow and he wants it fixed tomorrow, yet wanted ME to call and arrange it, despite the dozen calls I've made today.
** I reserve the right to DD.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How's your distribution of duties?
We don't start daycare until next week so we'll see how it goes, but we are pretty 50/50 I think.
I pretty much do all of the cleaning/laundry, DH does pretty much all of the cooking. We each have some bills we are responsible for, he takes care of car maintenance, I do most of the setting up of appointments...he does all the grocery shopping. We live in the city, so we don't have a yard, but we do have a dog. DH probably walks her more than I do, but we both feed her equally.
When it comes to DS, I think we are pretty even there too. We both do the diapers, when he gets up at night I BF him, but DH puts him back down...for a while he was doing all of the baths but I just started helping out with those.
I realize I am pretty lucky. If I was doing as much as you I would have gone on strike a long time ago! We each try to do what we are good at/enjoy doing but with both of us working full time, it has to be 50/50 to work around here!
That used to be me. We've changed a lot of stuff.
Mornings, I get up and make coffee (he doesn't drink it, so I can't complain about that) and get in the shower. I then get about 20 minutes of quite time with no DH or DD awake. About 6:15/6:30, DH is in the shower and DD is getting up. I get DD ready for the day and feed the dogs. DH gets himself ready and then packs our lunches and loads up both of our cars (laptops, lunches, DD's stuff).
We split daycare drop off and pick up 50/50.
Evenings - I either make dinner or we have leftovers or DH puts a frozen pizza in. After that, one of us cleans up dinner and the other one gets DD changed and ready for bed. Then, one person cuddles with DD and reads her a book and the other one puts her to bed. We switch this routine back and forth every night.
I do the laundry - he doesn't complain when I am behind. I don't put his stuff away, I lay it on the bed and he puts his stuff away. I do most of the cleaning right now, but he is remodeling our house one room at a time so I can't complain about that too much. If we are expecting company, he definitely jumps in and cleans at least the bathroom and vacuum's.
And... on the weekends, for at least an hour, I leave the house by myself to run an errand or just go get some alone time. His idea and I LOVE it.
ETA: I feed the dogs, he cleans up the yard after them and makes sure they are groomed.
You are complaining but still willingly make the decison to continue to do the majority of the household/childcare chores. Every day.
Why do you do this?
I'd ask him "Why did you have a child w/ me if you didn't want to have anything to do w/ raising her?".
And ditto Alisa- why are you doing EVERYTHING? Your DH is a grown man, he can get himself "off" to work. Stop doing his ironing.
ALso, list out everything that needs to be done around the house, from laundry to feeding your DD and sit down w/ him and show him the list and ask him what HE thinks is an equitable split.
And why not wake him up when you get up? "Honey - I have to get DD up. Walk the dog and start the coffee. Thanks." At night - "It's time for DD to go to bed. Why don't you put her to bed tonight?".
Basically - start calling him out on the fact that he isn't doing any of this!
His house, his dog, his CHILD- he need to pitch in.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I get up first, get ready, get lunches ready, get breakfast out and get the kids situated every morning. DH gets them dressed and takes them to school. I make most dinners, although DH has two easy dinners that he's in charge of each week. Whoever doesn't cook cleans or if it's bath night, whoever doesn't bathe, cleans. We each help put the kids to bed and I get out the kids clothes for the next day. I do the laundry, including packing the kids bags for school 1x a week, but DH helps fold. I do most of the cleaning, but DH does the floors. He does most of the outdoor work, except the gardening b/c I like that. He makes most of the calls for service in the house, but I am the one at home to let them in (I WAH 1 day a week). I do most of the well visits b/c I like to, but sometimes he comes with if he can. He does most of the last minute sick visits b/c his job is more flexible. But, I stay at home with the sick kids more than he does, too. I think we have finally acheived a good balance after 4 years at it. I don't feel taken advantage of or underappreciated and I don't think he does either.
FWIW, when DS started daycare out of the home I just told him he was going to be responsible for getting DS ready every morning. He can sleep in a little later, so he was fine with that. Most times I give him his choice between two things. I don't care if what he choses as long as I don't do it all and he's happier chosing. Like I said in the PP, I don't mind asking either. He doesn't care that I ask, so I stopped caring that I had to ask a long time ago.
I get up at 5:15 every day, take my shower, deal with the doggies, wake DD and feed her. Hubby gets up at 6, showers, makes breakfast for us, watches DD while I finish getting ready. We carpool since we work together so he gets her in the car and I gather diaper bag, lunches, coffee/soda for ride to work. We leave the house by 7:15.
We pick her up from one of our mom's together. Come home, I feed her while he is cooking dinner. After dinner, I play with her while he cleans up the kitchen. We both do her bedtime routine, he helps with bath. He feeds her which gives me time to myself for laundry, internet, getting ready for bed. Then, I swaddle, rock, storytime, and put her down.
We both do the household chores together. We have a yard guy and pool guy and our deal was we would get those so hubby could help inside. He takes care of all mopping, vacuuming, toilets, showers, picking up dog poop, and trash. We both help the dogs with baths. I always take care of the laundry and all other cleaning and organizing (bills, putting away groceries) that must be done. DH also is in charge of the bills. We run errands together on the weekend (grocery, Costco, etc). I am pretty much in charge of setting appointments (car, doctor, dentist, etc).
Really, we just help each other out as much as possible. Some nights, I will wash the bottles, sometimes he does. It is a team effort and I am grateful that I have his help
**Must add: I get up with her if she wakes in the middle of the night but he gets up if the doggies wake us in the middle of the night (to use the bathroom since we do not have dog door).
DH is actually pretty good about helping out with DS. We split the mornings we get up with him. I do all the shopping and cooking. DH does the mowing, I do the gardening. We split the cleaning. He is responsible for his laundry and I'm responsible for mine. He takes his shirts to the dry cleaners, so we don't have to worry about the ironing debate.
Be honest with your DH about your frustrations. Don't focus the conversation on him, though, just all the tasks that need to be done during the day. I think even if you could start to be responsible for your own laundry, this would be a good starting point.