Question from a struggling SAHM

ILUVChiTown · August 2009

I wasn't sure whether to post this on the working moms board or SAHM board, so I did both. I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation. I'm currently a SAHM to my 18 month old son. I went back to work after a 6 month maternity leave with him, but due to an overseas short-term relocation, left work when he was 11 months old and have been at home with him ever since. I am not sure if my struggles with being a SAHM are attributable to living in a foreign country, or if I'm just not best suited for this. I will be teaching part-time this fall and the preparations for my class have taken up so much time. I am terrible at finding a balance between mothering and this part-time work. I am also pregnant with our second child.I grew up in a single parent household with a workaholic mom. I never had a role model for what a SAHM should be, and I'm finding myself become more and more like my own mom -- pulling towards my career and wanting to go back to work, even though it is not financially necessary at all for me to work, and my husband supports me whether I work or stay at home. I don't want to be like my mom - I felt like she never had time for her kids and all she did was work, but then I see myself becoming like her. I don't know why I can't be happy with "just staying at home". And I would love to know if anyone else has ever been in my shoes. Thanks!

flyer23 · August 2009

I actually told DH when we first started dating that I wanted to be a SAHM when we had kids. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was because of my own mom, and the way she worked.

I love my mom, she is my role model in every sense of the word, and we have always had a great relationship. But it was tough on me growing up. I was an only child, so I had no one to play with other than my parents. But they were always too busy. I clearly remember being 7 years old and asking my parents if they loved the computer more than they loved me -- because it seemed to me like they spent more time with the computer! Surprise

I came to realize that this wasn't because my parents worked, it was because that's the type of parents they are. It's funny, when they come to visit even now, they spend about 5 minutes playing with DD... and then the laptops come out. Sometimes working, but usually looking up the latest baseball statistics or researching their next vacation. It's just how they are.

(It did get better as I got older, and got into sports and other things that they could follow. I think my parents have trouble relating to younger kids, like under age 10.)

I've made a conscious decision not to be like that as a parent. I do struggle with it at times. But, for example, I really try to stay off my laptop (doing work or anything else) while DD is around. No matter what I'm doing, if she asks me a question or wants me to do something, I try to stop and give her my full attention. When she gets home from school at 6 PM, my work goes down immediately and I'm focused on her until she goes to bed. All things my parents didn't do.

You are your own person. Just because you go back to work like your mom did does not mean you have to work in the same way that your mom did.

Good luck making the decision.

ILUVChiTown · August 2009

Thanks, this helps a LOT. I re-read my post and it sounds like I can't stand my mom ... not the case at all. I love her dearly and totally respect what she did to raise me and my sister alone, but I do look back on growing up and realize that I hope my own kids don't grow up that way, kind of alone and left to fend for ourselves while mom worked.

RoxyLynn · August 2009

"pulling towards my career and wanting to go back to work, even though it is not financially necessary at all for me to work, and my husband supports me whether I work or stay at home. "

For many of us, work is about more than income - it's about fulfillment and identity and challenge. To have your career as part of your life does not mean it is your life - only that it's one of the puzzle pieces that must be in place for the picture to be complete.

IrishBrideND · August 2009

Most people are able to do the middle ground. You can work without being a workaholic. And, many people work for more reasons than just money.

taylormillgirl · August 2009

It sounds like you'll have the best of both worlds teaching part time. Preparation is time-consuming now, but things will even out once you get into the swing of things. Wait until you've been teaching a few months, then see how you feel. I think it will make a huge difference for your morale. It's 100% possible to work without being a workaholic.

(From a SAHM/former educator who would love to teach part-time). Wink

duchess0727 · August 2009

You have to consider that where your mom is coming from is not where you are coming from. Maybe it would help you to have the conversation with her to understand why she worked so much. She was a single mom raising two kids. If that were you, wouldn't you be focused on your job because otherwise how would you support two kids? She probably did it because she thought it was what she needed to do to provide for you. And consider the positives of how you turned out. And then look at what will make you happy. Happy parents have happy kids. And for a lot of people, being happy means doing some sort of work outside of the home. I think the key is to be present with your kids when you are home. Put the work aside for a few hours and really spend that time with your kids. For me, that's when I get home from work around 5:30 until 8 or 8:30 when the kids are in bed. During that time, my kids are the focus. If I have work to do, I do it when they are asleep even if it means I stay up later than I want.

Maybride2 · August 2009

ILUVChiTown:
I don't know why I can't be happy with "just staying at home".

Because some women just aren't happy staying home. That doesn't mean that anything is wrong with them, that they love their kids less, or that they're any less of a mother. They just don't have the personality to be happy staying at home.

I love my son more than words can describe, and I am very grateful for the 12 weeks of maternity leave that I had with him 24/7. But I was so happy to go back to work........I was starting to feel alienated and lonely and even bored being a SAHM. I'm not a workaholic, and my career does not define me - but like Roxy said, my career IS a part of who I am, in the exact same way that being a mother is and being a wife is. Not having it in my life would leave a void, make me feel like something was missing.

And here's the cold hard truth - if you're not happy being a SAHM, you're doing a disservice to your child by continuing to "stick it out". Children can sense their parents' moods. Your child is going to pick up on the resentment you feel about being home and out of the workforce. Children need happy, content and fulfilled parents in order to feel happy, content and fulfilled themselves.........remember that.

smiles4ya · August 2009

Working part time is the best of both worlds.. you get to do both. Don't feel bad that you want to work.

krub · August 2009

I feel the same way a lot of the time. My mom was not your ideal SAHM and returned to work when I was in elementary school. This was a good move for everyone. when I SAH with my kids it usually does not go well. But, I tend to think that if I chose to SAH for good, I would probably arrange my days differently with activities, play dates, routines for chores, etc. It would take some time to get used to, also. I worked PT too and that was the worst for me, but I probably needed to renegotiate the division of labor with my DH. I was doing it all, even though I was still working 32 hours a week. That wasn't exaclty a recipe for success. I'm sure living overseas does not help either.

Pesky · August 2009

I told DH right off the bat that I didn't want to be a SAHM. Ideally, I wanted to work FT and then be PT from when DD was 10 until the youngest was through HS (the time when real trouble can occur). FWIW, my mom went back to work as a teacher when my sister started preschool (my bro and I were older) and we never felt ignored or anything. You can still work and spend quality time with your kids.

The_Jen626 · August 2009

I always assumed that I would want to be a SAHM when we had kids. I am not a workaholic by any means. I just really enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with people, and working helps me do that. I work part time, 24 hours a week, and it's a GREAT balance for me. I'me very happy and fulfilled, and I still feel like I get enough one on one time with my daughter.

I would go crazy staying at home full time, I'm not cut out for it.

Good luck!

abpdjs · August 2009

Maybride2:
ILUVChiTown:
I don't know why I can't be happy with "just staying at home".

Because some women just aren't happy staying home. That doesn't mean that anything is wrong with them, that they love their kids less, or that they're any less of a mother. They just don't have the personality to be happy staying at home.

I love my son more than words can describe, and I am very grateful for the 12 weeks of maternity leave that I had with him 24/7. But I was so happy to go back to work........I was starting to feel alienated and lonely and even bored being a SAHM. I'm not a workaholic, and my career does not define me - but like Roxy said, my career IS a part of who I am, in the exact same way that being a mother is and being a wife is. Not having it in my life would leave a void, make me feel like something was missing.

And here's the cold hard truth - if you're not happy being a SAHM, you're doing a disservice to your child by continuing to "stick it out". Children can sense their parents' moods. Your child is going to pick up on the resentment you feel about being home and out of the workforce. Children need happy, content and fulfilled parents in order to feel happy, content and fulfilled themselves.........remember that.

ditto this exactly.

WendyK · August 2009

I don't know why I can't be happy with "just staying at home".

Ok this comment actually really bothered me. I think you are feeding into the whole we are mom's so we must stay at home mentality. I could stay at home and be still very comfortable financially. I would also go crazy, it is not me. There is nothing wrong with wanting a middle ground. I agree with other posters, happy mom equals a happy kid.

jlw2505 · August 2009

Some women are just not happy being SAHMs and there is nothing wrong with that. I know, in my dream world, I would work part time which seems like the best of both worlds. I don't think how you are feeling is anything that should be making you feel guilty. Get your child into a good daycare and go to work and enjoy. I find that with working FT, I give my job 100% when I am there and my girls 100% when I am home. It has taken some time for me to find my balance and work in time for DH and I and also for some me time but I feel pretty good about it. I made a job change after my 2nd DD was born so that I was not so stressed with my work and no longer need to travel or really even do work in non-work hours and I'm really lucky that my boss gets it and understands that my kids come first. I have proven to her that I can get my job done. I work from home twice a week even though my kids are at daycare FT (I'm still working on those days but doing it from home which is awesome). YOU need to be happy and take care of you and do what is right for you and then you will be a better mom. If you are not happy, your child will feel that. If working, part time or full time, is going to make you happier, go for it and the rest will fall into place. I feel like I am a better mom because I work. My girls LOVE daycare/preschool and learn so much, have friends and all that great stuff. I dont' feel like anyone else is raising my kids or any of that crap that you hear.

flyer23 · August 2009

ILUVChiTown:
Thanks, this helps a LOT. I re-read my post and it sounds like I can't stand my mom ... not the case at all. I love her dearly and totally respect what she did to raise me and my sister alone, but I do look back on growing up and realize that I hope my own kids don't grow up that way, kind of alone and left to fend for ourselves while mom worked.

I struggled with the same thing in writing my post... I LOVE my mom. I have a TON of respect for her and the career that she's built for herself. I also recognize that she made sacrifices in her work in order to spend more time with me. I could give you plenty of examples of it, many of which I didn't even fully recognize at the time. I don't feel like her working meant that I was worse off or irreparably damaged or ANYTHING like that. In fact, knowing her, I think it really was best for our family all around. Yeah, I wished I had a buddy to play Clue with when I was 6, but in the long run, I know my mom was happier doing what she did... and I'm happier having a strong, successful woman as a role model.

But still, like I said, there are definitely things about her parenting style that I didn't like. And it took a while for me to realize that a) that wasn't because she was a working mom specifically and b) I didn't have to adopt that same style if I chose to work.

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