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anger = PPD?

onu2006onu2006
in Success after IF

A little background, DH has a disease called primary sclerosing cholangitis (PSC), and the only "cure" is a liver transplant.  He had a living donor transplant from his dad in 2000, a cadaver transplant in 2002, and he has been on the waiting list for transplant #3 since February 2008.  DS was born February 2009.

I have been getting very angry at DH for what he can't/doesn't do in regards to DS's care.  DH doesn't like people to know that he is sick because he doesn't want their pity, etc.  Only 2 people that he works with know that he is sick.  For this reason, he gives 100% at work and comes home and has nothing left for DS and I.  He has been sick since he was in his early teens, so he doesn't know how other people his age act, how active they are, etc.  He doesn't realize that it is not normal for a 26 year old male to come home from work (a desk job), take a nap, eat supper, shower, and go to bed at 8!!!We don't go very many places or do many things because about all DH can handle is going to the grocery store/wal-mart/target/etc and maybe getting pizze before being worn out. 

I then get angry at myself for feeling this way because I know he can't help it.  It's part of his disease and part of who he is.  I knew when we decided to continue TTC that I would end up with most of the work with a child(and we all know that we can do the day-to-day stuff ourselves).  Maybe I'm more angry because of what he is missing out on.  I know 5 years from now, if DH isn't here, DS won't remember that his dad didn't give him his baths or take him for walks, but I will.

I know everything I feel is 'normal".  Did I have this depression before DS was borng?  I don't know.  Is it the stress of technically taking care of 2 "children" instead of 1?  probably.

Those of you that know about counselors and therapy, are there those that specialize in treating family members of chronically ill patients?  I don't even know where to start to find one.  I have an appt with my PCP, and I'll bring all of this up with him.  I just needed to get this out there, and I know you ladies will give me wonderful advice.

 If you've read all of this, thank you!  If it doesn't make sense, sorry, I was typing how I think Stick out tongue

Jessica

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Re: anger = PPD?

  • LucyPevensieLucyPevensie member

    Oh my goodness - what a lot to deal with!  You know, the same way we can feel "angry" at a baby who is fussing/crying/shrieking because we are tired and frustrated - surely can cross over to feeling "angry" at a husband who can't function well due to an illness.  It's more of an anger at the situation than truly being angry with the baby - or the husband.  So I guess I'd say I don't know if it's "PPD" - or just - "D" (as in depression.) 

    You can definitely find help from a good counselor or therapist - I absolutely think you need to be talking with someone regularly about this - I don't think it's like a mild case of PPD where an anti-depressant is called for and that's that. 

    Life can be really hard to grapple with sometimes - and throw some massive curveballs.  This I know!! 

     Sending you support and hugs and understanding!!  Hang in there!!

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  • dusk42dusk42

    I'm so sorry.  :(  That seems incredibly overwhelming and stressful.  I'm sure many counselors can be helpful in this area, and there is a lot of need for it.  There are also support groups for caregivers.
     
    Also, my church used to run a Care Team for a family through Project Compassion (https://www.project-compassion.org/).  Basically, the family we worked with identified areas where they needed help (meals, mending, chores around the house, etc.) and we coordinated people to fill those roles.  It was a family with two adult daughters, one with Down's who was in heart and kidney failure, and one with rheumatoid arthritis who was also in kidney failure.  These Care Teams are run through families/friends, churches or community groups, but someone could coordinate one for you too (bring a couple of meals a week, etc.). 
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  • manda429manda429
    (((HUGS))) from what you describe, I think I would feel very much the same way.  I get frustrated with DH when he is just sick for a few days and I have to take care of him and the baby.   My DH has his own problems (i.e. our marriage is about #3 on his priority list) so you are not alone in your struggles/frustrations and feelings.  How did you deal with this before you had the baby?  I don't have any good advice, but I think it's good you see the problem and want to work on it. 
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  • SpocklesSpockles member

    Yes, there are counselors who specialize in the area of chronic illness. I really hope you can get help for how you're feeling. It's such hard work taking care of a baby and so stressful having a spouse with a chronic illness. I think it'd help for you to talk it out with a professional. For what it's worth, DH and I went through this same thing (although without a baby). I'm the one with the chronic illness (also liver related so I can sympathize with the fatigue, etc...that your husband has.) I eventually ended up seeing a counselor who specializes in helping people with chronic illness and their families. It was seriously the best thing I ever did! I know DH was probably feeling the same way that you're feeling. Although in my case I wasn't able to work (due to the extreme fatigue and other symptoms) and I think that really got to him and put more stress on him.

    I also think it would probably be beneficial for your husband to also talk to a counselor, since you mentioned that he doesn't want people to know he's sick. It sounds like he might have a hard time accepting the fact that he has a chronic illness.

    I also think that it's somewhat offensive to refer to your husband as a "child" because of his health condition. Until you've experienced what he's going through physically, you can't really judge how he should and should not feel or act.  (not trying to be/sound mean)

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  • DavezWifeDavezWife member

    I wonder if a support group type structure would suit you? It might take some doing to find the right one, but maybe that would work? Perhaps work through an avenue for people living with chronic illness, palliative or even hospice care, and there very well should be a stem-off for spouses. If not... start one? (I know... time, but investing an hour a week into yourself... that's worth it, right?)

    What an uphill battle, my thoughts are with you and your family.Keep truckin'... I bet you are a lot stronger than you think. I can tell ;-)

     

    ps - from a medical/nursing standpoint, is there a medication adjustment on his end they can make to help at least a litte? (as well)

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  • onu2006onu2006

    Thank you all for your thoughts on this, and I have to say that not one of you mentioned meds!  I am a pharmacist, and this makes me very happy because I know that they aren't always the answer.

    Davez - I'm pretty sure you'd agree with me that medical professionals are the worse patients!!!

    Jessica

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