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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
long vent about h
He's spending money like crazy. WTF? We're poor poor poor, can't even afford to pay our bills and keep dipping into our savings every month just to get by. I just hopped on the online banking and the little fuckface just spent $500 on a completely unnecessary truck accessory. Last month he spent like $300 on unnecessary hunting gear. I want to kill him. He had to transfer money over from our savings account to do this. He's taking a 10 day hunting trip in October (don't even get me started on how furious this makes me) which is time off without pay. I don't even know how we're going to survive that pay period. I think I'm going to have to whore myself out. :P
I hate how irresponsible he is. I'm sick of how lazy he is with K. I have to beg him to parent her. I cannot remember the last time he changed a diaper (seriously, it's been at least 6 months), and I don't think he's ever fed her once. He does NOTHING in the house (which I actually don't mind because I'm a neat freak and he's not.) But the least he could do is play with his daughter while I'm making his dinner. I have to tell him to even go pay attention to her. I'd say at least he's supporting us, but he's not even doing that right now. He wants another baby, but at this rate I'm never going to have another one, at least not with him or not until he shapes up and because a dad to the one we've already got.
I'm literally shaking I'm so angry right now. He keeps going on these man trips that do not include me and K. Our only trip together was our honeymoon.
I'd get a job but I don't think I could make enough money to cover daycare, and I don't think I could find a job that would let me work the hours that my mom (who works almost full-time) is free.
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Re: long vent about h
I'm seething for you, just reading this. DH can be lazy about cleaning up but he's great about taking care of DS. Does your DH handle the finances? Regardless, he has to know that he's spending beyond your means which is completely selfish and irresponsible. What if something happens and you need the $$ in your savings but it's gone because "fvckface" spent it all on crap?
Brendan 06.30.08
c/p 02.26.10
I think it's time for separate accounts. The one for bills and the savings are in your name only. And he gets a tiny amount of fun money for him to spend at his discretion.
But frankly, I also think that you might need to consider marriage counseling. It sounds like he could benefit from a wake up call from someone impartial and he needs to hear in someone else's presence how he's hurting you, and your family.
I am so sorry. That is really unacceptable behavior. I really feel for you and hope you guys can find some common ground.
I'm sorry. I would be absolutely livid too.
baby #4 due March '17!
I have to reiterate what PP said about seperate accounts. DH and I have done this since we first were married and it works awesome. We have our own accounts, 1 joint account, and 1 savings account. A tiny percentage of my check goes into MY account and I can spend it however I want without him judging me. It also reigns in my shopping sprees considerably! Hunting gear would fall in this category FOR SURE!!!! I bet he'd think twice if he only had $50 a week to spend on himself!! He'd have to learn how to budget accordingly!
Also like PP said- it sounds like he needs a MAJOR wakup call.
Thanks ladies. I don't think he thinks anything is wrong, and I think he would just deny that he does so little around the house and with K. He's parenting exactly like his parents did...dad goes off on all kinds of fun trips, spends way beyond their means and is only good for random playtime with the kids, while mom stays at home and somehow manages to scrape it together. So his role models certainly weren't the greatest.
You know, his mom just died about a month ago- maybe the wild spending (which is not like him) is because of that? He's never been very helpful, but at least he used to be a little more frugal.
That really sucks. I'm sorry.
My DH has had moments of jerkfaceness when it comes to DD. I think I've gotten through to him though. I basically told him that he sucked as a parent (which he only halfway sucked, I just had to come on really strong for it to click!) and pointed out that soon she'll be old enough to know what's going on. I'm also big on the "Do you want to do this or that" questions. He doesn't get to opt out. Here lately he's been great.
Re: the money thing. We barely even have savings because if DH sees it in the account, he spends it (not often on himself - this month he gave/spent/bought over $200 helping his dad, and his brother owes us hundreds). We argue about things he wants to buy ("needs" a truck, trailer, shed, blah blah) but at least he doesn't go out and just buy them. I think your H needs a reality check and his debit card removed! And I'd be moving savings to an account he can't access. I just opened an online savings account and I've been saving there. He knows it's there, but he knows he can't touch it either!
I have a friend that deals with this too. She has never once been on vacation with her husband of 10 years. Never ONCE brought their kids to a hotel just for the fun of it. But yet every year he manages to go to Canada for a week, goes hunting or fishing every weekend and always has the latest accessories for those hobbies.
I get so angry for her, and now I'm angry for you.
I'm definitely not trying to make excuses for him, however, maybe he needs to talk w/ someone about his mom's death. My DH lost his mom when we were in college. He acted out in some very strange ways, ways that I wouldn't think would manifest themselves as grief. After we talked about it he seemed to realize it did have something to do w/ losing her. Everyone deals w/ things differently. Again, he still needs to get a grip and find a better more productive way to deal w/ his grief.
Sorry you have to deal with this. You're dealing with 2 separate issues here. Money and parenting. Take a step back and come up some ideas how you can solve the financial situation first. Does he realize how much he is spending? It's so easy these days to just whip out you debit card without thinking about it. Maybe offer to handle the household finances because he "works so hard all day"
That way you can get a better grip on things and maybe guide him to make better decisions. After you tackle the finance issue you can then start to address your other concerns.
Men are simple minded and if you started going off on him about all of this, he wouldn't hear any of it. Try createding a spreadsheet laying everything out for him. Maybe it will help.
And yes, fu$kface is a great description of his beahavior. GL
whoa....well if his mom just died that may have something to do with this behavior. he really may need to talk to someone about it. maybe gently suggest it or make him an appointment. i will be honest...when my mom died, and although it was only two years after my dad died, i bought myself a new car. that i totally didn't need. so yeah, his spending might have something to do with his emotional state.
Oh my, that is horrible. Have you tried to sit down and talk to him about how you feel? Maybe you could see a marriage counseler. Are you close to his parents? Could you talk to them about it? It sounds like he is living like a single guy who has no responsibilities and feels no need to spend time or energy on his family. GL, I hope things get better.
eta: I just rad your 2nd post about his parents and his mom passing away. Sounds like all the more reason to look into a counseler. Someone objective could probably really help him.(and you.) Most insurances cover it.