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Adoption
How should we tell our 14 yo that we're planning to adopt a lil girl?
DH and I have been TTC for 3 yrs now. We have come to the conclusion that adoption is best since this will be my first child. We've are in the homestudy process and it is moving pretty quickly. We have no idea how to break this news to our son. Please help!
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Re: How should we tell our 14 yo that we're planning to adopt a lil girl?
I'm confused. If you are already having your home study then your child is suppose to be a part of that study - unless your agency/state has completely different criteria for a home study than I have heard of. Your SW would probably be asking you about this as well. So I don't know how you got to the home study process without talking with your child and having them be a part of the process?
I don't mean to be snarky but I think your 14 year old should have been brought into the conversation ALONG time ago as in ... when you actually made the decision to adopt not several steps down the road during the home study process.
Anyway ... I guess 'how' to 'break' it would be to sit down with him and tell him the HAPPY news! Is there a reason you have treated this with such apprehension?
Well, I guess sooner the better so that he TOO has time to work through his emotions - just as you and your husband have had for awhile now. If I was him, I might feel this was just sprung on me and "oh by the way you have to be interviewed by a SW next week" kind of thing. KWIM?
The wording choice in your previous post is really bugging me. Why did you chose not to share the fact that you made the decision to adopt until now when you need to involve him in the home study? Why have you chosen to use the wording "break it" as if this was some really terrible news? What does your SW think about you having not talked with your child yet?
I feel like children - no matter there age - follow our lead as parents and adults. If you treated this as a secret and are approaching the sharing of the news with such apprehension then you are setting the child up to take, what should be happy news, badly.
I'm sure there is more to the situation, but the little information you shared just is hitting me wrong.
Anyway - good luck!
I absolutely think you need to talk to him as soon as possible. To be perfectly honest, I think that it is pretty awful to spring this on a kid that age. Depending on the kid, he may need time to adjust to this... In getting the idea that he is your H's biological son, I think this may possibly be even harder on him.
Obviously, I'm just speculating based upon the very little information that was given, but just knowing all of the emotions and feelings that go along with being a teenager, I would hope that you would have made him a part of this process from the beginning. Obviously, it can't be undone, but not including him before now makes it seem like you had something to hide. If it was just he and your husband for a while, he may feel as though he is being replaced. I say this b/c you mention that the baby will be your first child. If I assumed incorrectly, please clarify. I don't have any real advice on how to talk to him. Does he know that you had been TTC for some time? Could you possibly use that angle and state that you have decided to persue adoption to expand the family?
Ditto the pps.
This should have been discuss a while ago, but you need to do it now.
Talk about how you have wanted him to have a little brother or sister for a while, and you decided that adoption was the way you want to make it happen. Explain to him what that involves and the role he will play. Be open to his reaction and his emotions.
Good luck to you.
I agree with everyone else - this should have been discussed with your child WAY before the apps were submitted, etc. Especially at 14. Not that you would decided NOT to go through it if he totally objeted. But, at least you would know how he feels and could work through any issues before the home study.
He will be asked some very personal questions, and if he does not have enough time to process all the new info, this WILL come out in the homestudy.
This is all coming from someone who HAS a 14 yr old. So, I will share what we went through.
My son knew we were trying to have a baby. He also knew about the 1st of my 5 miscarriages. We did not tell him about the others until much later.
He did not know the full details of our treatment (fertility treatments for a year), but he kinda knew that we were trying using medical professionals.
When we made the decision to build our family through fost/adopt, we brought it up over dinner. We talk about all sorts of family things during dinner, so it was not a big announcement type of thing. We started talking about how we knew that he knew that we wanted more children - at this point we told him about some (but not all) of the other miscarriages. Then we told him our plans.
It was before the apps were submitted - but not too much before. But, if he was having issues with the whole thing, we probably would have waited to submit the apps until we could work through any issues that he was concerned about. But, I think we also knew that he would be happy about the whole thing.
I think "breaking it to him" does not reflect our conversation.
When they spoke with him during the homestudy - they DID get very personal about his feelings. They asked how he felt about the whole thing, was he excited, what he knew about the process, etc.
This is what I wrote on my blog after we spoke about it. He has been very supportive of the whole process thus far.
We told my son about adopting
I tried to answers his questions as best as possible - and I was impressed about what kinds of questions.
He did not ask things like boy or girl, how old, etc. He asked very grown up questions: Like: will they have visits with their parents? - How long is the process? - Can I go to the classes also, it will help me better understand these children. - What kinds of children are in the "system"?
And my favorite - "What can I do to help"
He is really turning into a fine young man.
My Blog
Nadiyah - are you another adopting stepmom? Welcome!
For us, how involved the child is in the HS depends on their age and whether or not they live with you. my SD is 6 years younger than your SS and doesn't live with us, and the SW only wanted to meet her. Keep in mind though, and I can't emphasise this enough: the SWs that are willing to work with stepfamilies trying to adopt is a small pool, and you need to be very careful about whom you select.
I think what a lot of people don't realize is that there is sometimes an unspoken belief in our culture that stepmoms don't deserve to have their own children, which is unfair and unfortunate.
Not knowing the dynamics of your family - I think if your process is moving quickly, it may be time for you and your DH to talk with your stepson. Present this as good news in a united front, although be prepared for mixed feelings on his part. Consider excusing yourself during the conversation so that your DH can handle the "will you still love me", "So I guess you and Mom are never ever getting back together" type elements if/when they come up.
Also, make sure your DH talks with ex-wife; as the burden of bearing the news shouldn't be on your stepson. If you are at all worried that she might act out aggressively and/or try to interfere with your getting approved, you may want to wait until the homestudy is approved before telling her of your plans.
These are initial thoughts. if you want to post more info about your relationship with your SS, we can prob give you better advice.