Kids saying "sorry" vs. meaning "sorry"

Kellina71 · August 2009

From a part of another post- I am curious about all your thoughts on teaching kids to say, "I'm sorry"....

Do you tell your child to say, "I'm sorry" even if they do not really feel it? Since they are too young to be empathetic at 2-3 years of age, do you still want them to? ?What else would you do if they broke a rule that could hurt someone or if they actually did hurt someone?

Kellina71 · August 2009

I have been telling Caden to say, "I'm sorry" even though he may not know what it means. ?I also discuss tell him clearly and bluntly that it is "not okay to do x, b/c it that could hurt someone." ?By then telling him to say he is sorry, I feel although he may not mean it yet, he will associate the words to the experience and will eventually understand/ care. ?Maybe the "sorry" is really more for the sake of the other person or the parent...

titantsmama · August 2009

I bookmarked this article a while back and really like it:

Child experts agree that kids shouldn't be forced to say "sorry" when they do something wrong. However, that doesn't mean kids should be off the hook either. Adults should take the opportunity to teach kids about why the behavior was wrong and about good manners at the same time. Forcing a young child to say sorry after he bites or hits another child, for example, simply forces a lame, insincere "sorry" statement without changing any behavior. So, what should parents and providers do?

Use the bad behavior as a teaching moment with the child. Experts have many different opinions, but in general agree that getting the child to think about what he has done wrong, why it was wrong, and the impact the behavior had on the other child is the best way to approach the situation. After giving the child time to think about it, then ask what he can do about it to make the wrong right. And, if the child simply suggests saying sorry or giving a hug, well, then it was his idea and it will certainly be more heartfelt!
Label the behavior as wrong. Parents and providers would perform an injustice if they don't simply and plainly spell out that the behavior was wrong. If not, you've reinforced to the child that bad behavior doesn't really matter and won't necessarily have any consequences.
Talk about feelings ... alot! By preschool age, kids are beginning to learn about empathy, and feelings often run strong. When a kid learns that his actions caused another child to feel sad or mad, for example, it can have a greater impact than just "getting in trouble." Adults' role should be to help a child to understand, first, that his actions caused another child to get hurt (either physically or emotionally), and then, begin the process of having a child accept responsibility and feel accountable for his own actions.
Child care providers and partners should partner on teaching the reason behind "sorry." Good communication is a way to help a child on the path to understanding the reason behind feeling the way he does, and of being sorry. Talk about an approach so consistency is applied whether a child is at home with a parent or in the care of a provider. Consistent discipline and discussion lets a child better understand that there are rules and when broken, there are consistent consequences.
Be sure to show love at the same time. Never let a child feel unloved for doing something wrong. Remember the old adage of, "I love you; just not your behavior!"

Kellina71 · August 2009

Thanks April! ?That is really helpful!

KellyMRocks · August 2009

I probably did it alllll wrong with Grey. he is just now starting to get empathy but I think he overuses "sorry".

I really never thought about what "sorry" meant until an adult in my life kept making the same mistake over and over. He kept saying he was sorry every time. I finally said, "You AREN'T sorry, if you were, you wouldn't do it again."

I keep thinking about this when G does something he isn't supposed to and then says sorry, but then does it again. I feel like I have to unteach what I taught him about saying sorry.

titantsmama · August 2009

The part that really hit home for me in the above article is the part where the adult teaches the child that his behaviors have consequences and can cause someone else pain/hurt/sadness versus forcing the child to simply say "sorry". When Ty hits Jacob I try to tell him that what he did really hurt Jacob and made him sad. We don't hit and we don't want to make people sad. I focus most of my attention on Jacob- go to him, pick him up, hug him, and ask him if he's okay. Essentially modeling what I hope Ty will do one day if needed.

Jane talked about the whole sorry thing. Ty says it but doesn't "get it"...I have caught myself telling him to say sorry but am going to try to focus more on modeling the behavior/feelings. Not sure if that makes sense.

KellyMRocks · August 2009

titantsmama:
The part that really hit home for me in the above article is the part where the adult teaches the child that his behaviors have consequences and can cause someone else pain/hurt/sadness versus forcing the child to simply say "sorry". When Ty hits Jacob I try to tell him that what he did really hurt Jacob and made him sad. We don't hit and we don't want to make people sad. I focus most of my attention on Jacob- go to him, pick him up, hug him, and ask him if he's okay. Essentially modeling what I hope Ty will do one day if needed.

Jane talked about the whole sorry thing. Ty says it but doesn't "get it"...I have caught myself telling him to say sorry but am going to try to focus more on modeling the behavior/feelings. Not sure if that makes sense.

I guess I do a little bit of both. Like, if he hits me (which is once in a blue moon) I do tell him that it hurts and makes me sad...but then I also ask him to apologize.

titantsmama · August 2009

I never know what to do when the kid/hurt child/victim is someone we don't know. I can't go up and hug that child. I suppose I could say sorry to the child and ask him if he's okay and then remove Ty from the situation?

I am always good on paper with these situations, in real life- not so much.

dblhappiness · August 2009

Thanks for posting that article, April. I obviously have been emphasizing more of the saying 'sorry' because I have felt the need to. Looking back on my actions today, I know that I do need to tweak things.

titantsmama · August 2009

KellyMRocks:
titantsmama:

The part that really hit home for me in the above article is the part where the adult teaches the child that his behaviors have consequences and can cause someone else pain/hurt/sadness versus forcing the child to simply say "sorry". When Ty hits Jacob I try to tell him that what he did really hurt Jacob and made him sad. We don't hit and we don't want to make people sad. I focus most of my attention on Jacob- go to him, pick him up, hug him, and ask him if he's okay. Essentially modeling what I hope Ty will do one day if needed.

Jane talked about the whole sorry thing. Ty says it but doesn't "get it"...I have caught myself telling him to say sorry but am going to try to focus more on modeling the behavior/feelings. Not sure if that makes sense.

I guess I do a little bit of both. Like, if he hits me (which is once in a blue moon) I do tell him that it hurts and makes me sad...but then I also ask him to apologize.

I think your approach is a good one. Are you hoping that one day he'll associate/learn the feelings that go along with the action of apologizing? It is a big concept to really understand. There are entire nations that don't get it ; )

KellyMRocks · August 2009

titantsmama:
KellyMRocks:
titantsmama:

The part that really hit home for me in the above article is the part where the adult teaches the child that his behaviors have consequences and can cause someone else pain/hurt/sadness versus forcing the child to simply say "sorry". When Ty hits Jacob I try to tell him that what he did really hurt Jacob and made him sad. We don't hit and we don't want to make people sad. I focus most of my attention on Jacob- go to him, pick him up, hug him, and ask him if he's okay. Essentially modeling what I hope Ty will do one day if needed.

Jane talked about the whole sorry thing. Ty says it but doesn't "get it"...I have caught myself telling him to say sorry but am going to try to focus more on modeling the behavior/feelings. Not sure if that makes sense.

I guess I do a little bit of both. Like, if he hits me (which is once in a blue moon) I do tell him that it hurts and makes me sad...but then I also ask him to apologize.

I think your approach is a good one. Are you hoping that one day he'll associate/learn the feelings that go along with the action of apologizing? It is a big concept to really understand. There are entire nations that don't get it ; )

I don't think it was until recently that I thought about what I wanted him to learn about being sorry or feeling sorry. I thought I was just teaching him to be polite...like I said until I have that revelation about what sorry meant due to my adult friend. It was literally just a few days ago that G first did something that he does often and apologized right away. I did try to explain to him that proving that he was sorry would be to not do it again, but I'm pretty sure I was explaining in the same way I would to an adult.

Kellina71 · August 2009

titantsmama:
I think your approach is a good one. Are you hoping that one day he'll associate/learn the feelings that go along with the action of apologizing? It is a big concept to really understand. There are entire nations that don't get it ; )

Yeah- I think your approach IS good Kelly.... I don't think you have to totally reteach! ?I recall a variety of posts from you about this awhile ago that always made me think you did such a great job at explaining the feelings associated. ?

And- like you mentioned- April- I keep thinking that he will bring those words/ feelings/ thoughts all together eventually. ?I am sure I learned to say "I'm sorry" before I knew what it meant, but eventually it made sense. ?I think I ended up being somewhat of an empathetic person. ?AND at least getting him to say it (in addition to talking to him about feelings...) then the other person gets some sort of proper apology too. ?I know what you mean about seeing it on paper vs. putting into action being difficult too though!

SO right about nations not "getting it". Maybe we need to try a sticker poster for those nations.

titantsmama · August 2009

I will say that I think there are a lot of behaviors/things that I was told to do as a child that I didn't "get" until much later on. I don't think that having your child say "sorry" lessens the overall impact of the concept when you look at the big picture. They may not "get it" at two but they'll learn that you say sorry after you do certain things.

Same goes with: excuse me, thank you, etc.

soon2Bkranz · August 2009

Are you listening to mine and Tonys conversations LOL. This has been a topic for us lately.

No we wont teach her to say it...Maybe coax her a little when she is older but not insist on it. I taught for 6 years and never made a student say it and one of my biggest peeves as a teach was when kids just said it..My response was always "no you arent you are sorry you got busted"

I figure we can teach by saying it to her and to others in front of her etc..I look at love and sorry along the same vein...I want her to mean it when she says it...(but I do ask her to say I love you to Daddy) hypocrite much LIbby ?

KellyMRocks · August 2009

I never make grey say LOVE. but I know he means it because when he says he loves me he puts his arms around my neck, flutters his eyes and says, "I love you" in a dreamy kind of sigh. ::melt::

Celyn · August 2009

Going along with April's first post -- One of the thing I learned about teaching empathy in one of Ryan's classes is to teach them to read body language and to think about how they would feel if the same happened to them. A 2-yr old isn't going to grasp this straight away, but they will over time. If they hurt someone's feelings, point out the way the offended child looks when he's hurt -- posture, facial expression, the words they use, etc. Then explain to them why the other child is looking and feeling that way, i.e. Do you know why Johnny feels that way and has a sad face? Because you told him to go away and that hurt his feelings. How would you feel if he said that to you?

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