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Attachment Parenting
DH and co-sleeping
Last night DH had gone out for a bit in the evening and when he came home wanted to cuddle with DS. It was very cute. However, when we went to bed, instead of putting DS on the other side of me like we normally do (between me and the co-sleeper attachment on the bed), he really wanted to sleep with DS on his chest for a bit. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with that because everything I have read says not to do that, and that fathers sleep more deeply and have less awareness of the baby and so its not safe. He got a little hurt by that, and told me that it made him feel "incompetent". He doesn't understand why its not safe, and I didn't really have a good answer for him. I tried to explain that it was not personal but just biology and he weakly agreed and let me take DS over to my side, but he was dissappointed and his feelings were hurt.
Anyone have this problem? I think its very sweet that he wants to be close to the baby, but how can I explain it to him that its not safe without hurting his feelings?
Proud VBAC mama!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH and co-sleeping
I know how you feel..DH is such a deep sleeper...he often doesn't realize that he moves, snores..etc..in bed so I don't permit he to sleep with baby without my being there...
Maybe you can let him nap with the baby while you are in the same room to keep an eye on them or let him have some other type of quality time with just DH
HTH
I'm gonna agree with the PP who said maybe try it out with a nap. Or, if it were us and I watch enviously as Husband falls asleep like someone flipping a switch, I would have let them snuggle for a while and then when he was out (because he does just go OUT) I would have moved the baby.
there is nothing at all wrong or weird about a man wanting to hold his baby.
but a man getting bent out of shape b/c he wants to lie in bed with a baby on his chest and sleep, and his wife is uncomfortable with it? a little weird.
if he wanted to hold the baby,why not hold the baby and then go to bed with the child safely in his/ her safe sleep place?
and why get mad about it?
thats what I found weird. not that he wanted to hold the baby. just that he was resistant to safety and common sense.
Exactly. It is very odd to police a grown man. My daughter slept on my husbands chest 100x. It was the only place she'd sleep for the first few months.
I am not policing him. I have done much more research than him on co-sleeping safety. Whether or not YOUR husband did it 100x, there are certain guidelines set for safe co-sleeping. Babies sleeping on dad's chest is not recommended. I would rather ask my husband not to do that than to have something happen to my baby and regret it for the rest of my life.
My husband's feelings were hurt (in no way did I say he was "bent out of shape) because I informed him of these guidelines, and it made him feel as somehow I must feel like a better parent since DS can sleep with ME and not him. However, that is not what I was saying at all. All I was trying to tell him is that studies show that mother's (especially BF mothers) sleep more lightly and have more awareness of the baby during sleep.
I was asking whether or not anyone had to deal with their DH's feelings getting hurt by this and how they did so. Not so much interested in whether or not you approve.
I'm sorry but I can't stop laughing.
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thank you!
the management
W (02/2009), N (08/2012), and C (04/2014)
I agree with all of this- I guess my focus on the whole husband not comprehending safety or logic made my response unfavorable.
I haven't let either kid sleep between us, or on my husband IN the bed...it doesn't seem safe. Mr Franken doesn't question this practice, and surely isn't hurt that the best place for our sleeping children is not on his chest in our bed.
I re read this post and your responses...and I have no idea whatyou're asking? hes not bent out of shape, he's hurt? ok...gently give him info on why its not a "best practice"
I do agree with you that it is not.
sorry I said he got bent out of shape when in reality he was just hurt?
DH liked to have DS on his chest but worried that he would roll over. I would just move him as soon as he fell asleep. My husband falls asleep within 5 min so it was no big deal.
I say let them have their cuddle time. Just tell hubby that you will move him eventually.
You need to find non-terrifying information on bedsharing safety - Dr Sears is a good resource, as well as James McKenna.
We didn't let either of our kids sleep in the middle until I knew that it was safe to do so - and my DH has been fine with that. And we, neither of us, sleep/slept with either baby on our bodies.
If he's hurt by you saying that something is unsafe - I wonder if maybe it was your delivery. I'm not necessarily accusing you, but if you got too "omg no no no she'll DIEEEEE" kind of thing, I can see why that would be hurtful.
It sounds like he just wants some bonding time with the baby, which is wonderful. Let him. But make sure he's doing it safely. Cosleeping in a way that you KNOW is unsafe, is irresponsible, plain and simple. So try to find ways to let him sleep with the baby in the safest manner possible. And be careful to not come off as though you think he's a moronic babykiller for even suggesting it - not that you did, but just be careful about the "delivery".
My DH also felt incompetent because of the whole "safest with BF mother" bit, and I know he felt a little hurt by it as well. Not hurt by me, just hurt by the facts. He really enjoyed it when she would sleep on his chest (during the day; he was awake) so I can see why your DH would want to as well.
I would try to explain that it's because of the hormonal conenction between a BF mother and the baby, not that mothers are "better" than fathers or that fathers would let anything happen to their baby.
I don't think it's strange that he was hurt by it either. There's a lot of fous on mothers in general, less so on fathers and i think it's easy for them to feel like they are less important.
Wow, I would never dream of setting "rules" for my husband. We are a team and make parenting decisions together.
This. I also trust that my husband would never do anything to put my child in danger
So...if your husband declared that he wanted to come home from an evening out, and put your sleeping child on his chest and go to bed- that would be ok with you?
really?
ok.
so maybe your husband would NEVER do that..(niether would mine.) but what if he DID?
Do you mean to say that you would never dream of telling him not to do something? Even if it was potentially detrimental to your baby's safety or well being?
interesting...
This is exactly what I meant. I guess he was hurt by the facts because I was intentionally gentle in my delivery. He does underestimate how deeply he sleeps, so I guess its not that I don't trust him, I just think he doesn't realize that he is an incredibly deep sleeper. For the record, I do let DS sleep between us, I just don't feel comfortable with him on DH's chest. I think he feels a little "left out" during night-time bonding, which I can completely understand. My question was simply if anyone else's DH feels the same way, and any ideas you had for helping him not feel that way. Sorry if it was unclear. I got a little defensive when the first poster responding to my legitimate question suggesting I ignore my instinct and allow a situation I don't personally feel comfortable with and one that is not recommended by researchers.
Thanks to all with the helpful suggestions!
If my husband had come home after having 1 beer in 4-5 hours and wanted to cuddle with my child on his chest "for a bit." WTF is wrong with that?
This is truly a hilarious thread. I don't parent my husband. I'm lucky I married a partner.
The OP's husband wanted to leave the baby to sleep on his chest in the bed. Not just for a bit.
That is dangerous, period. And irresponsibility when bedsharing/cosleeping is why tragic (and preventable) accidents happen - which then gives people/authorities even more ammo with which to slam cosleeping.
If it was just a snuggle on the sofa for a couple hrs while watching tv - that's one thing. Sleeping on a parent's chest, in bed, while the parent is also sleeping deeply (and I don't even care if the parent is mom OR dad) is dangerous.
And a mother (or father) is well within their rights to tell the other parent that doing dangerous things with their baby is not okay. It's not parenting your spouse, it's looking out for the best interests of your baby.
So I guess you and your husband NEVER disagree about what is best for baby? I don't think that voicing an opinion different from DH's is "parenting" him. Just disagreeing.
You'll notice that my husband didn't just want to cuddle with him on his chest for a bit, but SLEEP with him on his chest in the bed "for a bit" which would mean in our case when DS woke to eat in 3-5 hours (because my husband sleeps so deeply he wouldn't wake up before DS did)
Also, I should add that if you feel comfortable with your DH doing that, good for you. I'm not trying to say its not safe in all cases. I just don't feel comfortable with it in our case.
See, I don't have the last word in parenting our child. We have equal say in the choices we make as parents. My opinions don't trump his just because I pushed the baby out and nursed her.
My problem here is the tone that some of you are using about your husbands-it implies they are somehow less capable of making decisions about what is best for your children than you are. If that's the case, I think that's sad.
It's not an OPINION issue, it's a safety issue.
If my husband decided tomorrow that his "opinion" was that Evan was a big boy and didn't need his car seat anymore, you can bet your tushie that I would be TELLING him that his opinion was stupid and that it would never fly in my house.
And if I was ever doing something that is flat-out dangerous with either of our kids, my husband would absolutely tell me it was a no-go and it had to stop.
We never got "evenings out" when my baby was young enough to sleep on our chests, but if we had I don't understand why this situation would be controversial. Books can't tell you that your husband is more of a risk than you are. Only you and your family (read: you AND hubby) can decide what is good for you. I find it strange that you think it's OK to tell your husband what the rules are without discussion when he wants to be close to his child in that way, when so many mothers wish their husbands had that type of interest in their children.
My feelings would have been extremely hurt if I was your DH. Why not let him fall asleep with baby and then move the baby when he was asleep?
ETA: I just saw that this baby is 5 weeks old. LMAO! At 5 weeks old I was so delusional that I would have let anyone sleep with the baby anywhere. If they could get him to sleep for more than 15 minutes that is.
You should be thanking your lucky stars you have the time and energy to argue this post. lol
In my family, it's our house. Not my house.
So...a father sleeping with a newborn baby on his chest is akin to putting your child in the car without a carseat. Interesting.
I bet some of you would drive wearing your kid if you thought you could get away with it.
I would not let DS sleep on DH either. Actually, DH is the one that said he doesn't feel comfortable sleeping with him. He probably would now if we still coslept, but as a newborn, we felt it wasn't safe. We would wake up and DH would be on top of the baby or had his pillow laying on top of the baby. DH is a wild, deep sleeper.
As for explaining it to him nicely, I don't know how to help you. Good luck!
And in OUR house, if someone is doing something unsafe with the kids, the other person steps in and says something. Any cosleeping safety recommendations I have read have all said that sleeping with the baby on your chest is unsafe - regardless of which parent is doing it. So, no I would not want my husband to do something we both know to be unsafe.
This isn't a control-freak thing, nor is this a "refusal to let anyone else hold the baby" issue. Simply a safety thing.
I can be a bit militant (and so can my DH, as it so happens) about cosleeping safely. We do this full time, long term, and we are (as a COUPLE) determined to do it safely and responsibly.
On the flip side to me saying no to DH sleeping with ether of our kids on his chest, would be the few times I've taken cold medication and he's told me to sleep in the spare room because the medication was making me drowsy. I didn't think he was on some power-trip control thing, and I didn't get my feelings hurt when he told me he didn't think I should be sleeping beside the baby. Becuase at the end of the day, he was right - I was groggy and drowsy and knew I was going to sleep like a log that night.
If you know something is unsafe, and do it anyway, what would you think (or your DH) if something did go wrong and it all could've been prevented.
I will be the first to admit that I am *extremely* anal about a few safety things - and cosleeping is top of the list. Luckily my DH is on board with that too so there just hasn't been any hurt feelings in our family about any of this stuff.
You are wicked. Do you ever post in a supporting manner?
I understand your fears. Perhaps you could sleep next to them with your hand on the baby in a "loving" way? That might make you feel safer for the next time this comes up. My husband loved sleeping with the baby at that age. Or more so he loved being awake with the sleeping baby on his chest . Try that, the awake sleep, until you feel more comfortable.
Apologize to him, and give the baby to him for his next nap. Tell him you're still nervous about bedsharing and that your can work together to get more comfortable. It's normal to be worried a lot at the beginning of your babies life.
really? I don't get the posts saying that she should wait until he passes out and then move the baby...if the baby is sleeping- then WHY would she stay up and wait to move him/ her?
and it isn't parenting your spouse to say that they ought not to do something unsafe with a kid- and besides, isn't he parenting her by demanding to do what he wants despite her protest?
Some of these responses are FUNNY!!
and yes- I think there is nothing wrong with him napping with the baby securely on a couch or big chair- but horizontally on a bed- simply not safe- even if you don't ever tell your husband no, dear.
Exactly. It's absurd. I can find you 10000 articles that say bedsharing is dangerous. If he quoted them would he be "doing the best for his child"?
Honestly I find this entertaining to no end.
If you're still not comfortable trying it, there's research out there explaining what you've already tried to tell him - sometimes it helps to see evidence.
I feel like and have always felt it is not safe for any adult to fall asleep themselves holding an infant. If you're asleep the baby should be in a safe place.
If you're awake I don't think it is ever an issue for the baby to sleep on either adults chest.
No one is able to keep a baby safe 100% while they are sleeping imo.
So yea you should tell him no hun you can' sleep holding the baby. But you should be practicing what you preach.