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Blended Families
peanutontheway
member
New here ::vent:: LONG!
peanutontheway
member
I lurk here. My family isn't exactly blended, yet.
Back story:
I got pregnant with DD after not knowing BF very long. I told him I was pregnant and he bolted. Well, I shouldn't say that. He did the whole "lets get married". I said no, that I really didn't know him. Then he bolted two weeks after I told him I was KU. I would get the occasional phone call (less than once a month) to see if I wanted to hang out because he was in town. Sure, ok. We would arrange a time and place and I would be the idiot waiting there for hours for someone that never showed up. When I was 7 months pregnant he showed up at my door. He was very obviously drunk and "just wanted to make sure I wasn't lying about this whole kid thing". Then tried to get me in bed. After many attempts and a threat to call the police he left. I didn't hear from him again until I went into labor. I text him "I'm in labor if you want to come to _____ hospital." His response "cool". I was in labor a long time and had some time to stew about it. I was 7 or 8 cm and I text him something nasty and petty I'm sure. It was along the lines of not being there for his DD birth like I'm sure he won't be there for her growing up. That one got no response. He never came for the birth or the whole time I was in the hospital.
He met DD for the first time when she was 4 months old. He had called and text me numerous times before that to schedule a time to meet her. Every time he bailed. Once I sat in Panera with a 2 month old for 2 hours waiting on him to not show, again. I was furious. When he did meet her he fell in love, he says. He was actually pretty good for a couple weeks. Called everyday to check on her, bought her a jumper and sent it to me, etc. That was short lived and I didn't hear from him for over 2 months. Then he starts texting me and calling me asking how I am. How I am? Never once asked how Avery was or to see pictures or that he wanted to come see her again. Just how I was. We got into a big fight and I told him not to contact me unless he wanted to talk about his daughter. He continued to text me with I love you and I want to get back together, you mean everything to me, blah blah blah. (We were only together 6 weeks when he took off.) I called my phone company and had his number blocked. After about 6 weeks I felt guilty and unblocked it. Who am I to close contact with him? What if he actually decides one day he wants to step up and I've closed the door? Maybe I should just deal with his idiocracy until that time. I don't know.
The icing on the cake: he lied to me about his last name and when his birthday was. I even took him out for his suposed birthday dinner. WTF? I filled out paperwork to get c/s and that person doesn't exist. I confronted him about it and he stands by the fact that is his name but refuses to show me proof. I told him just take a pic of his license and send it to me...nope. He refuses to show me proof and thinks I'm being ridiculous because I don't trust him.
DD legally has no father. That part of her birth certificate is just blank. It does not say "unknown father" because I know who her father is. Well, the person, apparently not his name or DOB. Part of me just wants to completely shut him out of our lives so he can't continue doing this to her when she's old enough to know. (My dad did this to us growing up and I know that pain to feel not wanted.) But, part of me knows that's unfair to not give him a chance and maybe one day in the future he will wake the heck up.
He called me Thursday, wanted to come down Friday. Ok, I'll meet you at this place at 1 o'clock. Guess who didn't show. He called yesterday, it was a misunderstanding he said he THINKS he wants to come down Friday. I'm so tired of the games.
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for "listening".
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New here ::vent:: LONG!
First of all, your DD is so cute! And second, your X is an A$$! I feel so bad for you and DD. Luckily, she is too young to know what's going on, but I imagine this is incredibly stressful, frustrating, and heartbreaking all at once for you.
I don't think you can block his number or ignore him since he's the father of your child. Although if his name isn't on the birth certificate and there is no CO in place or paternity test to prove he is, I guess technically you could. I would want him out of my life too if this is how he is going to act and behave. You have to decide what is best for your daughter. To have this guy in her life, coming and going as he pleases, or to not have a father in her life at all. Not like this guy sounds like much of a father but you know what I mean. And you also need to look at this from a legal standpoint. You don't want anything you do or say now to come back and bite you in the a$$ a few years from now when (if) he's cleaned up his act and wants partial custody, etc. Just some things to think about. But for sure, don't waste time replying to his texts or answering his calls when it doesn't have to do with DD.
How fustrating!
Is there a way that you could get his legal name from his cell phone number? or could you ask him for an email address? Do you know where he works? Just trying to think of ways that you could find out his "real" name- I can't belive that he lied about that!
Sorry to ask this but is there any chance he's in the country illegally and is afraid of getting caught? I ask because this sounds like my friend's sister. The babies' BF was here illegally though she knew that. When she got pregnant he wanted to get married right away. She wouldn't and he basically disappeared and she knows there's no way for her to track him down because he's here illegally, there no real proof of who exactly he is.
If I were you I'd tell him first there nothing more until he proves who he is and gets his name on the bc. After that I'd just leave the door open for him to see DD but nothing else. If he wants to meet you somewhere make plans but tell him you will only wait 30m and leave. And document everything, you never know if you'll need these notes someday.
The door for the two of you is shut, sealed and cemented. Do not allow him any conversation that doesn't involve DD.
I doubt that he is here illegally. We met in a different town, he was there for college and I lived there after college. We have both since moved to different states. I guess it's always possible. He did say his father is from Africa, but he would have to have a visa or something to go to school here right? His parents live and work in the town he now lives in. I think he's legal. Honestly, I think he's into something shady. He went to school for a long time, didn't pass his test and now just doesn't think he wants to be that anymore. He's unemployed, so he says and has been for almost 2 years now.
I did tell him when I last talked to him that I would not be agreeing to meet him anymore or talk to him until I had some proof of who he was. Who's to say he wouldn't try to snatch her and run off? I have no way of ever tracking her down. Would that happen? Probably not, but it's still there in the back of my head. He knows there is no way there could ever be an "us". Well, I've told him until I'm blue in the face. He found out the other day that I'm dating someone and got furious! How dare I bring some random dude around HIS daughter! Do I even know this guy? Haha, I don't even know her FATHER! Obviously I know this guy, I even know that his name is really his name! Can he really be in that big of denial? Why would I not move on? He said he thought I would be waiting for him. I give that the laugh of the century.
Your daughter is adorable!
While I agree with you about not wanting to cut off contact, the flip side is having a man that is in and out of your DD life which isn't good for her either.
Is there anyway that you can afford to hire a private detective? I bet they could find out all the info that you need in a quick period of time.
I think that you should stop waiting for him. He needs to proove himself, and the first step of doing that is by being honest with you. YOur DD doesn't need a deadbeat or scammer in her life. He might be lying because of a criminal background or something like that. What if he is a sex offender?
You are dealing with so much. Hugs....
I hired a PI. The PI came back with nothing base on the info I had. Because, of course, it was probably all lies. His phone number came back to a prepaid phone which I find incredibly odd. I do know what kind of car he used to drive but when he met me when she was 4 months old he was driving a rental car and says he sold the car. I do know the school he said he went to. How do I know he even went for what he said he went for? I can't believe anything about him. I'm at the point where I pretty much want to say "thanks for the contribution but we won't be needing you, goodbye". I honestly don't even know if I want to know who he really is and track down the truth. The measly amount I would get in c/s isn't really worth having to deal with him anyway.
And, the guy I have in my life now is great. He's great with her, great with me, all around great. If this does go somewhere he is prepared to step in and be her father, perhaps legally. If it does come to that I would of course tell DD the truth, but what if she wants to track down her BF? I have no info to give her. I guess that's the most upsetting part of all of this.
It is indeed upsetting, but it is what it is, sadly. If he calls, don't wait for him, don't go meet him. Go about your day. If he shows up and sees you're not there, he has your number and he can call you to ask "hey, where are you?"
He's playing you, manipulating and controlling. Don't let him do that. Don't let him guilt you, don't let him control you. Go on with your life. Your daughter may or may not miss having a dad in the picture, but if she has at least one stable person (you) in her life, it will give her a better start than a lot of kids. When she's old enough to understand her heritage, if her BF hasn't shown up, you can tell her the story in the best way possible for her to understand and accept. Maybe have a counselor waiting in the wings to help.
He's not on the BC, he has no rights. If he wants them, he needs to file to get them. You'll have his real name then.
You're a good mom for worrying about this. For now, fill her life with things other than "we're waiting for your daddy" and him not showing up. THAT will play more havoc on her emotions than simply not having him in her life at all, imo.
Good luck to you and your adorable DD.
Can't a PI follow him and try to get info that way? I don't know, the more you say maybe it's better if he does just vanish out of your lives. It sounds like he has something to hide and maybe it's better just not to know.
As for telling your daughter, the most important part is being honest. She will grow up knowing that even though he isn't involved he gave you the biggest gift you could ever have hoped for, which obviously is her.
If she wants to track him down when she is older, deal with that when the time comes. Who knows what kind of technology the future will have or if he will have gotten his life together.
Look at J&K's post. Her DH walked away from his 2 oldest kids twice and tracked them down. I don't know if it's a good thing, but anything can happen.
I'm a step-child, so not a parent in a blended family situation, but I want to stress that I couldn't agree with this statement more. Re-block his phone number and do not respond to him. He can go through the proper legal channels if he wants to have any kind of relationship with his biological daughter (including paying to prove paternity). Do not talk to him, do not entertain meeting up with him, and do not feel bad about doing so. I would talk to an attorney and be ready with that attorney's name if he contacts you again.
Your made more than a concerted effort to allow, even foster, a relationship. At this point, continuing to respond to such poor behavior on the ex-BF's part is likely to create a far bigger problem for your daughter than allowing him to stay involved would potentially have prevented (and it was only potential anyway). CUT HIM OUT of both your lives.
AMA & SAIF. TTC #1 since Oct. 2010. DX: Unexplained. BFP on break after 32 months trying and 2 med cycles. Baby girl born at 40w0d!
jbelle
this, all of it!!! GL
My mom left my birth certificate blank--just her because she didn't want my BF to have any claim on me ever. Same goes for his family.
I am grateful to this day she did that. I really don't want to have anything to do with them (he doesn't even know I exist--he used to beat my mom and she was afraid he would kill her or me or both of us).
I would do the same thing...leave it blank. When my mom married my "dad" a few years later, he adopted me and was added to my birth certificate. I was about 5 and I remember doing the name change, etc. I am so glad she did everything she did the way she did.
Don't track him down, don't hire a PI, don't ask him for his name again.
I would reblock his number and move.
You have given him numerous chances to step up and be a part of her life, and now you just need to cast him off like a piece of poo stuck to your shoe, since he is choosing to act like a piece of sh*t.
If he ever cleans up his act and gets it together, he can track you down and file to try to get some rights to DD.
Any child support you could get from him will not be worth the headache and heartache that this man will cause to you and DD in his present state.
I have two beautiful, wonderful, SSs that I love with all my heart. Their BM is curently acting like a piece of poo, as she has the majority of their lives. She's in and out when she wants to be, then once every so often she gushes about "her babies" and being "mommy" and all that, then poof, she's gone again. The ups and downs are terrible for them, and she sounds like she's even more committed to being a parent than your ex.
Let this girl know some stability and cut him loose. You've done more than enough, and he's still not being honest with you about his name!
If he ever shows up years down the line, you can just explain you did what was best for DD and his daughter deserves better. Hopefully by then if he's gone through the effort of reconnecting again it will be because he's gained some perspective and maturity.