Daddy Emotionally "Checked Out"

He_Calls_Me_Angel · August 2009

So here I am entering my 2nd trimester. I'm excited! My boyfriend is definitely not. I thought it would get better with time, as he gets a grip that we are pregnant, but he hasn't. This is not his first child either. I told him 2 months ago that I was pregnant, and we didn't talk about it again until last week. He's expressed the fact that he is scared about many things. His 4 year old, and how this will affect her, how he is going to love a 2nd child, the economy and how hard it is to raise a child in this climate, etc. Meanwhile, nothing about his life has changed and he doesn't make time for us - it seems his priorities are totally out of whack. He claims that he loves me, and until we learned we were pregnant, I believed him. I am having serious doubts. I wanted to respect him and share the news with people when we were both ready, but it seems like he won't accept any of what is going on until I pop this child out. I know he will not deny his child. Anyone else going through or KNOW someone that is experiencing something similar? How do you go through each day with so little support? We live together and to watch him, day in and day out, pretty much ignore me and how I feel, is killing me. Don't get me wrong, he is not mean to me... it's just as if he acts like I am not even here.

KB1001 · August 2009

Wow that is a pretty rough situation to be in. I don't live with my SO but he doesn't talk about me being pregnant with anyone other than me. I am going though whether or not he is going to be there for us the way he is with his other kids. Nothing has changed in our relationship since i got pregnant we just don't go out and do things together the way we have before. I totally understand what you are going through. its tough!

ella.mabel · August 2009

I would suggest counseling. Allowing him to ignore the issue will only make it worse. You deserve the right to share your special news with your friends and family and enjoy your pregnancy. If you aren't getting any support from him, you should at least be able to share in your experience with those who love you and will support you emotionally through this experience. Good luck.

ellemoney:) · August 2009

It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and talk and figure out what you need to do.?

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this while you're pregnant, but you're only 13 weeks. It's only going to get harder, KWIM??

I would actually suggest going to talk to someone professionally. Not just just you, but both of you.

Good Luck. ?

Lindsey7521 · August 2009

My husbands a little emotianally not there too. But I when i talk to him about it hes like "What do you mean I'm not there? I do all kinds of stuff. Mow the grass, fix the stuff thats broken. Blah blah blah." That doesnt count to me. He like to throw him self little pity parties too. Like "poor me. my job sucks, life sucks, I wanna quit, how are we gonna do this" I wanna smack him and tell him to suck it up and act like the 32 year old he is and not a 21 one year old. And this is also not his first child. He has an 11 yr old.

mrs_sherod · August 2009

Wow, not to be rude, but if he had all of those concerns, he should have been trying to prevent pregnancy. Nothing is 100% but abstinence, but still. Now that you are pregnant, he needs to embrace it. You shouldn't have to go around your home with him on pins and needles afraid to say anything about the pregnancy.

I'm not going through that, but I hope everything turns out well for you.

cara_swinney · August 2009

Oh no, I'm sorry you're going through this. ::hugs::

My experience was similar while pg with DS. My husband at the time was excited, more so than I was actually. DS was a surprise, we were planning to wait a few years before babies. As time went on he grew more and more distant and detached from me and the idea of a baby. By the time DS was born he offered almost zero support. He drove me to the hospital and stayed for the birth but disappeared shortly thereafter. I had to call my mom to drive DS and I home from the hospital, he didn't want to come get us. Needless to say, he and I are no longer married and I have raised DS by myself. I hope things turn around for you, and remember that we're always here!!

He_Calls_Me_Angel · August 2009

Not rude, I completely agree. I was on BC. Lovely.

mooeta · August 2009

My DH was pretty detached during 1st tri right up until I had a bleeding scare at 14 weeks. He then realized that there's a delicate child inside me that while he can't see, hear or feel yet, is there and we're both scared of losing. I had an U/S at 17 W and it really turned everything around for him too, to finally be able to see our daughter and share this experience. Give him time, if he's an ass then dump him. Honestly, sometimes being a single mom is better than having two parents who argue or are not happy. Give him time, but don't let him bring you down, you have to be strong for the baby. Either he will or he won't come around.

Mrs.Keith2B · August 2009

You say that he won't deny his child, but in a sense, he's already doing that. To not dicuss your pregnancy for nearly two months after telling him about it says a lot.

I also agree that counseling would be a good fit for you two. Good luck and I hope everything works out!

He_Calls_Me_Angel · August 2009

Thank you for all of the feedback - I was such a grazer before, never realized how therapeutic it feels to hear all of your answers.

The other day, he shared the news with one of his friends - right in front of me. I said "Oh, awesome! Does that mean I get to tell my mom now?" He said, "No, I haven't come to grips with it yet." uGH!

I know he sounds like a total jacka$$, but he is a very loving, caring person. I don't understand how to nip this in the bud.

Professional counseling may be the way.

jenny1980 · August 2009

You need to sit down and have a frank conversation. You absolutely deserve to know the level of his commitment to you and this child.

carrieannew · August 2009

I'm sorry your going through this. I can also understand. But I understand because I am the one who "checked out".

Pregnancy I feel can make or break a relationship more than anything. And i was the one who said all along that if we make it through this we will make it through anything. Sadly that will not be the case.

You are stronger than you realize.

fiftysixty · August 2009

This is going to sound brutal, but I'm going to be as kind as possible: It sounds like the first child was not with you, correct? Look very carefully at how he treats the mother of his previous child. You need to find a way to get him into some sort of counselling, or get him to confide in you what is really scaring him.Was he ready for this little one? Is it a surprise? (Mine was!)

Just 'being there' for you monetarily may be helpful, but it's not enough. Not for you, not for baby. Don't get me wrong- lots of women and children are just fine with little to no support. But to have that support, and have it taken away? I can't understand, but I completely empathize. The hormones alone have me in tears over the tiniest thing, and to feel abandoned, I just wish I could give you a hug. Be strong, be kind, but be firm. He may not even realize that's how he's treating you.

Maybe you can look up some local family-support groups. Welcome wagons, etc. Places that offer help and assistance, but don't have the stigma that most people have against assistance things like WIC. Maybe having those available so you can say "Look, honey. There's X and Y and Z that can help us out if we need help with food or money, so that's one less thing we have to worry about."

I hope you get it sorted.

sara_smile · August 2009

He_Calls_Me_Angel:

Thank you for all of the feedback - I was such a grazer before, never realized how therapeutic it feels to hear all of your answers.

The other day, he shared the news with one of his friends - right in front of me. I said "Oh, awesome! Does that mean I get to tell my mom now?" He said, "No, I haven't come to grips with it yet." uGH!

I know he sounds like a total jacka$$, but he is a very loving, caring person. I don't understand how to nip this in the bud.

Professional counseling may be the way.

It sounds to me like he's just being selfish... he gets to tell his friend and you can't tell your MOM? That's total BS.

Max'smom · August 2009

sara_smile:
He_Calls_Me_Angel:

Thank you for all of the feedback - I was such a grazer before, never realized how therapeutic it feels to hear all of your answers.

The other day, he shared the news with one of his friends - right in front of me. I said "Oh, awesome! Does that mean I get to tell my mom now?" He said, "No, I haven't come to grips with it yet." uGH!

I know he sounds like a total jacka$$, but he is a very loving, caring person. I don't understand how to nip this in the bud.

Professional counseling may be the way.

It sounds to me like he's just being selfish... he gets to tell his friend and you can't tell your MOM? That's total BS.

If you are ready to share the news with your mom you should tell her. I am not sure why you should have to clear it with him first. If he is not ready to accept that a baby is coming that is his problem and does not change the fact that you are indeed pregnant.

NiniJ55 · August 2009

He_Calls_Me_Angel:

Thank you for all of the feedback - I was such a grazer before, never realized how therapeutic it feels to hear all of your answers.

The other day, he shared the news with one of his friends - right in front of me. I said "Oh, awesome! Does that mean I get to tell my mom now?" He said, "No, I haven't come to grips with it yet." uGH!

I know he sounds like a total jacka$$, but he is a very loving, caring person. I don't understand how to nip this in the bud.

Professional counseling may be the way.

First of all - I want to say that I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope that in the next couple of months he will come around.

Second - he can not tell you not to tell your mother the good news. My DH did not want me spilling the beans to anyone until we reached 13 weeks. I have a big mouth and told my mother and aunt -- LOL. DH was upset that I could not keep my mouth shut - but I told him, if you don't want to tell your side of the family yet I understand. But these people are close to me and I want them to know - end of discussion.

Good luck.

He_Calls_Me_Angel · August 2009

Really not usually an emotional person (blame it on the belly), but I'd just like to let you all know that you seriously made my day!

Now if the rest of the day would just fly on by, that would be nice

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