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2nd Trimester
getnmarried910
member
NBR Need advice
getnmarried910
member
This is more toddler and MIL related. DH and I decided a long time ago that we don't feel kids need b-day parties every year, so we decided to do something little for DD this year. We are planning something really neat for her fifth birthday, so we're putting what we would have spent on parties this year and next away because it's a bit pricy, but we think something small is fine for most years.
We decided we'd take her to Chuck E Cheese this year, invite MIL, my sister and her boyfriend and DH's brother and his girlfriend. That is our immediate family that lives close by, and we think that is enough for a small celebration.
MIL is insisting she is going to do a party for DD at her house so the entire family can be there. This is all extended family-MIL's siblings and her mom. They can show up at Chuck E Cheese, we don't care, but we are not paying for everyone. MIL refuses to even go to that. I'm not sure if this is a case where she just wants to get her way (she is extremely controlling, so we have to set firm boundaries with her) or what other reasoning is. She is grandma so she won't be excluded (although I'd like to after all my dealings with her lately). She also often refuses to come to things if we dno't invite everyone in the entire family. We've invited her to go out to dinner with us so she can have time with the kids, and she will refuse if we don't call and invite everyone.
I just want some advice on what we should do. LIke I said, I don't know what her reasoning behind a party is. I don't know if it's a control issue and she wants it for DD so she is determined to do it (she never had girls so when it comes to DD she tries to do whatever she wants regardless of our wishes) or what. What would you do in this situation?
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Re: NBR Need advice
Well I would let her do whatever the hell she wants because:
a. if I say no it will start a fight
b. she is going to whatever the hell she wants anyway.
c. DH does not need more crap than he already gets.
d. it is a meal that I will not have to prepare for or clean up after.
e. if people want to buy my kids toys, great. I put them all away and pull them out one at a time when we are a little bored.
I think you are on the right track. Your DD is YOUR DD not your MIL's, so stick with the plans you've made and, like you've already said, state that everyone else can show up if they like. There is no reason for you to pay for everyone.
That being said - if she want's to do something else for your DD, just let her it will benefit DD and keep the peace with her (since she seems difficult).
As for her saying "she will not be excluded" - she's excluding herself, you've already invited her to be a part of your plans.
GL either way!
I sort of understand the aversion to CEC since it is very loud, lots of screaming kids and such, so I get why MIL doen't want to go, or have family go. You can't really talk and spend time together at a place like that. That's more for kids to play together.
As for MIL wanting to throw her own party... I would find out exactly why. Is it because she thinks your party plans are beneath her? or is it because she loves her granddaughter and wants to have all the family celebrating her birthday? Family gatherings on my DH's side are always pot lucked, and low budget, but so much fun and it's wonderful spending time with everyone, and it includes all his aunts, uncles, and cousins (his dad is one of eight, and there's about 13 cousins).
If it's not a control thing, but a kind gesture and she's paying for all the food, and cleaning up, then by all means let her throw one! Have both parties, and DD will be so happy. I'd also make sure she's willing to do the same for DS. Wouldn't want it looking like there's a favorite child!
Let your MIL know that you appreciate her offer to have a party at her house with the family, but would like to have a small intimate gathering for your DD at CEC. Possibly she can host a party a different day. Why cant you have both?
How are your DD & DS affected when your MIL refuses to show up to see them b/c the entire family isn't there? Do they not even notice or does it bother them? Maybe hint that this is bonding time between her and her grandchildren during these intimate events, a benefit for both her and the grandchildren.
Hopefully she will see the light, but maybe she never will.
Best of luck.
MIL does not treat DS the same. She missed his first birthday last year because of an OOT wedding, which is understandable, but didn't offer the same thing, and never even asked to see him for his birthday. She just dropped gifts off late in the evening when he was sleeping. DD is the favorite. MIL only had boys and only wanted granddaughters. We have had many battles over her playing favorites as well.