Delivering a sick baby at 30 weeks with hubby out of town

So here is a little record of what happened around Castalia's birth.

On Tue March 10th I thought Castalia moved less than usual (I actually had pregnancy photos done that day) but she wasn?t very active and mentioned that to Sasha. Usually at night he rubs cream on my belly and feels her move, that night she was sleepy. I thought I would pay closer attention on Wed. Wed came and went and I only felt VERY light movement at night on a handful of occasions while I had been feeling and seeing her move in my belly very actively since wk 14. I thought something was weird, especially since my belly had been pretty hard (although it was always since I had been getting Braxton-Hicks for 10 wks), I had lower back pain (which I always have anyhow but which turned out to be cramps/back contractions).

Thur (3/12) morning I canceled my plans and went to the doc. They ran tests at the office then at the hospital for next to 4-5h, all were excellent. On the monitor, Castalia was moving a lot, somehow I just couldn?t feel her. On the ultrasound, they did a BBP (bio physical profile) which was excellent. They measure 8 different pts (movement, fluid level ?which was high but within the norm-, heart rate?).

They also ran a fetal fibronectin where they collect a sample which the lab divides into 2 categories: negative (=highly unlikely to be in labor in the next 2 wks or positive (=one out of six, chance of being in labor in the next 2 weeks.) Mine was negative, my cervix were closed, so they just sent me home and I was totally at peace with that as everything checked out.

I asked the u/s technician if Castalia had dropped yet and she said yes. At my last ob visit, 10 days prior, when I asked -through touching- they said that she had not dropped. So, I just assumed the difference in ?Feeling her? was simply due to her new found position.

So, Sasha joined me at the hospital for an hour or so during the tests and we headed home feeling much at peace and Sasha packed up to leave for California an hour later.

I had a very regular day on Fri, worked lightly around the house, went to the French consulate, and ran a few errands. My back ?pain? was bothersome but tolerable so I debated going grocery shopping Fri evening and decided to be ?lazy? and just do laundry?Thank god I did!

While folding clothes,  I started feeling a bit of liquid coming out and I thought it was one of these weird pregnancy things, then a second time, hmmm, the third time there was no mistaking as far as what it was so I grabbed some towels and told myself not to panic. Tried to call Sasha, it wasn?t working, my texting somehow wouldn?t send and I was trying to find my ob?s number on the internet but the internet was down for some reason.

I grabbed a bill and call them but their ?emergency system? was only telling me to call 911. In the meantime Sasha called me, freaked out a bit but was with his friends who had cold heads were able to take care of a lot of the details for him, which was such a blessing. I threw a few things in a bag, somehow managed to put the laundry in the dryer (for some weird reason I was afraid it would be wrinkled!) and someone came to pick me up around 8:30pm and took me to the women's center.

I lost SO much water, they lay me down in a room and I was on my side, looking at my deflated belly with only this tiny bump left in it?Since I was on my side the slope was even more obvious. I felt like cupping her but couldn?t because of the monitors. It was so tough...

They put me on my left side with a heart beat and a contraction monitor and I could hear the baby?s heart going down. You could actually hear the heart beat (not just beeps) in the background so it was very real obvious when it was going down. If I moved only a bit towards the middle or the right, her heart would drop further down, sometimes down to 60 (she was supposed to be at 130 and higher.) So, for the next 12hrs I layed tight on my left without moving and holding on really tightly to two towels trying not to loose the little amniotic fluid that she was producing. I felt so helpless and sad for this little tiny bump that I couldn?t even feel because it was covered with monitors. That was THE real ?low of my day.?

The doc was still hopeful and was saying I might stay that way for a month to try to get her lungs as strong as possible but they put me on steroids to help her with her lungs and she said that having  at least 24hrs of the steroids would be highly preferred.

In the meantime, Sasha was a 5h flight away and with the time difference was unable to find a flight that same day. He took the first flight out and arrived the next day mid day. I think he was totally crushed not only about the 10 week premature birth but to simply know that he wasn?t there with me.

Around midnight I decided to call my mother -who lives in France- and let her know what happened, my parents both started crying and were very upset. My mom was on the first flight out.

Around 7:45am on Sat, I was in a birthing suite talking with someone and the doc comes in pretty hectically in his OR gear and said that Castalia's heart wasn?t doing as well as it should and that we were heading to the OR. I couldn?t believe it. It definitely hadn?t been 24hrs. I immediately called Sasha, couldn?t get a hold of mom so I emailed her from my phone to let her know. I talked to Sasha until the OR?s door until 8am where the madness started. There were probably about 6-8 people running around, hooking me up for things, prepping me for my epidural and at 8:27am she was born?or so I heard. I could feel everything, the pulling the stretching, the pressure but no crying to be heard. I asked where she was and they had taken her to neonatal care already.   Nobody told me until I requested the records but they had to revive her as she was blue and flacid. After a few min a doctor held her on my left for about 5 seconds and took her away, I never got to hold her which brings tears to my eyes just writing it still. She was this tiny little swaddled doll with this cute little hat, it felt so surreal  (2lbs14oz and 15")

The next few hours, I was dosing off in recovery by myself. A few hours later the neonatal doc told me that they were having a hard time passing a feeding tube and thought she had esophageal atresia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esophageal_atresia) and that surgery in a different hospital would be needed (Emory?s children hosp). It?s a malformation that happens randomly in the early stage and since she was not able to recycle her fluid, it kept on growing until my sack couln't take it anymore.

Sasha was on his flight at this time so it was extra rough. They had told me she had been doing exceptionally well so far and could even breathe on her own and frankly the situation was worrisome enough with her being a 10 week preemie. Adding to it wasn?t really what I expected.

So, the transport team showed up around 2pm, brought her in her little ?cocoon?, covered in tubes, I saw her for a few seconds just to say bye and she was gone, all by herself?Sasha came about 30-45min later for a few minutes and then attended to little Castalia.

We were SO lucky that they did the surgery right away as when this happens during the weekend they tend to push it until Mon. She had a big fistula has well so waiting until Mon would have been a real problem.

Not only were we lucky with the surgery but with the surgeon. She called me and was very nice but also her expertise is in this very specific rare condition which happens to 1 child out of 4000. Castalia was in the best hands she could have been.  At the same time, the surgeon was clear as she said that it was a delicate operation on a full term newborn but let alone on a less than 3 lbs baby as her organs don?t stretch as much and are so tiny. It would all depend on the size of the gap.

Sasha was there the whole time of the surgery and the operating team was giving him updates every 45min. I, on the other hand, was kept in the dark  as I was by myself in my hospital room.

I was in my room, by myself, holding on to a picture that the neonatal team gave me. I put in on my heart the entire 3hrs asking her to please hold on and fight. 3hrs without any news is a long time.

It was very hard for Sasha to come back and spend the night here with me as I think we both felt so guilty leaving this less than 1 day old ?by herself? after a massive trauma. This was certainly not the happy bonding birthing experience we had imagined. What a heartache this was?

So, early on Sun, Sasha left to be with her and I kept calling to get updates. He stayed with her and some friends for a few hours, spent lunch with me and went to the airport to pickup my mom. She did not know about the surgery so he had to explain everything to her. She finally got here last night, we talked for a while and then they went to see Castalia. I wish I could have been there with them too but I?m just too weak. I think the doc wanted to be nice and allow me to leave today at 10am but frankly I don?t know if I can. Staying up is a real ordeal and I almost passed out several times. It is difficult enough in a hospital bed/setting so I cannot even imagine in a regular bed let alone getting in a car?but I want to meet her so bad and just look at her and feel like I actually have given birth?It?s such a weird feeling because my uterus is still big (takes about 6 weeks to retracts back to normal) and it contracts sometimes so it feels a bit like a baby?s kick and sometimes, for a quick second I forget I?m not pregnant anymore.In the middle of the night, I woke up with my hands cupping my belly, just like I used to do when I was pregnant. I think it hadn?t totally registered yet?I couldn't wait to feel like I was a mom and to actually know what my daughter looks like, to stroke her head, hold her hand and cradle her in my arms, feed her when that will be possible.

I finally got to see her and hold her after being discharged 4 days later. It was  very intimidating to see her  with all these IV, tubes,  monitors, ect.  Nothing can prepare you for that...The next 2 months at the NICU were hell and such an emotional rollercoaster.  she ended up facing several issues but has been  such a brave  girl and faced them all with such grace and courage. She is now 4.5mo  (2.5 corrected) and doing pretty well. Not the "perfect" little baby I had envisioned but she is MY baby