- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Attachment Parenting
It's not a set of rules.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: It's not a set of rules.
I don't mean attitude as in "I'm better than you" -- attitude meaning the state of mind in which you approach your parenting decisions. For me that means deciding what is best for my family, not just for any one individual in the family.
While I don't know that I'd describe the tone of the board as "I'm more AP than you because..." exactly, I agree with this. One of the reasons I've not posted over here...
About half of the posts that I've opened here, I read "it's not a checklist," but then people seemingly run down some checklist that APing "isn't."
Which is kind of off-putting, because I follow some AP/NL principles, but not all of them... because I still have to make decisions that are good for my family - and not all of them are "AP/NL" decisions.
I threw caution to the wind and started posting anyway. Maybe I can make someone feel like they aren't a complete idiot for choosing something different in a particular context.
I think that might be the same thing that's bothering me -- so many questions about is this AP, is this not AP. I don't believe I can determine that for anyone but myself, and even in that case I don't really care. Many of my parenting choices seem to fit into the general category of AP, and I try to take those ideals into account when making decisions.
I was hoping this board would be more of a resource than a discussion of what is and isn't AP, and perhaps it will still become that.
meh.
the board is new, everybody's feeling it out... the AP people are all in a state because they got the board, the non-AP people are in a bit of a snit because the AP'ers got their own board, those who don't know are coming asking about AP...
it's all in flux... I, for one, am really optimistic that it will calm down in a little bit and become more of a resource than not... like the Breastfeeding board, there's not really a point in coming there and stirring up trouble, and it's a great resource for people who need it.
I am the 99%.
THIS.
When you have people who aren't AP posting just to cause drama it makes people feel like they have to defend their parenting choices. I don't understand why in the world someone who has admitted they love Babywise and use it with their kids would be posting here other then to cause $hit.
IMHO, the name itself is unfortunate lol. When the name "Attachment Parenting" was coined, I don't think they took into consideration that the unspoken flip side of it would be that if you don't follow their suggestions, or find some of the suggestions just plain wrong, that you are now a "Detached" parent lol.
I think what is important for people to remember, who give themselves the AP title, is that the principles do not belong to AP. Those same principles have been around for many years, hence the confusion by some of us as to what exactly constitues Ap'ing.
If its cuddling and spending time with your child, or having a bassinet for a month or so, breastfeeding if possible, and using a baby carrier sometimes, then yes... many people do that.
If you want it to mean breastfeeding until 3yo, 9 hour marathon baby carrier jaunts, no stroller, cloth diapers, little discipline, and having your children sleep with you until middle school... many of us aren't jumping on that wagon.
I have a really good idea of what I will choose to do regarding parenting, and new ideas are always welcome, as long as they are presented in a respectful way.
To be honest, I was turned off by some of the comments made, such as you need to create dependence to make independent kids. Huh? Im sorry, that is just silly conjecture to justify a cause. Although I do not in any way shape or form think that co-sleeping is damaging to kids (except if they sleep in an unsafe place) I also, do not think that it creates independent kids. Rather, what I have witnessed is kids who keep running back to their parents room for many years, to the extent that one parent moves out just to sleep.
in any case, it comes down to whatever works in the end.
This is my point from a post by Hippinksi
"When you have people who aren't AP posting just to cause drama it makes people feel like they have to defend their parenting choices. I don't understand why in the world someone who has admitted they love Babywise and use it with their kids would be posting here other then to cause $hit."
Not accepting every principle laid out by the AP does not make me or any of the others "Not AP" Once again... AP has hijacked the whole concept of everything good about parenting and then wrapped it up in the left fringe of parenting...with the suggestion that we aren't entitled to those qualities unless we somehow convert to the rest of it.
Now a bunch of people come on saying... Oh no.. AP has no rules... blah blah okay...then how did we end up being "Non Apers"?
LOL. Soooo true.
No there aren't "rules" to be AP but I'm pretty darn sure if there were one of the first rules would be the Babywise is NOT AP. Babywise is about putting your kid on your schedule and AP is about responding to your baby's cues. I have been pretty adamant this whole week how AP isn't a check list and how you don't have to do everything to be AP...but there is no way someone is going to be able to convince me that Babywise is in any way AP.
And there have been people who have been coming here to stir up drama. You can try to deny it but it's true.
IMHO, it's very different to say that AP has certain principles, but not necessarily any rules... and to say that AP'ers will be OK with Babywise. They're pretty much at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.
Which is OK... people have their own ways of doing things, and their own beliefs about what's best for their families...
...but don't try to make it out like they're not completely different from each other.
I am the 99%.
Breastfeeding Counselor with Breastfeeding USA
Babywearing Guide ** Newborn Carriers
Cloth Diaper Guide
Safe Bed Sharing Info
Lecturing people about causing drama hippy? Really?
Should have read this first - this is exactly what I think is happening! And I do hope it becomes more of a resource board (like the BF board) where people can go if they have questions about parenting practices that fall in the AP "style" - not some exclusive club you must meet criteria for.
Breastfeeding Counselor with Breastfeeding USA
Babywearing Guide ** Newborn Carriers
Cloth Diaper Guide
Safe Bed Sharing Info
Well perhaps it is because some of the adamant AP'ers only see this as a black and white issue, with babywise being on the right and AP being on the left.
Very few people are either black or white in regard to either side. I certainly see that good things can be drawn from both sets of principles, and that its more important to look at it as a large grey area where people pick and choose those methods that work for each family, and each child.
For example... adamanant AP'ers state that they never let a child CIO, but then in the next post, do show examples that they did that very thing, and that isn't cause for a "gotcha" moment, rather it is a recognition that all rules are meant to be broken. Many say they don't use time-out but then immediately give an example of how they do use time-out but give it a different name.
Perhaps if we spent less time trying to figure out how we differ, and more time on what we have in common, the board could be a lively and fun debate.
Absolutely. Very well said.
If it's not a set of rules, why do people write over and over again that if you let your lo CIO then you aren't practicing AP. It was a very difficult decision for me to let dd CIO, I won't go into all the details here to justify why I did it but it actually turned out to be the right thing for her. I think she was overstimulated by all the wearing, rocking, bouncing and other stuff I was trying to do to soothe her and she just needed to be left alone for a few minutes to fall asleep. Yes, it did involve her crying alone for about 10 minutes, sometimes even 20 but in the long run she became a well rested happy baby. The decision wasn't even about me wanting her to be in her crib and independent it was about her health and well being. But b/c it involved some crying, I get the feeling that I would not be welcome on this board.
Just saying, I think some of the posters on this board have the right intention and some just want to feel like they are superior. Which probably isn't different from any other board on the bump.
I agree. I posted something similar on the 6-12 thread about this last night... but parenting falls along a spectrum, not into categories. I consider myself an APish parent, but I resorted to ferber to solve some unhealthy sleep problems in my son. It's dumb to think that I have been "disqualified" over here, so I decided to post anyway.
This times a million.
I've been lurking over here since it started. I like a lot of the AP principles, I have many AP friends, and I am so totally turned off the idea of AP because of the attitude I continually see in the most vocal practitioners. I imagine it's the same way people feel about natural birth, but in that case I'm on the other side.
I have seen a lot of comments that I presume people think are liberal and generous or supportive, but are actually quite condescending and patronizing. Hey, I've done it too. But it makes me want to steer clear of this board.
The obvious question is why I am still here if I dislike it. I guess I'd have to say entertainment value at this point. The stroller thread was enlightening and amusing, for instance.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
I don't think that it disqualifies you, but you should be aware that it's not part of the general philosophy, and be willing to hear some negatives about it... if you're considering CIO'ing, be ready to hear some alternatives, as well.
IMHO, this board can be a great resource on AP-based stuff ~ babywearing, extended breastfeedng, cosleeping, gentle discipline...
but if it turns into a daily debate on AP'ing, the AP moms will (and should) leave and go elsewhere. We have enough of that in our daily lives.
Plus, there are plenty of other resources on the Nest / Bump for debate and for non-AP discussion...
it's simply not necessary...
It's like going to the BF'ing board for advice about which formula to use. There are plenty of moms there who supplement with formula, but you aren't going to get the best advice, and may well get some snide reactions. Why not just ask on the regular boards?
I am the 99%.
I want to love this board and contribute but I do not have the time to read/respond to all of the anti-AP comments and fighting about what is/isn't AP and how so and so is acting holier than thou, etc. It's too exhausting and so far, has yet to be a resource where I feel comfortable asking questions of like minded parents in hopes of getting responses that I will find useful instead of the more mainstream responses such as CIO, etc.
you need to create dependence to make independent kids.
The above is from Serrill. I think you are referring to me, although that is not at all what I meant.
To clarify, I do think that allowing/accepting developmentally appropriate dependance creates independant kids.
I am not at all saying that innapropriate dependance should be encouraged.
To give an example, I feel that cosleeping/bedsharing with an infant is a developmentally appropriate dependance.
Of course I am willing to hear the negatives - I believe there are many. I think there's just a vibe being sent out that it's all or none with AP. Which obviously isn't the case. And, while it's obvious that FFers won't get the best advice on the BFing board (seeing as how BFers generally know little about FF), it's a fact that APers have done various methods of sleep help for their LOs, including forms that include crying. And, for someone like myself who was really reluctant to do ferber, it would be helpful to chat with other moms who might be reluctant for the same reason.
Why is this board even needed? There already is a parenting board. Why do we feel the need to put a category/label/philosophy on everything ? What ever happened to just parenting the way we see fit?
I think when you over label and categorize, thats when all of the debates begin
When DD had food allergy issues at 4 mos, mainstreamers told me to go to formula because it was easier than changing my diet.
If I vent about DD still nightwaking at 20 mos then I'm told to sleep train.
When I say I turned down an awesome vacation because I don't believe in leaving my young child I'm told I'm crazy, I "deserve" to get away, that it will be "healthy" to separate.
Oh, and the still nursing at DD's age? That gets tons of lovely comments from people who don't agree.
If I say these things in an AP setting, I get vastly different responses from people who are more in line with my parenting philosophies. If I'm looking for support or commiseration then I already know I'm not likely to get it in a mainstream arena. I have to go to my fellow AP'ers, hence the creation of an AP board.