- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
Birth plan (long-ish)
My DH and I started off our morning fighting. He watched the movie "The Business of Being Born" last night (I watched it a long time ago) and is now convinced we need to have a midwife and give birth at home.
That had been my initial plan. However, our insurance does not cover a midwife or a home birth and I just can't see paying out of pocket for something like that. So, I picked out my OB very carefully and I feel comfortable that she will honor our wishes as best she can. During this time, I was talking about all of this with DH and he just kind of went along with what I said.
Now, he has all these opinions on what we should/should not do and I'm frustrated because I feel like I've already done the research and made my decision. His argument is that he is involved in this too and he should have a say in our birth plan. I agree to some extent. But I think I should get the final say.
Not to mention he is being totally unreasonable (like his suggestion that, around EDD, we go stay at a hotel in a town 3 hrs away so we can give birth in a birthing center instead. 
If you've made it through all of this, here's my question: how much is your DH involved in your birth plan?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Birth plan (long-ish)
He is letting me lead the way on everything. I talk to him about why I think I prefer this or that. He's only said that he's going to hate seeing me in pain (with a natural childbirth), but he trusts my judgment.
We haven't seen that movie yet but it's on our Netflix queue. I'm curious how DH will react to it.
M/C found 2/27/13-- D & C 3/6/13
Did you compare your out of pocket cost for a hospital delivery to the cost of a home birth? I'm sure it's different in all areas, but my chiropiractor told me that the cost is about the same. Just a thought to look into.
Personally I have no desire to delivery anywhere but a hospital and plan to have an epidural as soon as I need it.
DH has had zero opinion on how/where I'm giving birth. I thought I wanted a birth center, and he was cool with that. Then I talked to my OB about his birth philosophies and he's very pro-natural so I decided to stick with him and deliver in a hospital. DH is cool with that too.
His whole thing is that since I'm the one doing the work, I get to pick what makes me most comfortable. It's not that he's uninterested, I just think he thinks he doesn't get a say since he's not pushing a cantalope out. Which is basically true.
Ethan Michael - 12/21/09
Norah Jewel - 2/26/14
Good point! However, our out of pocket expenses for the hospital will just be $500 whereas our out of pocket for the midwife would be $1000 (more if we wanted to see an OB and midwife concurrently).
We aren't home birth type of people and I don't think there are birth centers even in NJ, at least I've never heard of one. It cost me $10 to have my daughter by c-section last time, so a hospital is a given. He did have nothing to say about my decision to try for a vbac. He had an opinion, but didn't say it since he is well aware that it's me that goes through the pain or gets strapped to a table and has my insides taken out.
Mom to Teagan 4.11.07 and Cora 9.30.11
D&E @ 22w 9.30.09 CMV infection BFP 10.15.10 C/P 4w4d
I think DH get some say - for instance, if DH were totally opposed to a homebirth, I would feel it incumbent on me to take that into consideration. But when it comes to caregiver and location (as long as you are not diametrically opposed), I think the one who is actually in labor and in pain gets the biggest say.
Your DH is being unreasonable - and I say that as a total midwife loving pregnant woman planning a homebirth.
Tell him to table the discussion for now and do more research. Show him more and have him meet with your OB and discuss his concerns with her. It's easy to get caught up in something like BoBB and rush out, but he needs to slow down.
If it will make him feel better, see if you can meet with a midwife and find out costs - my mw is one of the most expensive in town and her total charge (prenatal care, delivery, post-natal care) is about $4500, and she is willing to negotiate and do payment plans and discounts for cash or advance payments, if someone doesn't have insurance. But it may be too late to get a midwife - many only take a certain number of clients per due month and so that is another consideration.
Finally, his plan to stay in a hotel is utterly ludicrous. You could go into labor anytime over the course of FIVE WEEKS. You can't live in a hotel that long, and you can't know when you will go into labor. Three hours is too far to travel in labor, not to mention that most places want to actually see you as a patient first - which means the remaining appointments would be a 6 hour round trip.
His enthusiasm is great - but try to direct it into good research. Many women have great births in hospitals - the key to it is an OB who works with you and knowing about birth to do your best to avoid interventions. Suggest that you hire a doula to work with you instead of paying OOP for a homebirth.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
Great advice! Thank you.
This whole argument really surprised me because my DH is usually very level-headed and not authoritative by any means. I think BoBB just totally freaked him out.
My OB is great and we are going to have a doula. Unfortunately, the midwife in our area does not have payment plans and everything has to be paid before the baby is born. I agree that it is probably too late to go with her anyway. Besides, I like my OB and have already developed a relationship with her.
My DH had the same reaction to that film. He was all about a home water birth!! I was really surprised but felt good that he cared that much and wanted to be involved in the decision.
We agreed that for our first we were not ready for a home birth and we haven't looked into any birth centers. Currently, we have decided to read and take classes about natural childbirth and he is attending my ob appointments so we can explain to the doctors what we want and ask questions.
We hope with both of us on the same page meaning (no induction,epi, or c-section, unless life/death) that we will have a united front and get the birth experience we want from the hospital.
Depending on how things go we may choose a birthing center or home birth next time. We would also get a doula now if we could afford it.
Maybe you could find some kind of compromise. But he has to understand you can't go into your birthing experience terrified, he is part of it, but you ultimately have to be comfortable as you are the one birthing.
Good luck!!
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d