why can't I get over it?

thefarmchick · August 2009

I am generally a happy go lucky kind of gal but lately everytime someone I know or hear of has a normal delivery I am an emotional mess.

I thought I already mourned the loss of a "normal" delivery AND after only 5 weeks in the NICU we were home and have a healthy, happy, beautiful baby. Why do I feel the need to bawl everytime I see someone with thier pictures holding thier baby in the delivery room? I am SO jealous!

Do any of you still feel like this 3 months later? I love my little guy and am SO happy to have him and to be able to hold and cuddle him. Why can't I let it go?

ijack · August 2009

I still feel like that now and I'm sure I will for a long time. It's completely normal to mourn the experience that we didn't have

goblue · August 2009

I know exactly how you feel. Over a year later and during that time I've been to two baby showers and I'm not sure I can go to anymore. Ever. Too many "what ifs" and "imagine ifs" run through my head. The following article talks about the "ambiguous loss" preemie parents go through. The article doesn't have many tips for dealing with the loss, but it did make me realize that at least what I'm feeling is normal... And that it's okay to not "get over it."

https://www.prematurity.org/baby/ambiguous.html

Max'smom · August 2009

My SIL and I talked about this recently. She has 15 year old triplets and she still feels "robbed" of a normal prenancy/delivery.

I had a hard time for the first year but I wouldn't say it upsets me anymore. Now that I am pregnant again I think about having another preemie but I don't let it stress me out.

Afton3 · August 2009

You know, going through such a traumatic experience, whether the outcome was good or not, affects you greatly. You're robbed of something you dreamed of for years, and you will mourn that for years to come.

My preemie is almost 3, and I lost my first preemie would would have just turned 5, and even though the most difficult suffering is past, my emotions and jealousy still bubble up now and then. I struggled with jealousy, hurt, and anger for quite awhile after losing my first baby, and delivering my second 3 months early was so emotionally similar to me that I mourned my preemie like I mourned my lost baby for over a month. There were a lot of similarities in my experiences.

Anyway, let yourself be emotional for awhile. Expect to be extra sensitive when it comes to births and healthy full-term babies, and the strength of your emotions will subside over time, but it's okay to feel those emotions and the jealousy and even hurt and anger.

I'm so glad that your baby is healthy and growing well, but it will take time for you to heal from the experience that you lost.

Best of luck to you!

*KatieH* · August 2009

Brendan is over 1, the first couple months I glided through, these past couple months have been a_bitch for me though. ?You have been through trauma it's ok to cry and not to be happy. ?Give it some time

?

lstaylor73 · August 2009

I hate to say it but sixteen months later I am still not over it and after having talked / still talking to a therapist I have come to realize I will maybe never get past it but that it is a part of me. And we have realized through my therapy that it has been particularly difficult because we always knew that there were complications and that we'd have preemies and that we'd have to make some scary horrible decisions to get us where we are today. But in the end they are here, they are doing really well, and we are a happy family. It's what I've always wanted. Just hold on to that.

mek10976 · August 2009

DS is almost 8 months and I still get so emotional when I watch all those baby shows on TLC. I don't know why I am still emotional, but now that I am back at work and can't watch those shows, I'm hoping it will fade. It's so hard being a NICU mommy.

sweetpea18 · August 2009

I'm having a hard time with this, as we speak. One of my good friends is in labor right now. She got to have the experience of being sent home because she's not progressing. She's getting to labor at home right now, not attached to every monitor and iv imaginable. I'm insanely jealous that she will be the first person to hold her baby and she won't have to wait 24 hrs to do so.

I don't think that I'll ever get over the fact that I didn't have a normal delivery. Will the hurt fade eventually? I think so. And I'm hoping and praying that the next pregnancy (if there is a next one) will be completely boring and uneventful and that I'll get to have a normal delivery.

jehprb · August 2009

I still feel that way from time to time and my son just turned 3.5 YEARS old. I think it's normal because all the shiny happy things you looked forward too during your pregnancy didn't happen. For example, I didn't get to see my son until he was over 50hours old and my heart aches every time I see pictures of new mamas with their new babies. For me it's not a jealousy thing but rather a "hey, I got screwed" thing - hugs to you mama :hug:

mrst1014 · August 2009

I'm a brand new preemie mom, and it's really hard for me. Not only do I feel robbed about the whole birth experiance, I feel robbed of the whole pregnancy experiance. I had an AWEFUL pregnancy, and was on bedrest from 8 WEEKS. They finally lifted my strict BR 2 weeks before, and I was starting to love being pregnant. Then she popped out!

I hate that I'm scared to hold my DD after the 2 apnea episodes

I'm jelouse of my friends who are pregnant, and can walk around without a care in the world, and I had to be nervous the last 32 weeks.

anyway, with all that said. I thank God every night for my beautiful girl, and I count down the days till she can come home.

Kim-n-Eric · August 2009

I still feel this sometimes and my LO is 6 months. Everytime I drive by the hospital where I delivered it feels like yesterday I was induced and am reminded of sitting in the NICU. I have a lot of my friends who are pregnant and it will be difficult when they deliver. It's upsetting because we plan and dream of what delievery will be like and imagining holding and kissing and snuggling our babies after they are born and all those dreams get crushed when our babies are whisked away.

LULUNJ · August 2009

You have been through a lot. and so has everyone else on the preemie page. I am the same way. I am happy for other people do not get me wrong but when it comes to comparing what we have been through ,,,,you just cannot explain how hard it is to leave your baby somewhere for 5 weeks ( my baby 5 weeks too) and lose that special time. I was so afraid that i would miss that "moment" during pregnancy when having a csection.....i never in a million years thought i would not be able to hold her for 3 weeks. My baby is almost one year and I havent let go. I think it is almost a grieving process...a loss of bonding time and memory time. It is like everything got put on hold and not by your choice. Hang in there.

SuwaneeGirl · August 2009

Well, I guess I'm the exception to the rule here. I was more upset about being in the hospital for a week before I was induced at 32 weeks than having my baby early. Maybe it's gleeful ignorance, but I was never upset with having a preemie and leaving her at the hospital for a month. I was scared, yes, but we had an excellent team taking care of her and there were no major problems. I also had (and still have) an extremely supportive and loving husband and sister who were integral to my hospital stay and adjusting to life as a mom. I still remember how excited I was after just delivering my daughter. I was so psyched up and in awe of my baby. That feeling hasn't left.

I've had a number of friends get pregnant and deliver in the past 15 months, and all I can do is wish them a healthy delivery. I don't feel upset, sad, cheated or anything else. I think it's not very helpful to dwell on things you can't change, and I don't understand the propensity to do so. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth for me.

Kalki · August 2009

I feel that way and we're almost at a year

JessesGirl81 · August 2009

My son is 21 months old was born full term but suffered some pretty serious birth trauma ( brain swelling, the whole nine) and landed in the NICU w/a years worth of follow ups.

He is happy and healthy but at almost TWO years, I am still not "over it" and don't think I ever will be. It's a journey and a process, it gets easier but is always there. Best wishes.?

kim1730 · August 2009

one year later I am still not over it. and reaching the 1 year anniversary of the traumatic events is also really hard, its like I'm reliving it in my head. for some reason, i feel like the only thing that will make me feel better is to have a normal pregnancy and delivery the next time around. but who knows what the chances are of that happening.

loree · August 2009

my girls are 11 months old and i still "mourn". not having a "normal" pregnancy, not being able to hold my babies when they were born, not having my babies at home until 63 days later... I'm not sure that it will ever completely go away. I'm so in love with these little girls and just wish we hadn't had to go through any of that. as they get older though, you do realize that we are the only ones that will ever remember that. they have no memory of the struggle they went through.

take care! we all so blessed!

Want a personalized experience?

why can't I get over it?

Re: why can't I get over it?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards