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Blended Families
Paternity Test?
My H has been diagnosed with severe male infertility. We are both fairly confident that he is in fact the father of his daughter, but we both have discussed the possibility that he isn't. We understand that his infertility could have come on later in life (SD is 7 - conceived in his mid twenties and he is now in his early thirties) and that he could have been fertile back then, but we just can't shake the feeling....
Would you do a paternity test at this point? Or, would you just wait to speak with the urologist that we will be seeing in October (he was diagnosed by the reproductive specialist but has to see a urologist to find out cause, treatment, etc.)
I'm sure most of you will say wait - it makes the most sense - it is just rough...
TTC #1 and Only Since August 2008
DH: Severe Male Factor Infertility (Diagnosed July 2009)
Me: Clean bill of health
2 IVF w/ICSI cycles + 2 FET = 3 BFP = 3 Chemical Pregnancies
FET #2 = BFN
Tired of IVF - Trying for a miracle with IUI
IUI #1 - 1.1 Million Motile = BFN
Surprise Natural BFP on 1/10/12...Praying this is our take home baby
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Paternity Test?
what will he do if he is NOT her father. Just walk out of her life? At this point she knows him as her father . If he plans on staying in her life even if the test proves him not to be the father,why bother?
Well, that's just stupid. I think you guys need to drop this question. SD is his daughter, no matter his past ability to reproduce.
I think the only time this should ever be mentioned again is if some emergency made the knowledge that H might not be bio-dad a medical necessity.
You have no idea what my H is going through right now. To call his fears and concerns "stupid" is extremely ignorant on your part.
Did I say he was preparing for an attack? No! The man just found out that he can't reproduce without assistance. Give us a break! I think it is an innocent question that many in our situation would be asking only two weeks after finding out about his infertility.
You said everything that has been on our hearts and minds for the past two weeks. As SM, I am prepared to continue caring for and raising my SD as if she were my H's biological child. These are all preliminary questions and concerns. I agree that we should wait to see the urologist before we jump to any conclusions.
I don't know what you mean by preparing for an attack, but I'm not ignorant of your circumstances.
BM has intimated that oldest SS might not be J's. Likely it was just to hurt him, but either way, it doesn't matter.
J did have a paternity test done for younger SS when he was born because he already had caught her cheating. At that point, oldest son was 2.5 years old, however, and J wasn't even going to question whether he was "his" or not. Bio or not, he's his son.
Too-much- it is obvious that this is too touchy of a question for you to ask on a public message board right now. You don't really want our opinions- you just want us to validate your opinion.
I 110% believe that no good can come from your husband finding out that he is not the biological father of your child. For the good of your child I would let it go if I were him. She is his daughter and that is all that matters right now.
You might say she would never know but I think we really do under estimate the perceptiveness of a child. Also, think of the emotional ramifacations if she finds out later that you knew for a fact that your husband was not her father and you lied to her about it. Just take it for granted that he is the father and let it be.
I'm not sure why you even asked the question when you didn't want the answers..
I have no problems with the responses. If you read my OP, I myself said that it makes sense to leave it alone for now. I do have a problem with our fears, pain and concerns being called stupid.
I think it's stupid because you are considering jeopardizing the stability and well-being of a girl your DH loves like a daughter. I see no good coming from pursuing the issue further.
The only motivation I can imagine for someone requesting paternity tests at this point would be monetary. Honestly.
It seems like you took that out of context. I can understand you getting defensive but after rereading the post I don't think she was calling your pain and fears stupid. It seems like she was saying that getting a paternity test when nothing was going to change with his daughter stupid.
Exactly. You risk finding out information that could eat away at your relationship and poison you against loving this girl.
But, wondering about it is just as bad. That's why you need to get it out of your head now and forget about it forever. Except in case of medical emergency.
Sorry if this is coming across too harsh. I will try again:
Yes, on one hand, it's a terrible thing that BM might have done.
On the other, it's a gift. If your H truly couldn't have been this girl's father, BM's deception provided him with a daughter he couldn't have gotten any other way. Just accept her and be glad.
So what your saying J&A is that it?s stupid to find out the truth, they would all be much happier with the uncertainty eating away at them??? The doubt is out there so now your DH needs to know the truth; his relationship with his daughter has already been damaged.
BUT this needs to be handled with the best interest of the child at the centre of every decision. Your DH will need some serious counseling if she is not his bio child. You will need to accept that he is 'a father' regardless of DNA. I'm sure your DH wants with all his heart to be the father, how do you feel?
I would talk to this other doctor, you do seem to be jumping the gun a little here. Hope it all works out for this little girl because the bottom will fall out of her little world if she looses her daddy.
My H shares custody with BM and does not pay support. So your assumption is incorrect.
Nope, I'm saying she should just forget it and allow her husband to do the same. My hope would be that his relationship is not already affected and he can go on as things have been, as it appears this is what he wants to do, but then he also thinks he wants the paternity test, too.
I think if they want things to continue just as they are, they need to leave the paternity issue alone.
Otherwise, they also have to face that she is someone else's daughter who might not appreciate her H playing daddy. Then what happens?
At this point I would just leave it be. If he isn't going to walk out of her life if she isn't biologically his, then what's the point? I see know purpose in this.
Maybe I missed it, but other than personal angst...what is the REAL reason he wants to do this?
Wow. Baby brain at it again. Know = no.
I'm losing it.
I agree with your inclination to wait to talk to the urologist before acting on anything at all. In fact, whenever your husband meets with him, I think it might be a good idea to broach the subject and ask for the doctor's input.
In terms of really going forward with the test, it's a tough call. I think that you and your husband should take some time and figure out what taking the test accomplishes.
From what you've said, it sounds as though nothing will change based on the outcome? That then begs the question?why take the test? I certainly understand the need to know, but I guess I'd just fear that it would open up too many potential problems. If your husband ends up not being her biological father, I don't think you can assume SD would never need to know that information.
I think that if it were me, I wouldn't touch it. Yes, there would always be some doubt or some part of me that wanted to know, but I think the risks outweigh the benefits.
You have one now also