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What do you say to a preemie mom

jtbmommyjtbmommy
in Preemies
I was reading the previous posts and while some comments are very insenstive I think people just don't know what to say and are searching for something. I know after my m/cs people say "oh it was nature's way of helping a baby who had something wrong with it"  or something similar. They were trying but it came off really wrong. My nieces were born at 23 weeks last week and I don't really know what to say. We live far away and were there for the birth. I sent an email last night letting sil know I was thinking about her and wondered how she was feeling. What else would be comforting?
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Re: What do you say to a preemie mom

  • TriciaJoyTriciaJoy member

    Mostly just listen. Take an interest, learn some things about preemies. Don't pretend that because X, Y, Z worked with your child that it will work with a preemie. Tell them you'll pray if they're religious, or think good thoughts if they're not.

    Send a card. Leave a message that says "don't feel like you have to call me back, just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you guys."

    Coo over pictures.. recognize that they're going through a hard time.

    All in all, if you dont' know what to say, say that "I have no idea what to say.. this is so hard and I wish I could help."

     

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  • mrs.amandammmrs.amandamm member
    imageTriciaJoy:

    Mostly just listen. Take an interest, learn some things about preemies. Don't pretend that because X, Y, Z worked with your child that it will work with a preemie. Tell them you'll pray if they're religious, or think good thoughts if they're not.

    Send a card. Leave a message that says "don't feel like you have to call me back, just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you guys."

    Coo over pictures.. recognize that they're going through a hard time.

    All in all, if you dont' know what to say, say that "I have no idea what to say.. this is so hard and I wish I could help."

     

    Ditto

     I always try to remember people aren't trying to be calous, and some things just come off wrong.  And a lot of times, people don't know what to say, so they talk to say SOMETHING, and most of the time that SOMETHING is the same thing that everyone else thinks of, and it gets old hearing it over and over and over...

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  • Mrs. DestructoMrs. Destructo member
    Exactly what Tricia said.
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  • mek10976mek10976
    Definitely call or email, which it sounds like you have.  I have some friends who kind of ignored our situation.  I just got a "congrats" and I wish they would have taken more interest in how we were all doing. 
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  • mommamorrismommamorris
    again, ditto. i don't think anyone has said anything that has made me feel better. the best thing to do for support is to just show interest. it really validates me as a mommy and makes me feel loved when they ask about her progress, and want to hold her and visit her. (i think, for me, i just want to feel like a "normal" mommy with a "normal" baby.
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  • Mrs.DMCMrs.DMC

    Ditto to the PP's. Just be a caring ear and let her know you are there for her. Let her vent, cry ect... And simply ask how the babies are doing without asking the famous question of "How long will they be there?" "when can the baby come home?" all that stuff.....

    That is what stressed me out when I was going through that. People kept asking questions that I didn't have answers too. I know they cared and that is why they asked but I got so tired of not knowing the answers myself let alone being able to answer them for someone else.

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  • Afton3Afton3

    Tricia was right on.

    For me, I just really wanted people to know and understand.  It was so hard for people to know what to say.  I liked it best when people told me they didn't know what to say or how to help, but let me know that they were thinking of me.  That alone was comforting.

    Whatever you do, don't ignore the situation entirely because you're afraid of hurting them.  I lost a 21weeker and my very best friend actually acted like it didn't happen, she never once said anything about it for over a month!  It was hurtful to me, but I knew that she just had no idea what to say.  I really wanted to talk about it and most people were afraid to ask me about it.  

    Send cards to congratulate her on certain milestones with her twins.  Learn what you can about preemies and call often to ask about how the babies are doing.  Phone calls are great!

    Thanks for your concern for your family and their preemies.   

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  • ShanaNChrisShanaNChris member

    I agree with Tricia too. For me it was important for me to hear that it was okay to cry about the situation. A lot of people trivialized the fact that she was a preemie and skipped over the fact that I might be a little sad that she was born early, instead of extremely elated like a lot of people made me feel like I should feel. I was happy she was here, but I would have given anything for her to have more time to grow inside of me. I also was sad to miss the end of my pregnancy and do all the things you are "supposed" to get to do before your LO is here, like the nursery, have a shower, etc.

    I just wanted people to listen and understand and not make me feel awful for crying on occasion.

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