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Phantomgirl
member
Q for posters dealing with addicts
Phantomgirl
member
So I guess there are a few posters here who's ex's or partners ex's are drug/alcohol addicted.
Do people really feel that addiction is a choice? As in they 'choose' that life style or choose drugs over their kids.
Personally I don't see addiction as a choice, no one would choose to be an addict in my opinion. While I always agree that the kids are better off away from the addicted parent while they are active I always hold out hope that that person will get the help they need and change their ways.
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Re: Q for posters dealing with addicts
I mainly just lurk over here but feel strongly about this subject.
**** has a drug and alcohol problem and is currently getting help. He chose to do what he wanted to do over choosing his family every single day that he was out there getting high and drinking. He chose to chance losing his wife, his children, his job, his freedom everyday he was using. He finally hit a wall and is getting the help he was forced to get which is good.
My father is a lifelong alcoholic and chooses not to do anything about it.
My Mom & my sister both had drinking problems and chose to change.
At a certain point, you become dependent which most people can't just choose to turn off but you can choose to do something about it.
It is, but there are some users/addicts that know this and will admit that they have a problem but not follow thru in getting the help that they say they know they need or that is being given to them. From my own experience, I've been through being with someone that knows they have a problem, admits they have a problem, says they want help, but doesn't dedicate themselves to getting better. Help is there, it's being given to them, but they choose their problem instead. You have the chemical dependency that you can't choose to just walk away from but you can choose to accept the treatment that can overcome the dependency.
I have a lot of anger on this subject so I may be really unforgiving and not very understanding.
You're completely right. I agree there should be some compassion for the addict, sometimes you wind up so deep in a situation you can't get yourself out and it's so hard you just give up and continue on with the vicious cycle. Being angry doesn't get either the addict or the family anywhere. It's just hard to keep sympathizing and supporting and assisting and caring and giving of yourself when you don't see anything changing.
After years, I've become kind of cold and callous to my situation but it's a situation I chose to stay in and continue on to try to help my ***. There's just a lot of anger and pain for the time lost, money lost, hardships, etc.
(I edited my original reply to remove the relation of one person, kind of embarrassing if anyone I know comes across this post)
I understand and for what it's worth my Fi is an alcoholic. He is 2.5 years sober. We started dating right after he came out of rehab. I was not around for the 'bad' years and instead got a partner who is on a program of recover. He attends regular AA meetings and has just completed 2 years of after care. For me this has been my best relationship to date as he is very open and honest with his feelings and in counseling. Hence the compassion for addict?s stance I was taking.
It was nice conversing with you as I really did learn a lot, thanks for coming out of the shadows to teach me a lesson
Many, many years ago I had to deal with this and this is my take on it.
They have a choice initially whether to engage in addictive behaviors or not. Depending on the drug of choice, they have a time to choose to stop before it becomes a full blown addiction. Once they are enveloped in addiction, there isn't much choice. In most people's cases, they can not stop easily.
What they can do is choose to get help to quit. They can choose to do what it takes. They can choose to make the effort. They can choose to remove themselves from the environment and people that encourage them in that addiction. They can choose to keep trying until they are successful, and they can choose to do whatever it takes not to sink back into that addiction and fight it the rest of their lives.
It's a constant struggle to make the right choices, but it is a choice.
It was nice "meeting" and conversing with you as well. Congratulations to your fiance and with your relationship. Sometimes, people that have been through these rough places and overcome can be the best friends, partners, spouses, etc. There's a lot to be learned through treatment besides how to stay away from drinks and drugs. We're on the road to putting the "bad years" behind us, it's just a looooooong bumpy road and there's a lot for both of us to overcome.
J+K I don't really agree with you that they choose to engage in adictive behaviour, sure if my Fi knew he was an alcoholic he would never have drank in the first place but he learned the hard way that he can not drink alcohol at all.
He was in treatment at 21, thought he had it under control and drank again for his 22nd birthday. He was back in rehab at 29 after 7 of the toughest years of his life. He has so many regreats from those years but he cannot go back and undo what has been done.
Also I know that if he 'slips' and drinks again it could take him another 7 years to get back to where he is now.
There's a point between having some drinks and becoming an addict where you have to look at what you're doing and say, whoah I need to slow down or stop what I'm doing, this is going to a bad place.
I know that I'm a person that is pre-disposed to alcoholism (it's rampant in my family) and it would be dangerous for me to even start drinking, therefore I don't. You can choose to never pick it up, you can choose to stop before it's too late. After becoming an addict, your fiance' can't have a few drinks now then decide to not drink, he just can't drink at all. When he started drinking though, he could have stopped before he became addicted.
Everyone knows that alochol and drugs both have risks to them. Even if it's one drink. Maybe it's not your intention to let it get out of control...but you do choose to start and open that door and to start is to put yourself at risk to addiction. That's why i call it a choice.
It is a choice. BM is fully aware of her prediliction towards drug use. She chose to maintain friendships and connections she swore she had severed. She has lived in four states, each move an attempt by her family to help her stay sober. She has lived cleanly for periods of time, sometimes years. She has attended rehabilitation too many times for me to keep track of, and each time, whether or not she completed the program, she returned to the same friends, same users, same situations.
I agree.
I can also add that my father's entire family suffered from alcoholism. I chose to avoid drinking for many years, and only after living as an adult for long enough to make an informed decision, did I decide to try alcoholic drinks. I don't usually socialize with people who drink to the point of being drunk. My friends aren't heavy drinkers.
However, if I had chose to be a boozer in college (or even high school) or to maintain friendships with people who were heavy drinkers, I might have suffered from the same addiction my family showed predisposition towards.
I chose not to.