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Preemies
what not to say to a preemie mom-list
mrsbarkel2b's post earlier really got me thinking of all the things that had been said to me that were unintentionally hurtful, or dismissive of my situation. it was insightful to see everyone's replies.
what did you hear most often that hurt you or made you feel bad? what did people say to console you that was totally worthless? and, what have people said that was a comfort?( i can't think of anything off the top of my head!)
i get a lot of, "you'll look back at this..." and "isn't it neat to watch her grow, instead of her being in your belly"... and the favorite "it just seems like a long time...." lots of "she's SO tiny!"
i'm going to write a blog post on this topic...i'd love to have your input. hopefully saving some preemie moms somewhere the aggravation of hearing those same annoying catchphrases.
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Re: what not to say to a preemie mom-list
"She doesn't look that small" about my one year old who was only 13lbs,
"Don't worry, maybe she is just small, you're small, I am sure there is nothing wrong" As if I shouldn't be taking her to the doctor to figure out why she had gained ONE pound in 6 months.
I generally don't mind the "she's so tiny" comments, because I know she was. If someone said it in terms of "You must not be taking care of her, she's so tiny" I would be offended. As she got older it was WAY more obnoxious when people would say she wasn't small, when she WAS, as if I was just being paranoid that she wasn't growing, and that it was all completely normal.
Comments about pregnancy:
"If you have a good diet that should ensure you don't get pre-e again" As if I ate nothing but chips and coke the first time
"When it comes to pregnancy, there is nothing more important than ensuring a healthy one" Duh! Thanks for the advice.
While we were still in the NICU, my father-in-law said we should feel lucky that we could spend time with him sooner, rather than have to wait for a whole 9 months to meet him. I still get mad when I think of that.
I also get frustrated with "he's not a preemie anymore!". No, he's not small anymore, but he's always a preemie.
And the worst -- on Christmas, when my son had been in the NICU for over a month (he started at 25 weeks) and was having problems and had just had an IV put into his head (which I had no advance warning about, so I totally freaked out when I saw it) my friend said "what are you worried about? He's 31 weeks now, so he's going to be fine".
Oh! I remembered another... I don't remember who said it, but, something to the effect that I should be hapoy my baby wasn't home because I could sleep whenever I wanted.... uhhhh, no. I still have to get up every 3 hours to pump.
my MIL told me that my bed-rest-ridden, 12-weeks -of-restrictions, 4-bleeding-incidents pregnancy after infertility was SO easy (not just easy, SO easy), that my c-section delivery was easy, and that i was lucky to have Ryan in the NICU because it gave me time to recover and sleep before I had to take care of him. funny thing is, DS only got up once a night at worst, so i was up way less with him than i was when i was pumping every 3 hours!
she told me this not once, not twice, but THREE times. and usually in regards to how difficult SIL had it (SIL never said anything like that - she got pregnant the first month, had a bit of back pain during her 2nd pregnancy, natural delivery, but she did have some reflux issues with both).
yeah, we're fighting her and i.
"Things could always be worse"
"He is doing just fine, he just needs some more strength"
"Enjoy your sleep now, because you won't get any when he comes home!" Yeah, that's exactly what we were concerned about...sleep!
"If he's not eating he's probably just not hungry." Right. Or he's in horrible burning pain from his reflux.
"I really just think if you breastfed him, he'd be fine." Really? Maybe you should be a neonatalogist.
"Although if he were in daycare now, his immune system would get stronger." Thanks for the unsolicited advice.
I really hated "things could always be worse" or the related "just be grateful ______" Umm.. I'm pretty sure I already know things could be worse, and of COURSE I'm grateful he's alive, but you know, seeing him tortured constantly, watching him not breathing, turning blue, having to be bagged, worrying that every little blip is sepsis, having to wait to see if his BRAIN IS BLEEDING, is a little stressful. Please allow me that much.
There were also the "he'll eat if he gets hungry enough" comments when he stopped eating.. Um.. he was admitted to the hospital because he was starving. That's obviously not the case.
And the one that I probabaly heard the most was "He's going to be fine!" First of all, you don't know that, and 2nd of all, it seems dismissive of my worries that he's not fine. Unless you have a crystal ball, please just listen to my fears and be there for me.
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I HATED that!!!! Mostly not due to NICU, but things following.
IVF 1=BFP, beta #1 8dp5dt 24, beta #2 12dp5dt 50, beta #3 14dp5dt 88.9
Weishaars' World
People are dumb....Here is a conversation I had with a girl just last week.....
I didn't know the girl, we just started talking because our babies are 3 days apart from each other. In talking we discovered we were in the same hospital at the same time. She had a vaginal delivery with her full-term daughter and her "pelvic bone seperated" during the birth. I felt bad for her and sympathized and told her I thought that must have been painful.
I then told her about my pre-eclamptic experience/c-section/baby on a vent and in the nicu experience (which was a little sugar coated since I have moved past the experience) and she said...."well, I would take a preemie over a seperated pelvis anyday!" Like she was trying to one-up me!!!!!
REALLY!!!!!!! Selfish biotch!!!!! I just said "well, I dont know about that...it is pretty hard when your body fails your baby and therefore your baby had to struggle to live the first few days. And alot of preemies take several years to recover and never live normal lives." Then I told her "I didn't care what I had to go through, just as long as I have a healthy baby."
I really wanted to punch her in the ovaries right there! She sucked!
OMG!