Did you discuss IF before marriage?

MoFree · August 2009

My DH and I had several sessions of premarital counseling where we discussed many issues and thought we were as prepared for marriage as any couple. What was not discussed was the possibility of IF and how that would affect us. Of course that is one of the issues that is easy to discuss when it's a hypothetical yet no one knows how they will react when they are faced with that situation.

Did you and yoru spouse discuss the issue or possibility of IF, either as part of premarital counseling or among yourselves.

XXXXX222 · August 2009

We didn't, and now we both feel so lucky to be on the same page. We even went through the premarital sessions at our church, but the subject was not discussed there either. Looking back, it was kinda stupid-- I could have guessed with my issues that we would have TTTC. Even my Mom said she figured I'd have problems getting pregnant.

LuckynTigger · August 2009

We did both in premarital counseling and between yourselves. We knew that we were going to have some problems but not as long as this has been going on

kimarino13 · August 2009

Yes, we did. I have always had irregular cycles and knew in my gut that it would be hard to get pregnant when it was time to start trying. I remember looking at my employee guide at work to see what was covered even before we were engaged. I just always had a feeling we'd need help. His opinion was, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it" and it was left at that.

LCB34 · August 2009

We talked about it but not in tons of detail. When we were engaged, we were going over his benefits since I going to be added to his plan. We made sure to get on the PPO since it covered IF treatment. We both sorta of knew that we would deal with something when it came to TTC.

Wouldn't you know our company dropped all IF coverage 6 months before my surgery that discovered my endo and started our IF journey? Gosh I have horrible luck.

Ruby_Tuesday · August 2009

Kind of. We didn't really consider all of this time in limbo. We looked at it in a black and white manner. We thought if we can't have children on our own then we will adopt. We never considered the rollercoaster of emotions and years of ttc and multiple losses and how we would determine when we would stop ttc and move on to adoption.

beadgirl2 · August 2009

We also had to do premarital counseling but that wasn't a topic that was discussed though the topic of "how many kids do you want" came up in the sex talk. It kinda makes me angry that wasn't a part of it all. I really didn't even think about it being an issue. ah, to be in that ignorant bliss again! I do consider myself lucky though in that we both agree to do what it takes and DH is pretty understanding about the emotions as well.

JackieMac824 · August 2009

Nope - never in a million years did I think we would have trouble getting pregnant. I told everyone and I mean everyone that we were going to start trying as soon as we got married (which we did) and I thought I would be pregnant in no time. If I only knew.

Dragonfly1226 · August 2009

No, we never did. We did discuss the fact that we both wanted to have more than two children. I'm not sure if that will still be an option. When we first started to realize that infertility might be an issue for us, we weren't on the same page. I was ready for treatments before dh. It took him a few months to get used to the idea of starting IF treatments, and he didn't have any problems on his end to deal with. We argued about the treatments too. Since we are unexplained, dh felt like he wanted to try on our own for a little while longer. In the end, the RE recommended starting IUIs in the summer since I am a teacher and don't have to worry about work right now. DH agreed with the doctor and after that we were able to talk about our plan and get on the same page. It turns out that dh needed my support more than I realized. He was having a hard time dealing with IF, and when we finally started talking instead of arguing I felt so bad that I didn't support him the way I should have. Now we are able to be there for each other. I wish you the best of luck. (((((hugs)))))

MrsWood1228 · August 2009

Yes. DH caught leishmaniasis in Iraq and was flewn back to Walter Reed Hospital for treatment. The only treatment for this disease/parasite is not FDA approved. So he had spiked super high fevers (which alone can affect sperm) plus he underwent chemo and radiation for treatment. He was told at the time that the treatment could make him sterile. They said his sperm may return after some time or they may not. They weren't sure.

So... it was certainly something I considered before we got married. I just decided that I wasn't going to let it stop me from marrying the man I want and this man wanted children - even if he didn't have sperm - so we decided together that no matter what happened... we'd find a way to be parents one day. We got married and three months later, before TTC, I had him take a SA.... my head just wanted to know what I'd be dealing with when we did start TTC.

He has millions, and millions, and millions of sperm. Lucky us! It's me that's the problem. Confused Which I kinda already knew. I hadn't been regular with AF since the beginning of HS. Little by little, we're working it out.

orthomom · August 2009

We never discussed it. I married at 26 and DH was 29. I just finished med school and we were planning on having a family later. We did conceive my daughter in only 2 months of trying when I was 32. We did start talking about problems with the second child later when two things came up..one was my 33 yo best friend m/c 3 times before finally having her baby last year.The other was when my family members were diagnosed with a genetic condition that carries a 12% mortality in childbirth. Thankfully I tested negative for that condition. It did make us talk about adoption and other things. I am glad that he and I are on the same page and I can sympathize with those that are not, because before trying to have the second child we argued a bit about the timing. Now it seems we waited too long. TTC#2 since 2/08

hillaree · August 2009

Yes, in a way. Like many other pp we did in our premarital counseling briefly and on our own. It was more in the context of "how many kids do you want to have?," and we said "3-4. If we can't have kids we'll adopt."

Looking back I realize we had NO IDEA what it meant that people "can't have kids." Not many of us are diagnosed with a "you'll never have a child" diagnosis, so we feel like we're in this grey area that I think is more of what infertility is. How far to we go trying? How much $$ do we spend? How long? But I also think we wouldn't have been able to answer those questions at that time, even if we had tried. It seems like something most couples have to process and decide as they walk through IF...

yarnymommy · August 2009

We did. We actually had long discussions about it. DH has an endocrine problem that affects fertility (zero sperm count without medicine, and we didn't know if medicine would fix the problem for sure). We said that we would exhaust all options for having a biological child that is both mine AND his before moving on to donor sperm or adoption... Fortunately we were able to get his sperm via surgery, and we are still working on the IVF route with my eggs and his sperm. I guess in a way we were "lucky" to know earlier on that we would have problems up front and discuss the fully. I would imagine when you have no idea that there is a problem and you have tried for a while without knowing it would be much more frustrating. For us, we were on the same page before we were even engaged....

fallbride110406 · August 2009

We didn't discuss IF outright, but we discussed kids extensively. Basically, living without children was not an option was our decision and we've stuck to that. We want at least one child, regardless of how it comes to be (IVF, DS, DE, adoption, etc.)

igh0318 · August 2009

Nope, we had no clue it would be an issue.

juliannat · August 2009

Yes. We are not religious so did not have any required counselling or anything, but we were together 4+ yrs before marriage and discussed everything under the sun, at least to some degree. Of course we never thought we would have TTTC but then again we don't expect one of us to get terminally ill and/or die young, but we had that discussion too.

I think it's important to know where your partner stands on all the major life events - not saying that you can prepare for every possible scenario...plus sometimes your feelings about certain things can change over time, but even at the first appt with the RE 2 1/2 yrs ago, I felt that we were on the same page because of those discussions years ago.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this right now...

perry7285 · August 2009

we did, because i always knew i would have fertility problems. the first conversation about it went badly, to say the least . . . i asked him if he would break up with me if it turned out that i couldn't have kids and he said "i don't know". OUCH. fortunately it turned out that he had just been caught off guard by the question and later reassured me a million times that nothing could change his desire to be with me.

i think hypotheticals are hard for some people--i'm a planner so i'm used to thinking about everything hypothetically, but i think my husband is very uncomfortable with "what would you do if . . . ?" questions.

Nerwak · August 2009

We did. But not because of counseling, but because I thought it may be hard for me to get pg. I've always had irregular cycles and so I brought it up to him when we got serious. We decided to take it as it comes and make decisions when we got to that point and not to worry about it beforehand. We've both been on the same page for this stuff.

AletheaP · August 2009

We did because we've been together for a very long time and I've always had irregular periods and terrible cramps. Plus, I had a m/c about 7.5 months before our wedding.

We agreed that we would skip birth control and when it happened, it happened. If we got to the point in our lives where we were really itching for it and ready and still nothing, then we would go see a specialist.

And, here we are. DH is 33 and I'm 29, we've been married for 5+ years, we're financially stable, have travelled a lot and we want to be parents. So, we started seeing an RE a few months ago.

I think because we were ready for it that it's been easier for us to deal with.

susanc07 · August 2009

I knew I had PCOS, and I let MH know. He knew it would be hard - I don't think he realized how hard, or that he would be part of the problem.

Bradbride · August 2009

Nope, sure didn't.

MrsCmx · August 2009

We did because we knew DH would have fertility issues. We had no clue that I would as well. I don't think we really knew or expected us to come this far to have a baby. We knew it would involve IVF, but not so many without results.

2006july15bride · August 2009

We were together for 6 years before we married and I thought we discussed everything. We even discussed what would happen if our marriage ever failed. But IF? Nope. We discussed how long we would wait before TTC and we discussed a life without children if we decided we didn't want any, but never because we couldn't have any. He did ask if my dr. ever mentioned how fertile I was during my annuals...I told him that fertility is something dr.s don't concern themselves with unless a couple is having a problem conceiving. That was the extent of it.

Babsie7 · August 2009

Not really. I had a friend that had gone through IVF before we got married and I told my husband of the difficulties they had. But my DH was under the impression that I would get pg the first time we tried. I am the youngest of 12 children and none of my sisters had any difficulties getting pg, so we both were thinking it would be easy. Now, three years later, we are talking much more seriously about IF.

jlcrane78 · August 2009

No, we didn't, but I am going to encourage our children to discuss it with their future spouses. Like many others, we discussed HOW MANY children we would have. Neither one of us anticipated any problems TTC. I assumed I would be one of those fertiles that got PG within a month or two of trying. Oh, to be that blissfully ignorant again...

flutterby918 · August 2009

We never did. Strangely. I have endo, have known for awhile now, but it never came up. When we started TTC I had an idea I might have trouble, but honestly all we ever talked about was how many and potential names. Kinda sad to think about how naive we were.

gringa78 · August 2009

We said we wanted 3 kids and would maybe adopt just because we wanted to...it never occurred to us that we might be adopting because we could not have biological children. I was even stupid enough to try and plan my due date around work stuff - hahahaha.

I had always suspected I had hormonal imbalances due to my cystic acne and hair growth. But since my periods were always regular, no gyn ever showed any concern. I even went to a PCOS specialist at a university and he didn't even do an u/s on me...just told me if I had regular periods I was fine.

I was diagnosed a year after we were married. And here we are.

ladychicago · August 2009

I know this has been so hard for you... (((HUGS))) and thanks for your e-mail, I promise to write back soon (I'm between RE appointments right now).

As to your question... we didn't talk about IF specifically, but we did talk about adoption. We both felt strongly about adoption and said it would be something we'd seriously consider regardless of whether or not we had trouble conceiving on our own. So in that way, we did talk about it, but we didn't talk about proceedures, what we'd be open to, etc. None of that come up until we were faced with IF treatments and those decisions. and this was just between us, no counseling or anything like that.

alwyzbsy · August 2009

No, not really. I was very naive.

Jlynn3 · August 2009

JackieMac824:
Nope - never in a million years did I think we would have trouble getting pregnant. I told everyone and I mean everyone that we were going to start trying as soon as we got married (which we did) and I thought I would be pregnant in no time. If I only knew.

This exactly!!! Kicking myself now for opening my mouth about trying right away!

hopecounts · August 2009

Since I knew my diagnosis (POF) we discussed it a good bit before we even got engaged certainly before we married. It still took us awhile to get on the same page. DH wanted to adopt and I wanted to try DE and then adopt. After some conversations we settled on my way b/c he realized how important it was to me.

EMO748 · August 2009

No I was very naive! I too never thought I'd have trouble getting pregnant. My periods always seemed regular before I started taking BCP 8 years ago. Thank god DH is being very supportive!

pubgirl1976 · August 2009

Nope. We were undecided about having kids when we got married. We spent a lot of time deciding if we wanted kids or not and once we decided 'yes' I thought that was it. It never occured to ne that we would be in a position where we wanted kids, but couldn't...

jnennapooh@aol.com · August 2009

Yes we talked about it alot since had been trying for so long and nothing. We finally decided to get married. We both did not want to get married but after trying for 3 1/2 years we decided to get Married. Oct will be our one year anniversary. So we are still trying but family has put more pressure on us. After I explain the problem I get a look and then they move on or sa how sorry they are.

sliz · August 2009

no - I never had any indication of issues until a year after we were married - there was never any idea to think I wouldn't get pg and be able to carry easily....

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