Getting past this ...

FutureMrsDenman · August 2009

I love this board. The women here are so full of information, advice, and support. We're diverse, but we're brought together by a similarly terrifying and trying time that surrounded a point in our lives that we expected to be joyous, happy, and full of incredible memories and images that we had been painting in our heads for weeks and months.

We all have diffrent backgrounds and belief systems, and that can cause different points of view. On THIS board of all boards, I have always found that we appreciate that everyone has a different POV and we accept that and more on ... we don't tend to dwell on it or take it personally. We don't usually have time for that like Mom's on some of the other boards. Preemie Mom's have different priorities.

I fully understand why people have taken offense to what 2bewed posted. But I feel like we as a board really do need to get past this and more forward --- somehow. I would hate for THIS board to start looking and feeling like some of the other Bump boards. 2bewed has been there for plenty of Moms who have joined our ranks .. at all gestational ages ... in the past. I don't know her and have no specific connection to her other than reading her posts from time to time. But I think that she has a different definition of miracle that she works with than others ... and this is based on her personal belief system. She just needed to remember that everyone might be looking at this from a different perspective than her own. I myself am not religious at all and don't think in terms of miracles. That just isn't me. I am a scientist (PhD in Ecology, Evolution and Animal Behavior) and tend to look at our babies' survival and success as it relates to advances in modern medicine and the resiliance of babies. I would never tell anyone NOT to consider their baby a miracle if that is what their belief system tells them.

I hope that we can move to a place where we do make sure that everyone feels welcome and that they feel that they can share their point of view with the group without letting this gt any farther than it has ... I just fear we are teetering on the verge of personal attack and I don't wan tto see us go there.

I hope noone takes any offense to this. I don't mean any.

Aidge · August 2009

No offense taken at all, and I will say it again- I truly try not to take anyone's comments personally (IRL and on the boards) because people only know their own situation, and who am I to judge them based on their own experiences, you know? I can't possibly expect them to understand something they themselves never went through. I would expect the same of someone else in my comments to them, if this makes sense.

preemieparent · August 2009

FutureMrsDenman - I absolutely agree. I wasn't online much of yesterday so I didn't see the thread until this am.

And so without further ado, I present to everyone - The Facts

1) ANY baby who is born before 37 weeks gestation is a preemie. I don't care if your kid was born at 36 weeks, weighed 10 lbs and walked out of the hospital himself - still a preemie.

2) ANY stay in the NICU is difficult - no matter if it lasted hours, days, weeks, months, or years. Your stay may have been longer or your baby may have had more complications but that doesn't take away from another family's experience. It doesn't need to be a contest (and I say this as someone who usually "wins" the contest when she really wishes she didn't).

3) Just because a preemie was born above a particular gestational age or weight doesn't guarantee that they will be problem free. Or vice versa. I know many preemies whose issues span from almost nothing to serious problems and the age/weights do not match up on a predictable curve.

4) We are all here because we are trying to do the best job we can for our kiddos. And because we want to try and help and support others who are going on this same journey.

5) I like and respect all of you and I hope we can continue this amazing community of support. Together.

lstaylor73 · August 2009

Thank you ladies, all well said. I wasn't online most of yesterday or today but am just now catching up on the latest. This board has been a so important to me that I have pivoted much of the last two years of my life around using the support here to keep me afloat. I agree completely, everyone has their own belief system, and it's what each of you need to get through your personal situations, and w all need to respect that. But like you and PreemieParent said, we all need to stick to the facts too. A NICU stay of an hour makes you a much welcome member to this board. We need each other, in all our different ways to complete this important support system. Lets not let it make a hole in that safety net.

KellyMichelle · August 2009

I agree. I think each person's situation has its own challenges no matter what gestational age. I remember when DS was in the NICU and I would see the mom's of later gestational age preemies I would always feel so bad for them. I knew that DS would be in the NICU and that I couldn't possibly meet his needs, but those moms who had 35-37 weekers had such a hard time because they thought their baby would get to go home with them.

*KatieH* · August 2009

It is unfortunate what was said, but I am sure 2bwed didn't mean it that way. And I am sure she is busy right now with her new full term baby so she can't clarify,at least that is what I am hoping. Every baby is a miracle. ?The term preemie is thrown around a lot on here, thebump, and I think it is bothering some people. ?

RRHsMom · August 2009

I agree and that is why I tried in my post to say that I look to 2bwed as inspiration for all of us who want to try again to have a healthy baby the next time around. Being newly pg right now, I am really trying to focus on those women on here who have gone on to have healthy full termers. I am sure that what was said was not meant in the way many of us took it. That is always the problem with typing your thoughts, like in email or on a board, it can be taken the wrong way. Thanks preemie parent for the facts and Kelly, thanks for saying what you did about the close to termers who had no clue. That is definitely where I come from and where many of my emotions still get caught up. I tried to end my previous post by saying just this... We are all connected by the things we missed at our child's birth bc they were not with us, but instead went to the nicu and many of us still have issues, big or small, that we deal with daily. Thanks for always being there for each other. Like we always tell new moms, you are an amazing group of women!

AviatorJJ · August 2009

it would be a "miracle" if we could all get along. heehee i just had to say that lol

*KatieH* · August 2009

AviatorJJ:
it would be a "miracle" if we could all get along. heehee i just had to say that lol

indeed it would be a miracle for a bunch of women to get along lol ?

SWMcFarland · August 2009

I'm just catching up on everything and want to reiterate a few things others have said. This is an amazing group of girls and I am grateful to be a part of this bunch. I haven't been around forever, but I don't think 2BEWED's comments were meant how they sounded. As a mom of a later term preemie, I am certain she was not trying to trivialize our experiences! She was extremely supportive when I came over when I knew I was going to be induced early!

That said, I wanted to thank KellyMichelle for her comments as well. What an interesting thought about seeing later term moms and the emotions that go along with that!

I was watching a birth show on Discovery this morning and there were several preemies born ranging from 25-35 weeks that all had their own ups and downs. My heart was literally breaking and I was crying while feeding my beautiful little girl her bowl of oatmeal. I am just grateful to have her, as I know we all are with our precious little ones.

I hope we can get past all of this. I love this board because we are not brought down by the petty, snarky comments and can be positive and supportive. We all have enough to deal with on a daily basis.

Ok, you can call me puppies and rainbows this morning! That show on Discovery really threw me out of whack!! :-)

dmblack · August 2009

I'm just checking in to see what's going on and I'm very confused. I'm not sure what post is being talked about. Can someone clue me in?

SBMBride406 · August 2009

dmblack:

I'm just checking in to see what's going on and I'm very confused. I'm not sure what post is being talked about. Can someone clue me in?

I had to search for it too - it's re: the post below "10 Days Early Is Not A Preemie."

Honestly, I'm not sure what to say about all of this, and I'm really surprised that 2BeWed said what she did, since she is very helpful and supportive of everyone. I definately don't want this board to turn into a pissing contest about who's baby is sicker or more premature than the others...this isn't a board about micropreemies, and if it was called "NICU Mamas/Developmental Delays" that would probably include the majority of the concerns we see on this board.

I think of my baby as a miracle...he and I would not be alive today without massive medical intervention. But, I thought he was a miracle when I found out I was pregnant...long before I knew what was to come.

Everyone who feels like they belong here is welcome and encouraged to post.

I love everyone, ok (except that witch who posted about DNRs based on GA)!! Left Hug Right Hug

gymrat · August 2009

I just want to say I also love this board and missed the drama.

We should not debate what each of us consider miracles. HeII I consider people even being able to get pregnant a miracle. We could sit around all night and discuss that but that's not what this board is about.

It's here for support and understanding. It's here so that moms (& dads) can come here and know that the rest of us "get it."

dmblack · August 2009

Thanks for filling me in. I guess I missed that post. Keep in mind that 2BWED just had a baby. I chalk part of that post up to post-pg hormones. Really we don't know the context of that post and what brought the whole "miracle" thing on.

We all have one thing in common --- all of our little ones have spent time in the NICU. This alone creates a bond for us. My feeling is that any mother who has to leave their baby in the hospital for hours or days belongs here. Let's please not create "drama" on this board. I stopped viewing other boards because of this very reason. Just my 2 cents.

mrsolsenk12 · August 2009

dmblack:

We all have one thing in common --- all of our little ones have spent time in the NICU. This alone creates a bond for us. My feeling is that any mother who has to leave their baby in the hospital for hours or days belongs here. Let's please not create "drama" on this board. I stopped viewing other boards because of this very reason. Just my 2 cents.

This is part of the reason I don't really post here. My DS didn't spend one minute in the NICU and he went home with me. I think those of us with Late-term preemies kind of fall in no mans land. My DS is slightly behind in developmental milestones, but not as far as a lot of preemies. However, if I compare him to other 3 month olds, he doesn't fit their either. I just dont' know where I belong or where I am welcome......

mrsolsenk12 · August 2009

dmblack:

We all have one thing in common --- all of our little ones have spent time in the NICU. This alone creates a bond for us. My feeling is that any mother who has to leave their baby in the hospital for hours or days belongs here. Let's please not create "drama" on this board. I stopped viewing other boards because of this very reason. Just my 2 cents.

This is part of the reason I don't really post here. My DS didn't spend one minute in the NICU and he went home with me. I think those of us with Late-term preemies kind of fall in no mans land. My DS is slightly behind in developmental milestones, but not as far as a lot of preemies. However, if I compare him to other 3 month olds, he doesn't fit their either. I just dont' know where I belong or where I am welcome......

Aidge · August 2009

mrsolsenk12:
dmblack:

We all have one thing in common --- all of our little ones have spent time in the NICU. This alone creates a bond for us. My feeling is that any mother who has to leave their baby in the hospital for hours or days belongs here. Let's please not create "drama" on this board. I stopped viewing other boards because of this very reason. Just my 2 cents.
This is part of the reason I don't really post here. My DS didn't spend one minute in the NICU and he went home with me. I think those of us with Late-term preemies kind of fall in no mans land. My DS is slightly behind in developmental milestones, but not as far as a lot of preemies. However, if I compare him to other 3 month olds, he doesn't fit their either. I just dont' know where I belong or where I am welcome......

I'm sorry you feel you don't belong here, b/c you do! Whether you had a 36 weeker or a 42 weeker who spent time in the NICU, we all share similar experiences and can understand the emotions that go along with a NICU stay and/or having a baby prior to 37 weeks. I hope the board continues to be as supportive and open as it has this past year that I have been on it.

duchess0727 · August 2009

I think this is just one of those things where everyone's point of view is a little different. My daughter was born at 36 weeks, 3 days and I thought she might be ready to come home but she was far from it. She was tiny (probably just genetic) but they thought she had IUGR and possibly a severe chromosomal disorder so they induced me. She was not ready to come out and had a lot of problems breathing and her lung collapsed. She spent 3 weeks in the NICU because of it and so while I would love to not call my 36 weeker a preemie, I feel like I have to in order to explain why she is tiny and had so many issues. I would never put myself in the same discussion as a parent of a 23 or 24 weeker or even a 33 weeker, but every baby is different. And I think that every baby is a miracle so you can all call your babies 'miracle babies'!

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