Im just soo tired of this tttc/adoption process...pls no flames

so1966 · July 2009

I don't mean to be a debbie downer, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't express my feelings.

I am having a hard time still at times. There are days when I?m ok and days when I?m not. I haven?t seen most of my friends, as they literally all have kids. They know about my struggles and some know about my adoption?.through my reference that is. That?s another story. Anyway, I?m just so tired of my lonely life. All I do is hang out with my immediate family and nieces. On occasion, I hang out with work friends. Only one of them knows about my adoption?another reference there. I feel like I?ve missed out on my lifetime friendships. I feel like I have failed. I feel like people are always going to judge me as the barren woman. I cannot go to church or hang out at festivals cuz it?s just too painful. I feel like my life has been on hold forever. I?m married five years and soon to be 43 years old. Uggh. Every holiday, birthday, mother?s day and father?s day is just too painful and a sign of time slipping by...

Please don?t tell me that I?m not a failure, (especially if you?ve had a bio child) because I have failed to have a bio child and experience pregnancy and will never experience that journey. After so much time and effort, I just feel haunted at times. I had soooo many embryos that just didn?t survive, but no one cares about dead embryos. . I spent so much time, energy and money for years and nothing. I never recd anything from my friends to show their sympathy. Thank God my dh and family bought me flowers, though, to show their love.

Don?t get me wrong, I am excited about adoption and the wonderful aspects of it... and I cetainly don't miss the drs appts. u/s, b/w and doctors bills!!!!!.... I?m just so tired of waiting to move forward with my life and we just started the adoption process in March. I?m tired of cleaning my empty house. I?m tired of the deafening silence. I?m tired of being the sibling expected to help out my parents because I don?t have kids. I?m tired of having to take care of my in-laws dog every summer cuz I don?t have kids.

I just know I will be treated differently once I succeed and have a baby. I?m sure my inlaws will stick around for the grandchild and ditch their vacations. I?m sure people will want to visit. I?m sure people will be buying gifts and finally treating me like I?m someone special.

I think a lot of this is my self-esteem. I guess it's something I need to work on.

Thanks for listening.

GLynn2009 · July 2009

My DH can feel your pain since he can not have children and in his 40's. He was married twice before me and both times was told that not beening able to have a child was OK but then they left for that reason.

I have two bio kids and he tought that was all he would every have but now adoption is going to allow him to be a daddy.

Find someone to talk to that will not judge you...DH received consulating which has now opened up adoption for us even after DH indicated that he did not want kids if they were not bio. A opprotunity presented it's self and now we are waiting on a visa for our DD to come home.

CaptainSerious · July 2009

It does sound like you could use someone to talk to. From your post, it seems as if you have attributed all the less than desirable aspects of your life to the fact that you still aren't a parent. That's likely to magnify your efforts in this to the point of it becoming all-consuming. I think it might help to sort out some of these feelings and focus on things (aside from TTC or adoption) that you can do to try to make things a little easier while you figure out what the best path to parenthood is for you.

I also just wanted to say one more thing: failing at something does not make a person a failure. It is through failing that we learn, and most highly successful people have histories of failed endeavors. As long as you don't give up in life, you will never be a failure.

silliestbunny · July 2009

I am sorry you are feeling down....and the expectations that are placed on you because you don't have children aren't fair.

pepomntpat · July 2009

I'm sorry you are feeling down. It sounds like you really could use some good counseling to help you sort through your feelings. They do a world of good. {{hugs}}

jacksjerseygirl · July 2009

pepomntpat:
I'm sorry you are feeling down. It sounds like you really could use some good counseling to help you sort through your feelings. They do a world of good. {{hugs}}

Ditto this. I also realize just typing all of your feelings out like that can be helpful too. I hope you felt a bit better after getting out some of the "steam".

I worry that if you think that everything in your current daily life will change or be different or people will be different towards you just because you have a child ... that you might be disappointed when your child does come home to you and it doesn't fill some of the voids in your life.

I can tell you that having DS through adoption was the most amazing thing but if there are other unhappy issues in your life before a child, having a child will not fix them.

It is possible that people will be just as unsympathetic about your new life now as a parent (because becoming a parent is not all puppy dogs and rainbows), that people will still be inconsiderate and ask you to do things that you won't have time for because you are a parent, that people might not bring you lots of gifts, visit and well wish - some people are just not like that, children or no children, etc ...

I feel where you are coming from but be cautioned that things in your life may not change how you think they will just because you have a child - some of those issues will still be there just with a new spin :-) When life doesn't change how you think it will when children come along it can cause a really big emotional break down - I've seen it happen and to be frank, I even had unrealistic expectations of how people would treat us or act once DS came home.

We had a great counselor before DS came long - I highly recommend seeing one. Good luck to you! I'll be thinking of you.

-Stephanie- · July 2009

This is such a great place to be able to express your feelings. You'll get lots of virtual hugs and support!

I agree with PPs that you would (just like many of us have) benefit greatly from counseling.

We're here to cheer you on (and up when needed)!

CaptainSerious · July 2009

I wanted to add that my heart goes out to you. I might not have struggled with IF, but I do know what it's like to feel like you're stuck and can't seem to add to your family. I wish you the best as you strive for better days.

so1966 · July 2009

Thanks, ladies, for your thoughtful responses. I guess I really struggle with self-esteem in not achieving my goals yet and also with the little recognition of loss associated with IF. I am blessed with great family and friends, but at the same time I feel as if I'm pressured to feel better about the journey because I plan to adopt now. Somehow, people see it as a solution to the problem. Well as my SW said, the pain never completely goes away. I know I will find some happiness again and great joy in being a mom, i guess I just never imagined it would have been accompanied by so much loss and pain in the process to get there....

pinkwedding05 · July 2009

i had some similar feelings. i was only 22 when i had my first m/c and 24 for my first ivf. it seemed like i had all the time in the world and my re's office kept saying how well i would respond since i am so young. our first ivf was a complete failure. i responded horribly too meds, eggs wouldn't fertilize, and most of our embryos died. the 2nd seemed like it would be better, but 25 of the 28 embies were chromosomally abnormal and we got a bfn. at 24 my eggs were complete crap. i felt like such a failure and like less of woman. i was done trying for a bio child and decided to try embryo donation. we were successful and the proof of my miracle is in my siggie.

i was a bit concerned about how i would feel when i looked at her for the first time. biology wasn't that important to me, but it is a very surreal feeling to carry a child that doesn't share your dna. i took one look at my dark haired, brown eyed baby and tears poured down from blue eyes and all over my fair skin. this child is mine and my insecurities and inadequacies concerning my ability to reproduce are gone.

i used to think that a child could cure all of my pain and problems, and while i feel like they are much more bearable, they are still there. i think you would feel much better if you could talk to someone outside of the situation. hugs.

MayDayGirl · July 2009

Oh sweety. I have nothing really to offer you. I am so sorry you feel so sad, I don't blame you one bit. I wish I could offer you something. Anything.

Want some pics taken of your DH and you for your profile?! I can offer you that Big Smile I'll do it for free, seriously email me if you want them! rachel32004@Msn.com

This ttc/adoption stuff is insane. I will never understand why some people have all the luck, while others... well.... don't.

I wish you nothing but the best, and I cannot WAIT for that day when you have YOUR baby in your siggy.

so1966 · July 2009

Thanks, Rachel. That's a very sweet offer. We've been done with our profile for quite some time now.

I will surely keep you in mind for when I do have my baby. Perhaps then I can use your services for my 'family of three' photos and of course, pay you for your services.

Your little one is just precious. I hope all works out for your with your foster child. Hope you're liking Chicago, too... I know it's a least warmer than Minn.

indigo91804 · August 2009

I just wanted to say that I have had those similar feeling about being adopted. I have often wanted to just not be adopted just for one day. People have viewed it as ungrateful since I was given such a wonderful life. People think have told me that is was just the best thing that could have ever happen to me. It was a journey to get through but I did. It sneaks up sometimes but I think the thing that kept it in perspective for me is that most people don't get the fact that there is this "parallel life" that you live. The "what if" life. I hope you find peace. No part of adoption is easy. It takes a really strong person to be part of the triad...even if we sometimes really don't wan to be.

Big (((HUG)))

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Im just soo tired of this tttc/adoption process...pls no flames

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