Misunderstood

pretty.amazing.grace · July 2009

I feel like no one understands how I feel. I feel like my husband just expects me to forget about it and be positive. And my SIL keeps saying things like it's important to stay positive and have a hobby/outlet for stress. I feel like people are judging the fact that I am emotional. I mean, there is still a dead baby inside of me. I wake up every day to the sad reality that this pregnancy will not result in the child I want so badly. It's making me angry how other people feel like they know what I need to do. Like they know better. I feel like people think I'm handling this "wrong." On the way home from dinner tonight, she suggested I not stress so much. She said she asked her mom (my MIL - who is great, I will add) if stress can cause complications in pregnancy. She was basically trying to find out if I somehow caused this to happen. I did flip out one night while pregnant...I was driving home to IL from WI in the middle of the night and we ran out of gas. I was hormonal and tired and I did freak out and act like a big baby. And now I'm being made to feel like that somehow caused this. I just don't know what to do or how to handle this right now. Sorry for rambling...I just needed to vent to someone who can relate. Thanks for reading.

Mrs.EmmaLouise · July 2009

1. You did NOT cause this.

2. If you are handeling it at all, then you are handeling it fine. You dont have to mourn silently. Do what you need to do for you.

3. ((BIG HUGS))

grr_aargh · July 2009

Does it help hearing that no, they don't understand how you feel, and they won't. And you did NOT do anything to cause this.

And I'm sorry. The waiting is so very hard.

zxifnswdjdfn · July 2009

Mrs.EmmaLouise:

1. You did NOT cause this.

2. If you are handeling it at all, then you are handeling it fine. You dont have to mourn silently. Do what you need to do for you.

3. ((BIG HUGS))

Well said!

vkbaby09 · July 2009

Please, please don't think you did anything to cause your loss! You did nothing. Everybody handles things differently. Like pp said if you're handling it at all you're doing a great job. Do what you need to do. We understand. (((((hugs)))))

kate1011 · July 2009

You did absolutely nothing to cause the loss. I'm sorry that your support system isn't better than it is, this is when you need it most. I hope that the support gets better for you, I just think that sometimes people don't know how to react so they react poorly.

You'll be in my thoughts.

heathergirl67 · July 2009

If every expectant mother who threw a hormonal fit lost their babies then no one would ever be born again. I don't think people realize that we need the same time and understanding as someone who has lost a child who has already been born. Just because you didn't see it doesn't make it any less real. Direct them to this board to read how all of these ladies are feeling. It might open their eyes. Unless, of course, you don't want to sacrifice your freedom of speech.

lax15bsu · July 2009

You did NOT cause your m/c! Like pp said, if stress and/or hormonal outbursts caused a m/c, then there'd be no babies at all. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your feelings. Your family really doesn't know what you're really going through, so don't let them continue like that.

I'm so sorry for all the stress placed on you... I'm praying for you.

someflower6 · July 2009

my dear pretty.amazing.grace-- i'm so sorry that you have to go through the horrible experience of losing a pregnancy. it is AWFUL. it is an experience that someone who has never been through could never understand. i had no idea how tragic a loss could be until i had one. this is why this board is so important to me-- because i needed to hear (read) other women say it too. i needed to have other women understand what i was going through. i will never forget what that experience was like, and i will never fail to empathize with all my heart with any women who have to go through this.

with that said, i am also sorry you have to deal with the "side effects" of a pregnancy loss-- DEALING WITH OTHER PEOPLE. this in and of itself is an incredibly sucky experience. there are some people who ignore the loss and never acknowledge it. there are people who claim that it's "not a REAL" baby, and so it's not a real loss, and so it's not a big deal. there are people that "pity" you and feel "oh so bad" for you, but their sympathy is so superficial, it makes you want to puke. and there are people who feel the need to "figure it out"-- to justify your loss, and give you a reason for why it happened.

all these things suck to deal with. these reactions are hurtful, offensive, frustrating, and more (so much more!). on one hand, you think how could someone SAY this or act this way, it's so insensitive-- but at the same time, you know it's because they're clueless. they aren't trying to hurt you, they think they're helping you. and that makes it worse.

i remember every sucky moment of not only the loss, but the aftermath. i could tell you stories about what people said to me and how i reacted. but this post is not about me, it's about you. i'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. no one can change that, it's just something that you're going to have to work through. but you will work through it, and despite being surrounded by people who don't understand you-- we do. there's so many women who have been through what you're going through. i hope you know that we're here, and we'll support you in any way we can, even if that's just by reading your posts and giving you ridiculously long replies (*cough cough* someflower6 *cough cough*).

pabeare · July 2009

You did not cause this to happen. I totally agree with all the other posters. The waiting is the hardest. My DH and I decided that we were gonna wait it out and see if my body would do naturally for a few reasons(I was really nervous about surgery and I wanted it to happen naturally). I found out the baby had stopped growing on March 23. We had to wait a week to make sure and to get another u/s. Unfornately the baby was not growing and no h/b. We waited for 4 weeks with minor spotting and heavy cramping but nothing. Those 4 weeks were the hardest bc people at my work suspected and were asking and it was very difficult to keep a straight face and not just break down. I was also starting to look pregnant which didnt help. Do not feel like you are alone in this. Many of us have been there and felt the same feelings you have. Thats whats soo great about this board- even if your new- everyone seems very nice and welcoming. They all have been there and understand your feelings. It really sucks to have to go through this but we have a great group of women to help us along. Smile

KAG30 · July 2009

You in no way caused this to happen, don't listen to anyone who tells you other wise!!! No matter how hard you try to stay positive sometimes it just is not possible. If you are sad or angry or cry it is OK it is actually better for you then trying to hold those emotions in. I flipped out and acted like a big baby many many many times when I was pregnant I think all pregnant people do.

EMZimm08 · July 2009

There is nothing that you did that caused your miscarriage. My mom said it best - Some babies are meant to be born, and others are meant to be with God as our angels watching over us. There is no right way to react to a miscarriage... allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. And avoid those that don't understand, or make you feel badly about what you are feeling. Seek out those people that can give you the support you need. This is a great place to do that... I'm sorry you have to go through this... we are all here for you. Take care of yourself.

Kel&Jay · July 2009

heathergirl67:
If every expectant mother who threw a hormonal fit lost their babies then no one would ever be born again. I don't think people realize that we need the same time and understanding as someone who has lost a child who has already been born. Just because you didn't see it doesn't make it any less real. Direct them to this

This exactly!

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with people that just don't unerstand. The sad reality is that unless you've been here, you can't understand. I just wish people would try a little harder...

LMichelleG · July 2009

Can I just say "ditto" to what everyone else said?? You are not crazy and you did not cause this. I am soooo sorry you are dealing with all of this. Big Hugs!!

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