Ex rant - sorry it's long — The Bump
Pregnant after 35

Ex rant - sorry it's long

I will try to make this as short as I can.  My ex husband and I divorced 4 years ago.  He was a jerk, emotionally & verbally abusive and the only good thing that came from that marriage were my 2 boys.  After the divorce the boys wanted to live with me and see him on weekends.  He kept trying to talk them into living there and at 1 point 2 years ago they were going but he changed his mind.  He was newly married and just found his wife was pg and didn't think it would be good for them to live FT with them.  Whatever.  A year ago DH was offered a job over 700 miles away from our hometown.  WE, inlcuding my boys, talked it over and decided to make the move.  He was mad and tried to sue for custody then dropped the case because the boys wanted to move.  We hadn't been here 2 months and he was already talking to them about moving back with him.  That happened in June of this year.  I didn't want it, but my boys convinced me that's what they wanted to do.  Well he needed to get them registered for school in NC.  He expected me to provide him with their shot records.  I did.  Then he let me know last week that he needed their report cards.  I told him I would send them.  As I began to look I found that I didn't have them.  We are in the process of moving so I'm sure they got thrown away.  He told me I was irresponsible and that he would handle getting them like he's handled everything else.  I told him that I took care of those boys their entire lives and it wasn't my reponsibility to register them for school there and that he needed to own up to it and get it done instead of blaming me because it wasn't done. 

It stresses me out.  He knows I'm pg.  He knows I've had 2 mc.  He told me that I just need to worry about "my" family.  He wanted the boys.  I didn't want them to move.  There is a lot that goes with that and I'm not here to make his life better.  I worry that he is telling my boys that because I'm having another baby they aren't as important to me.  I can hear him saying it. 

Sorry so long!  It stresses me out though.  Then I get scared that the stress will hurt the baby.

Do I just need to suck it up and do everything he asks me to do? 

Thanks for listening. 

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Re: Ex rant - sorry it's long

  • Shannon- I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I have two stepdaughters so I know how difficult it is to have a split family. My thoughts are with you. Hopefully things will get easier over time.
  • image JenniferTCU:
    Shannon- I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I have two stepdaughters so I know how difficult it is to have a split family. My thoughts are with you. Hopefully things will get easier over time.

    Thanks so much Jennifer.  I'm just ready for my ex to move past the point of still being bitter.  It would make it so much better for everyone. 

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  • Whoa....  Number one - how old are the boys?  Are they old enough to decide where they want to live?  How is your communication with them?  Make sure that you talk to them constantly and tell them how much you miss them and love them. 

    As far as your ex is concerned, he is still trying to control you.  Stand your ground with him.

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  • image fauxshelley:

    Whoa....  Number one - how old are the boys?  Are they old enough to decide where they want to live?  How is your communication with them?  Make sure that you talk to them constantly and tell them how much you miss them and love them. 

    As far as your ex is concerned, he is still trying to control you.  Stand your ground with him.

    They are 13 & 9, almost 14 & 10, so yeah I think they are at the age to choose for themselves.  Unfortunately communication with them since they moved has dwindled.  I know it's because he doesn't put the emphasis on it, like we did when they lived with us.  We always made sure they talked with him almost every night.  He doesn't do the same.  A lot of times I call and have to leave messages, many of which don't get returned.  It breaks my heart.  I definitely do tell them though, how much I love and miss them whenever I talk with them. 

    I do believe you are right about the controlling part.  I appreciate what you said.  I was standing my ground with him last night and just hoping it was the right thing to do. 

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  • Is it in your budget to get the boys a cell phone so you can talk to them without going through your ex?  Maybe add them to your plan?  That would open up the lines of communcation somewhat.
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  • My oldest actually has his own phone so I don't have to call my ex to talk with them. 

    We had him on our plan before they moved.  He is terrible with phones though and has gone through I think 5 within a year and a half.  We decided it would be too hard to try and keep up with that from so far away. 

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  • Oh Shannon, that sucks. Do whatever will make things less stressful for you? If that means giving in when you would normally fight, that is OK right now. But you are their parent every bit as much as he is and those boys know that you aren't replacing them.

     DH's ex has been making a lot of comments about how she just knows that DH will forget about DSS when the new baby is here. In front of DSS, no less. It's crap.

  • image lebraly:

    Oh Shannon, that sucks. Do whatever will make things less stressful for you? If that means giving in when you would normally fight, that is OK right now. But you are their parent every bit as much as he is and those boys know that you aren't replacing them.

     DH's ex has been making a lot of comments about how she just knows that DH will forget about DSS when the new baby is here. In front of DSS, no less. It's crap.

    Thanks Laura.  I don't understand how some parents can be that way.  UGH!   

     

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  • I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I have step children but thankfully they are all grown but DH's ex still likes to create drama and stress for everyone so I understand.

    I am sure the boys know in their heart that you love them and are thinking about them all the time, its just all new there so they are distracted and he is not helping the situation. I hope it gets better. Is there any third party involvement such as the court or a therapist? If so I would talk to them about your concerns so that they are aware.

    Hugs to you, take care of yourself and little one too.

     

  • image ml0904:

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I have step children but thankfully they are all grown but DH's ex still likes to create drama and stress for everyone so I understand.

    I am sure the boys know in their heart that you love them and are thinking about them all the time, its just all new there so they are distracted and he is not helping the situation. I hope it gets better. Is there any third party involvement such as the court or a therapist? If so I would talk to them about your concerns so that they are aware.

    Hugs to you, take care of yourself and little one too.

     

    Thanks so much!  No real 3rd party involved.  I will just reassuring them when we talk!

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  • Argh, I am so sorry you're going through this!  It sounds like your ex has enough issues to merit springing for the full subscription.  You have my sympathies...
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  • image Peppernut:
    Argh, I am so sorry you're going through this!  It sounds like your ex has enough issues to merit springing for the full subscription.  You have my sympathies...

    Thanks so much.  Issues out the ying yang! :)

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  • I say this as a divorce lawyer: He's a big boy and a parent so he has just as much right to call the school/doctor/whatever to get the kids information. You shouldn't have to run around to do it. He should have this info anyway if he had been keeping up with what they were doing all along.

    Take care of yourself!

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