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Working Moms
Biting at Daycare--Last Straw? What Would You Do?
My 14-month-old daughter has been bit 4 times in the past 3 months. (And scratched once as well.) I understand that babies bite as a way to vent frustration. But when is enough enough?
Yesterday I arrived to pick her up. She had just been bitten, and the worker was preparing to create an incident report. My problem is that after the first biting incident, we were promised that to prevent this from happening in the future, they were going to make sure that two staff people were in the room when one was busy attending to a child (such as changing a diaper). Because of state law, they will not tell me who bit my daughter or even if it was the same child. But I know they know, and would keep them separated. I do not think that is happening, either.
I am waiting for a call back from the director. I saw her in person yesterday and told her that I expected an update this morning on the situation once she had an opportunity to interview the worker.
I am wondering if repeated bites is something you just have to put up with in a daycare situation. I totally understand that next week, it could possibly be my daughter biting everyone. I guess I just don't know what is a good outcome in this situation. Advice?
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Re: Biting at Daycare--Last Straw? What Would You Do?
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
Honestly, biting happens. It sucks when it's your kid getting bit (I know), and it sucks when it's your kid doing the biting (I know).
All that they can do - short of throwing out a kid that bites at the first offense - is to watch the kids closer and maybe shadow the biter for a few days (this is what my daycare does). But even then - things happen, and while they're shadowing the kid who bit yesterday another kid will bite today. All it takes is two seconds for a bite to happen, so even if there are 10 teachers in the room they might not be able to get to the kid to prevent it from happening.
Ask them what they're doing to prevent your DD from being bit. If it sounds reasonable to you, I'd just wait and see how it goes......realizing that short of putting your DD in a cage off to one side of the room by herself, she'll continue interacting with the other kids and there's always the possibility that she'll get bit or scratched.
My daycare makes reports - even when it's my daughter biting her brother. Both my kids have gotten bitten more than 4 times each. Every time someone bits or gets bitten, the parent is notified.
In my opinion stuff like this happens and my kids each have been the biters and the bitees. There was never broken skin - it's part of the toddler stage? I know for a fact that my daycare (they have 2 teachers for about 10 kids) are very careful but every now and then this happens.
4 times in 3 months doesn't seem like a crazy amount to me. Even if they're watching closely, it's hard to catch the bite before it happens.
One of my coworkers' kids was asked to leave daycare for 30 days because he was biting all the time, and biting one or two kids in particular. They had a bad dynamic and thought the time away would help. He came back after 30 days and still bit, so they pretty much expelled him.
DS hasn't been bit yet and, as far as I know, hasn't bit. This is a miracle because he bites me and DH all the time. I think he's teething again.
I vote not the last straw.
I know it's very frustrating, but the daycare is doing everything they can to prevent your child from being bitten. Also, I'm sure they're talking to the family(ies) of the biter(s) and working with them too. DS was bitten fairly regularly for awhile (usually by the same child - they didn't/couldn't tell us who it was, but we figured it out - and then by some other children copying the biter). It sucked, but we trusted they were doing everything they could. Thankfully, it eventually stopped.
Hang in there!
I have worked in and around preschools for five years and this is BS. The teacher or caregiver in the room should know who the biter is and be able to anticipate biting episodes. Frustration, anger and a lack of verbal communication skills are some of the reasons kids bite. They could also be a very oral child. Regardless the staff should have some sort of intervention plan for the biter, i.e. whenever the child is asked to share they bite so anytime the child is sharing a staff member should be in the vicinity ready to give them the words they need "If you don't want to share say no thank you" or whatever. Continued biting episodes are bad for both the children being bit and for the biter.
My child was the biter in his class for about 1.5 months and it was HELL for me. He was also bitten a few times. Let me just say that being the parent of the biter is so much worse. My ds would bite someone in his class at least once a week for a while and every day I'd have major anxiety driving to pick him up because I was scared of getting an accident report about his biting someone. It was AWFUL. So please think about the other parent in this situation. I later learned from talking to other mom's in ds's class that about half of their kids also went through a biting phase -- so apparently it is pretty common. Like you said, next week your dd could be the class biter. And 4 times in 3 months isn't bad at all.
That being said, biting is a normal part of toddler development. Hopefully the school is working both with the biter and the bitee to teach them how to better handle frustrations and the like so the biting will stop. You, too, can talk with your child about what to do when it looks like someone is going to her. DS's teachers taught the kids in ds's class to yell "No" when my ds (or any other child in the class) tried to bite them and that startled him enough to stop the biting action.
The really tough thing is that your dd could be a hitter or a kicker, but for some reason biting is the thing that gets the bad rep and you don't usually get an incident report if your kid kicks someone.
My DD was a biter when she was between 12 and 18 months. It was bad, really bad--by 18 months it was almost every day and I could have wallpapered a room with the incident reports. I was everything mentioned above--embarrassed, mortified, frustrated, etc. because she was never doing it at home--just at school.
Fortunately I had a center director who was very willing to work with us on this behavior and they shadowed her and figured out when/why she was doing it. We changed one thing and it stopped instantly--she never bit again.
My point is, it happens, and it isn't easy for anyone. My only advice to you is to try to remember that there is another family involved, and work closely with your director. After 4 years as a daycare mom, I have found that it is much more effective to approach staff looking to find a solution together, than to make demands and insist on things. Believe me, I have tried both.
I had a good discussion with the director this morning. She agreed that the teacher in the class was not paying enough attention to the children, and would no longer be in the class. She also mentioned the teachers, on the whole, had gotten complacent since there had been no bites in a while.
I also asked if my daughter was doing anything to provoke the bites. I was told that since she's not submissive, she won't give up toys when another child wants them, which has led to the bites. I asked what the teachers do in that situation--if they notice a dispute over a toy--and she said they will model good sharing behavior and intervene. She agreed that they need to be more attentive to the situation.
I have empathy for the parents of biters--I really do. I would hate to be in that situation.
We shall see how the current plan goes...
This is assuming it's always the same kid. What if it's not?
Many daycares only write an incident report for the child that was hurt, not one for the child that did the biting/hiting, etc. So, it is possible that your child is engaging in just as much behavior or even provoking the biter, but this isn't being communicated to you. Many times, the behavior is considered so normal or infrequent, that it isn't worth mentioning to the parent of the child that did the biting or hiting, especially at 14 mos. It's not like you can go home hours later and talk to your child about their behavior at that age, they'll have no idea what you're talking about.
We've never had to deal with biting at daycare. Our issue, rather, was that outside on the playground, the 2 yr olds (class that SD is in) and the 7 yr olds were often out together, but on different playgrounds. One 7 yr old little boy decided he wanted to continuously sneak away from his class to the 2 yr olds and harrass my SD. He ended up throwing a rock at her and hitting her in the head.
She loves tattle-telling on people, so when she came home that day, she told my FI all about it. He started teaching her to stand up for herself and tell the teacher also (which I thought was rather funny, seeing as she was only 2).
The next day, we received a phone call saying we needed to come pick her up early because she beat the 7 yr old boy up when he pushed her down the next day.
At first, of course, we were furious that something like a child sneaking to a younger playground and harrassing the toddlers could go unnoticed. But now we just laugh about it. We know SD can take care of herself without initiating the problems herself.
Oh my!!! That made me chuckle.
I too have a problem with mixing such disparate age ranges!
I've verified that yes, the biter's parents do also receive notification that their child bit at my daycare. So far, I have not seen or heard about this so I am sure that my girl isn't doing any biting. (Yet!)
If my daycare didn't log biters and victims, I would change daycares! I'm just not comfortable with that arrangement.