These are probably bad signs....(lots of rambling)

AuburnBride06 · July 2009

All I want to do is go home and play Sims 2. How bad is that???? Ever since July 19 that's all I have wanted to do. It took my mind off (somewhat) from everything that happened. When I played, I didn't see the bloodbath in my head over and over. When I play, I dont cry. Both DH and I are addicted to Sims 2 right now. Right now, we only have it on one of our laptops. So we share. I feel so bad when I ask DH for it back!! Thats all I want to do. I wish i could bring it to work and play. And whats odd is that my little family has a cute little girl toddler. WHY I enjoy it I have no idea.

I feel weird today. Sad. Depressed. Annoyed. Exhausted. Out of it. Blah. A little of everything. I feel so bad/guilty because DH is very stressed right now (mostly work) and he has been getting a lot of headaches and yesterday he told me he got dizzy. When he got home he was in a grumpy mood, his head hurt and I took offense to it. I dont know....when I'm at work, I'm not happy. I'm lonely, bored and irritated. I get home, can't wait to see DH, and for some reason if he isn't in a good mood, it ruins mine and I fly off the handle. I was so mean to him and he was just tired. He told me to cut back on how often I black berry message him during the day (which hurt my feelings) and I flipped out. It really bothered me. So, I'm not going to be messaging or calling him. I'm crying right now just writing that because it is one of the things that gets me through the day. Looking back, I wish I would have just pampered him and layed on the couch with him but I acted like a total lunatic. Hitting the kitchen counter with my hands & just acting ridiculous.

And then this morning, I was in the shower, DH came in to say good bye and I said, "hey baby can you hand me another shampoo bottle, this ones empty". And he said, " Jesus I dont have time for this sh!t". I guess he was running late. It infuriated me & I guess really hurt my feelings. I didnt say anything to him, but I started breathing fast & hard, I felt a lot of rage. Like I could hit someone. it was like I left my mind for a few minutes. Then I started crying. And cried most of the morning. And crying now at my desk. Geez.

Please no juding/flaming, but in December, after our third loss, DH stepped out on our marriage. It was very rough & our marriage almost ended. He was in a very dark place & was very depressed. He said he felt like he lost his mind and that he needed to laugh again. I had become detatched, angry & bitter after all we had lost. I know that it's not my fault & that he is the one to blame, that none of it justifies his actions, but I still have such a hard time, because I know if I hadn't lost our babies none of it would have ever happened. I told him that I was scared it would happen again after our triplets left us, and he said, no never. But I cant help but be terrified because he is stressed & I obvisouly can't handle someone pi$$ing me off.

I'm angry because when we are pregnant, and think that we may actually have the family we have been dreaming about, we are so happy. We handle the stresses in our life so much better. Why the fcuk cant things just go right for us? We probably need to start seeing a counselor. or something. I dont know. Theres just not the $$ for it right now. Life sucks.

This is just a bunch of crap that I cant get out of my head. No point. I really hope that all of you are having a better day than me today. I look like sh!t and I know it. Black circles under my eyes, the works. And I dont even care.

ladychicago · July 2009

there aren't words.... you've been through too much. far too much. (((HUGS)))

MDBeachbride · July 2009

((hugs)) some days it really helps to cry. Just get it out.

ttc2 · July 2009

I am so so sorry. For absolutly everything that you have been through. My heart aches for you and your husband. Obviously you are both hurting so much right now, which is understandable.

I don't know how religious you are, but my church offers couseling for free. Well, they ask for a donation, but they don't push it and frankly if you don't have it, I don't think they care. They want to help. I would suggest looking into that? Again, just a suggestion.

I wish you both peace. I think that's what you need right now and I am so so sorry for all of this.

lovemymonkey · July 2009

oh sweetie, I'm on the verge of tears reading this. You've had such a rough, rough road. I don't blame you for feeling all these things, you've just been through so much. no flames or judging whatsoever here. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

I wish I could say something to help you, but I don't know what to say. I wish I could just give you a big hug IRL.

I think counseling would be so beneficial to you and your DH. Does your employer or DH's employer have an Employee Assistance Program? Most offer some free counseling, at least the first few sessions. And then hopefully you can connect with a counselor that can work with you in terms of payment.

I wish I could be more helpful.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. ((((((Hugs))))))

MrsP71506 · July 2009

I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. It has been a tough couple of weeks. Feel free to vent and talk through any problems here. Remember we are all here to listen and support you. (((((hugs)))))

krissyh21 · July 2009

oh sweetheart, my heart breaks for you. Both of you have been through so much, it is not fair.

Maybe you two can find time to go away, even if it is just an hour away from your house to get away from every day life and create a "sim vacation" for the 2 of you? Maybe for even just a weekend?

And yes, counseling is a wonderful idea. Have you looked into your insurance or at your HR to see if there are any programs available. Maybe there is even a m/c support group you could find in your area?

I think about you often and wish you no more heartache, you have had enough for a million life times (((hugs)))

jhleap · July 2009

Sweetie,

This is all awful. My honest opinion is that you two need to see a therapist. IF and losing a baby are hard to deal with, but stepping out on a marriage or having terrible rage at each other is not the answer. You need to learn new methods of communicating through your fear, anger, guilt and stress. And you can't do it alone. He has to be willing to be a part of it.

When I lost my baby (m/c) my husband went out with his friends. He thought since my mom was with me he could blow off some steam. That was unaccceptable behavior and it took a therapist to tell him before he got it.

I know therapy is expensive (we pay $125 for an hour) - and we email the therapist a list of talking points before the session to reduce small talk time. But in the long run, a few sessions may be all you need to gain the tools necessary to get back on a positive communication track.

You may want to see if there is access to low cost therapist in your area. I am happy to look at our database at work and PM you, if you would like.

- julie

hopecounts · July 2009

There are no words... just try to be kind to eachother and patient. Don't be too hard on yourself.

((hugs))

firegirlkorb1 · July 2009

((((Lot's of hugs))) I hope your day gets better!

mel72 · July 2009

Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry for all that you have been through and are going through. Ditto others, I might also suggest counseling. We tried it and it helped a lot to understand what the other was feeling and the different ways that we deal w/ things. The therapist was really great in that it wasn't a weekly thing, I went as needed and it really helped me. My RE nurse had recommended it to me after I told her DH and I were so disconnected. You have been through so much and you are so incredibly strong and talking to someone objective may be just what you need. I wish you the best of luck.

Anasara · July 2009

I'm so sorry for all you've been through; I cannot even begin to imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you've been experiencing. You & DH might benefit from counseling & a nice vacation, even if it's just a weekend away. You're in my prayers.

((hugs))

wiscgirl95 · July 2009

hopecounts:

There are no words... just try to be kind to eachother and patient. Don't be too hard on yourself.

((hugs))

Ditto. I'm so so sorry for everything you both have been through.

LuvBugKel · July 2009

Oh sweetie I wish more than anything I was in the same town as you so I could come over and give you that big hug & good cry you so need right now. I can't even begin to imagine the pain both of you are going through. Please know we are always here for you. (((HUGS)))

JackieMac824 · July 2009

I am so very sorry - all you have been through - no one should ever have to go through all of that. I hope your husband starts to come around. (((HUGS)))

pubgirl1976 · July 2009

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Romeo&Denise · July 2009

I'm sooo sorry you have having such a rough week. You've been through so much and please know that you are truly such a strong woman, and do NOT ever blame yourself IF is such a sh*tty thing to have to deal with and we all know that it puts an extra damper on a relationship no matter how strong it can be.

Counseling might help your DH to see how he's behaving. Do you have an EAP (employee assistance program) at work? A lot of these programs offer some number of sessions for free and a reduction in costs thereafter. You really need that support from DH going through all that you have, and of course we are all here to help you through it too.

I hope your week gets better and take some time to let it all out, sometimes that truly helps in itself too. ***HUGS***

Aliki · July 2009

What hard times you've gone through, both you and your DH. Nobody can understand and process what it's like to have an m/c unless you've actually had one yourself, so please, take the time to process it and heal from it all.

IF is a very painful journey and it tests many marriages. The anger, the sadness, the confusion, the rage, the denial, the depression... these are all outward emotions of IF and what it does to us, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I do think you and your DH need to talk to somebody about all of this. There are many options out there. Not to get too personal, but when my DH and I hit a rough spot in our marriage a few years ago, it finally got so bad (the crying, the manic raging, the throwing of dinner plates!) that we finally sought help. If you are religious, most churches offer free therapy and group counselling. We did a program called Retrovaille-- it cost us some money but it started us on the path to healing. We also started seeing a marriage therapist--- dont worry about the $$ too much, because I was just a student at the time and I explained it to the therapist, saying i couldn't afford her services, and she said the most important thing was that we seek help for the pain we were going through... and she only charged us $60 for a 1 hour session, once a week. It saved our marriage.

Good luck. And PM if you want to talk.

Kiki11 · July 2009

(((huge hugs))) I am so sorry. I wish there were some magic way to make all of this disappear for you. I wish that I could see into the future and tell you that somehow everything works out. But all I really can do is tell you that I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. (((hugs)))

Dragonfly1226 · July 2009

Oh honey... I am so, so sorry. You and your dh have been through so much. It's not fair. I would be angry and bitter too. Sometimes feelings get all jumbled up and grief comes out as anger etc. I wish there was something i could say, but I know there are no words. (((((HUGEHUGS)))))

hopkintonbride · July 2009

I'm so sorry that you're going thru this. I agree with everyone else about the counseling, after everything you've been thru I don't think this is something you and DH can work thru by yourselves. There has to be so many emotions and stages of grief that you both are experiencing right now with no outlet but each other. I wish you the best and hope that you realize just how strong you've been thru all of this, but I think now is the time to let someone help you. Good Luck ((HUGS))

jeannaqueena · July 2009

I can hear your hurt behind your words. Life is so incredibly unfair sometimes. It is really good that you are processing these feelings and getting them out there is one step closer to healing. I've been thinking about you and worried about you.

If anyone tries to flame you right now, there is a huge group of us that will knock them down for you.

Echloe · July 2009

AB I'm so sorry for what this is doing to you and your husband. Let me tell you from personal experience that what you both are feeling is normal and probably necessary for you to survive the trauma you've been through. You withdraw to Sims. I withdrew to crappy reality tv. I've been seeing a counselor now since I lost my daughter and the only reason I go is because our insurance pays for it. Otherwise it would be way to expensive. I pay $25 a session instead of $125. I'm sure your insurance will cover this. It might help. But it might not.

You could also consider a support group. My hospital had one and it was 100% free. It was really helpful to DH, I just quit because it really bummed me out to hear all the dead baby stories. But I know it worked for him and others in the group. It might help your husband to talk to other men who understand. He doesn't have the bump or an outlet. Men never do. The support group may really help with his mood. And it could help you too.

I haven't been through multiple losses like you but I do understand a little bit of what you are feeling. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to email me (echloeechloe@gmail.com).

Hugs,

Betsy

Kittycat196 · July 2009

I am sorry for your losses. I think you really really need to go to counseling. I know where I am there is a group called catholic charities that gave counseling on a sliding scale based on your income. There are also other counselors that will give you a break on the price if you do not have insurance. I think you should cut back on some other expense(lunch out? video games? movies? ect) and make it a priority to go to counseling. Even use a credit card if you have to. It sounds like your sanity and your marraige really needs help and if you find the right counselor it can really help.

Good Luck.

MBandBud · July 2009

First of all ((hugs)). I am wondering how you are reading the replies, wondering if you were just wanting support and an ear or if you do want advice. I do encourage you, when you are ready, to listen to the advice posted, because, really, there is some awesome advice here. Amazing to me all that is known, understood and shared and I do hope it helps you. I know for right now you might just want to be heard, but hopefully you will be able to embrace some things to help you. You deserve it. Lots of thoughts and prayers to you. Hang in and hold onto hope.

AuburnBride06 · July 2009

Thank you so much ladies. I wanted to respond sooner but I have been dealing with BS at work. it's so heartwarming to see everyone who cares. yes, I think all of you are right. We should see someone. DH and I spoke earlier, briefly, and we both think it would help us. When we lost our twins, the father of one of our best friends (who just so happened to be the pastor at church) offered to talk with us. He counsels people on everything, even marriage. So we think we are going to try and set up some meetings with him. His son and his son's wife are our best friends & they have grieved right a long with us this whole time. I also checked online and there is a catholic church in our town that has a support group for miscarriage, stillborn & infant loss parents. You don't have to be catholic and it looks like it could help a lot. Especially in meeting people in our town who have gone through the same thing. All our friends had babies without problems.

Everyone's advice & thoughts means a lot. I just need to remember that we can, should & need to grieve. I need to work on not blaming myself. Though it is so hard because we saw our triplets twice, with great heartbeats, and I just cant help but think that my body is doing something to them. I don't want to be a bitter, angry, jealous person.

Just keep us in your thoughts & prayers.

Nesting.Away · July 2009

We are here for you AB. Please don't even feel like you can't let it out here. We are thinking about you!

MerryMarisa · July 2009

LuvBugKel:
Oh sweetie I wish more than anything I was in the same town as you so I could come over and give you that big hug & good cry you so need right now. I can't even begin to imagine the pain both of you are going through. Please know we are always here for you. (((HUGS)))

Ditto this exactly. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. As pp's said, therapy sounds like a good route right now. IF and m/c's take a massive toll on us and our marriages. I hope you and your DH can work this out. ((( BIG HUGS )))

NYC_CT · July 2009

You have been in my prayers. I honestly can't imagine the pain and loss you have had to endure. It would be enough to test anyone's relationship. I agree that therapy would probably be a good option. You have been through SO MUCH, it is totally normal to need a little help to get through it all. You'll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you.

sweetsurrender9 · July 2009

I wish I had words to make it all better, but I don't. You and your DH will be in my prayers. I hope that you're able to find a support system in your community to help you deal with your huge losses. *hugs*

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