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Adoption
What do you think ....
When we first met with our SW we told her we weren't sure if AA children would be on our list to adopt .... reason being we live in a very small town (1900 ppl) and there are 2 AA people that I know of who live here. And it also comes from our families weren't exactly "happy" of our idea of bringing home even a bi racial child.
Bless them --- they are all good people but it's hard for them to accept certain things coming from these small towns.
So, since we talked to her in May it's been really pulling on my heart to think things over. We've come to the conclusion that as PAP's we're not only increasing our family, we're providing a loving home for a child -- and that's something that shouldn't be decided by genes. (Plus our SW said there are more AA children needing homes.)
We've discussed our reasoning with family and friends and they don't say much .... just to do whatever we think is right. I HAVE had some harsh comments said but who doesn't?
I wrote our SW today and told her we're not going to specify any one race. We feel the Lord will send us whatever situation was made for us.
Do you think they will really allow us to go ahead with this or will they say your reasonings in the beginning for NOT wanting to do AA are too , how would you put it , strong of issues to pass over?
Does that make sense? lol We don't plan on living here but another 2 years and that's long before our child will start school.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What do you think ....
I'm sure you know the general direction of my opinion. Let me just step up on a soap box for a few minutes ...
The US is compromised of like 12% black. I live 20 miles outside of NYC and in a medium sized town yet it is 98% white. However, many of the areas we shop and parks we walk in have a higher number of blacks. My point - it doesn't matter where you live there is a good chance you won't have a high % of AA/black persons.
We have many black friends - most of which work in corporate america and are highly successful. Even though some of them live and work in NYC - they are often the only black face in the board room and the only at their level of management. My point - as your child grows up chances are they will be the only black person or one of a few in their college classrooms and depending on the work field they go into they may also be the only AA person there too.
When asking many of these same black friends about school for their children - they reply that the school is predom. white. When asked if this is an issue, the response I receive is that they would rather their child to go to a good school. Unfortunately, schools with a higher number of black students tend to be in poorer districts. My point - as my black friends have stated - in some regards this prepares their children for what the real world is like, they are called a minority group for a reason. You have to do your best to help nurture them on their journey.
My family mostly lives in rural Iowa. I think my whole childhood there was only one black family in our town. Racist terms are a normal part of conversation for some of my family members.
When we made the decision to adopt and chose an AA/BR baby we matter-of-fact stated that we were planning to do so, and that if anyone had any questions about this we would appreciate them now otherwise when our child comes we expect them to be respectful and loving towards them. We also made the decision to exempt some people from our lives - who we really didn't associate with much anyway because frankly ... I wouldn't want my white child to be exposed such racism or unaccepting attitudes of other races either.
So bottom line ... I think that white parents who have black children do have to try harder to make sure that their child feels connected to both their biology and their adopted family.
It might mean that you go out of your way to go to a church in another community that is more diverse, it might mean that you search for play groups for your child that will consist of children and families that resemble your own (it might mean you have to travel), you might have to make more of an effort to search out children's books with characters that resemble your child to help them identify with their own skin color, you might have to have tough love with family and friends - it is NOT acceptable in this day and age NO MATTER where you are from to be disrespectful of other ppl because of their color (no excuses - good people or not) - and frankly if those ppl can't be supportive of you and your child then maybe they weren't that great of support to have in your life to begin with, and in our case we have made the decision to ensure that we have two children in the home with the same racial makeup even if later we decide to try biological children through surrogacy or adopt from another race - we do feel it is important that children do have someone within their home that they can identify with.
Anyway. I feel very passionately about this. There are more AA babies available for adoption than there are adoptive parents. This is a fact. Often agencies do have to turn away e-moms who will deliver a black child because they have no families. Sometimes e-moms who will deliver a black child have to just wait and see if a family is found for them before they deliver. If they can't find a family for them then the decision is left to the e-mom to parent a child she may not have felt she could parent, or for her to place her baby in foster care. Unfortunately, this all creates a domino effect on the foster care system with the high numbers of AA children who end up graduating from the system.
I say none of this to try to convince you to do something. I just feel that sometimes people (not specifically you) don't thoroughly try to mitigate the reasons they feel they can't parent an AA child - or sometimes the reasons they have actually even face AA families too.
If we had not said yes to our son (even though we were not ready to become active with our agency) then he would have went to foster care or the birth mother would have tried to parent ( by trying to parent him she may have ended up with all three of her children being removed from her care). As it was - we did not get the call about him until his 3rd day of life because the agency was calling everyone and anyone to try to get a family for this birth mother. I look at him now and I just can't believe ppl say no because of race. I never understood the concept so clearly of being color blind than when I look into his eyes.
At the end of the day - if you can't be a good parent or provide a healthy environment to a child of a different race then you shouldn't parent that child. But if there is a chance that you could or that you would are willing to make the effort - then don't close that door.
Your SW/agency will not deny you adoption of an AA child - unless they have other biases. They will ask you questions about why you chose to change your mind and what you will do to mitigate potential issues and what you will do to help make sure that your child has a healthy/supportive environment - starting at home.
Good luck to you! Don't feel guilted to doing something that you don't feel is right but don't prematurely close doors either.
To answer your question... I don't think the agency will have a problem with it. They may or may not ask you to clarify your reasons for changing your mind, so just be prepared to do that, but the reasons you gave here seem perfectly acceptable to me!
Congratulations on your decision!
Our SW has told us repeatedly that a majority of adoptive families start with a narrow view of situations they're open to, but as they spend more time thinking about it, and often the longer they wait for their child, the more open they start to expand the situations they're open to. So your story sounds like the typical adoptive family our agency would encounter, and they're more than likely thrilled that you're expanding your horizons, so to speak. I was pleasantly surprised to see some of the situations my DH was open to, coming from a white-bread, small town.
If they want to ask more about your reasoning, you can simply tell them what you told us here.
Good luck.
jacksjerseygirl -- thank you SO MUCH for putting so much of your opinion into what you wrote. I truly appreciate that and totally agree with your way of thinking.
Thanks to you girls who responded. It makes me feel better knowing we sound "normal" lol. I just was afraid the agency might look at this from a different standpoint. But, our hearts have told us that we need to wait and accept what comes our way without putting up boundaries.
I hope our agency wouldn't say "no" to this ... in their own way b/c as you all stated that would be biased on their part .... and our SW made it seem like she was wanting us to maybe think about these situations too. Because of the high need right now!!
Thanks ladies!
Chiming in late here. . .
I agree that following your heart and praying on the subject will lead you in the direction that's right for your family.
I also agree with Jacks that this will mean a significant commitment on your part to provide a culturally relevant experience for a child that's a different race than you.
I know that our agency encouraged us to consider transracial adoption. Many people don't feel they can take this on, but, in my agency's experience, they have seen some really great outcomes for families that are open to it.