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Adoption
Some questions...
I have been struggling with whether to change from TTCAL to trying to start our family through adoption and just wanted your opinions/experiences. My husband and I have experienced 2 MC in the last year. 15 years ago I delivered a still-born son at 28 weeks gestation. My husband and I had planned on adopting from the Philippines after he graduates from college. Now I am thinking we should begin the process sooner. Maybe a DA or maybe still IA. I am thinking maybe it will be less of an emotional roller coaster for me then trying to get pregnant. Sometimes I think it would be to stressful to be pregnant and worried for 9 months and other times I think I should try one more time. I know a lot of women can relax after they get pass the 14 week period Since I lost my son at 28 weeks I don't think I'll relax until I give birth.
The other thing to consider is my husband and I have only been married for a year and 4 months. The agencies I've looked at say you have to be married for at least 2 years for DA and 3 years to adopt from the Philippines. And if you are wondering why we are in such a hurry I should mention my husband is 40 and I am 35.
Okay, to the questions:
1. If you were TTCAL, when did you decide to stop TTCAL and begin adoption?
2. How stressful has the adoption process been for you? Has it been more or less stressful than TTCAL?
3. Do you think my husband being a full-time college student will be an issue? We have no debt, not even a car payment, and I am able to support us financially as a school counselor and adjunct professor?
4. Do you think my husband not having health insurance will be an issue?
Thank you all for answering my questions.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Some questions...
1. If you were TTCAL, when did you decide to stop TTCAL and begin adoption? We had 2 m/c's and had always considered adoption, but there wasn't really a stop/start point. At one point I realized the IF treatments were pretty invasive and we should move our adoption timeline up a bit. We did both for awhile, but now are exclusively adopting. I would say you need to properly grieve your pregnancies and IF before moving on.
2. How stressful has the adoption process been for you? Has it been more or less stressful than TTCAL? It's a different kind of stress. We had a failed match and it was pretty awful, but we didn't have much emotionally invested in it because we were matched a couple of weeks before the baby was born, never met mom, never held baby, etc. For me, it's productive stress -- I'm able to do something while waiting. There's always something to work on, and I knew that the timeline may be long, but eventually I would hold a baby. Very different than TTCAL or with IF. I know those girls like to say you WILL be pg someday, but honestly that's not true. And again, I think you have to be at peace with your IF or circumstances before you can move on.
3. Do you think my husband being a full-time college student will be an issue? We have no debt, not even a car payment, and I am able to support us financially as a school counselor and adjunct professor? No, it will not be a problem.
4. Do you think my husband not having health insurance will be an issue? As long as you have coverage for the baby, it should not be a problem. You might have to buy life insurance or an accident policy for him though.
1. About 2 years in
2. Every major life event is going to be stressful. I'm not going to lie, adoption has its ups and downs too.
3. No, but you can always ask any agency you're considering and they can let you know if that's a problem.
4. Do you carry health insurance for both of you? Then probably not, but again you can always ask an agency about this.
Good luck. Keep asking questions. It's a great group here.
1. If you were TTCAL, when did you decide to stop TTCAL and begin adoption? I had 5 losses over a period of 20 months. After the 5th, I was done. We had been seeing an RE and they had few options left for us other than expensive treatments that had no guarantee of success. We took almost a year off of thinking about a baby - we just worked on us and processing the losses. Late last year, we reached the point where we really still wanted to be parents, and decided to formally pursue adoption.
2. How stressful has the adoption process been for you? Has it been more or less stressful than TTCAL? The stress for me is completely different than TTC. TTC stress involved feelings of personal failure and inadequacy, plus the emotional pain of being denied something I wanted so much.
Adoption stress is quite different. It's more about being patient and working through the process - and relying on others to complete their pieces of the puzzle. Unlike TTC, adoption has given me hope - that I WILL be a Mom someday. TTC had broken my heart - the adoption process has healed it.
3. Do you think my husband being a full-time college student will be an issue? We have no debt, not even a car payment, and I am able to support us financially as a school counselor and adjunct professor? I think that if you are financially stable, you should not have an issue. They will likely want to know what your childcare plans will be (since you work full-time and DH is a student), and how you will manage if you are unable to work for some reason. How will you pay for adoption? Are you going a lower cost route like foster-to-adopt, or do you have significant savings to cover the costs? You will be asked all of these questions.
4. Do you think my husband not having health insurance will be an issue? I think it's possible it may be an issue. Obviously, you will need proof that the child will have coverage, but him not having insurance represents a significant financial liability for your family. (I'm not judging - it's just the truth. I work in a hospital and see the devastating effects on families when folks don't have insurance.) Being in school may not equal a pass on having health insurance.
Does his school offer any kind of basic, low-cost coverage? My school actually required that you be covered. Could you add him to your plan? At a minimum, you will both need physical exams and health histories from a physician for your application - without coverage, you will have to pay out-of-pocket for this.
HTH and best of luck in your journey!
I'm gonna throw my answers in also. First off -- We've never dealt with loss --- we just got pg with DD after TTC 5 months and ever since have never been able to get pregnant again. We both have medical issues and docs are putting our chances at 3% or less without IVF - which we said no to.
1. If you were TTCAL, when did you decide to stop TTCAL and begin adoption?
I don't think there is a stopping or starting point on moving from any kind of IF to adoption. We gradually rolled into it. We signed with our agency while we were still TTC and due to age requirements had to wait 6 months to start --- in that time frame we were still TTC and tried 2 donor sperm cycles. Finally, we were able to start with our agency in May 09. So, we just transitioned, so to speak lol.
2. How stressful has the adoption process been for you?
For us, it's been quite a bit more stressful and emotional. I say that now b/c that's where i'm at lol. When we were TTC we were sort of in control of our bodies -- if something went wrong we were responsible -- we could take meds and try different things and we were involved physically with things.
With adoption we're constantly waiting on someone else. Even though they are not there to judge, there have been many times my heart feels violated in that sense. They have to know everything about you -- the good and the bad -- they asses your physical, emotional, & mental status -- they look at how strong your marriage is -- they come into your home to make sure it is safe -- they look at your financials ... and the whole time you're on pins and needles thinking something is not going to be good enough and they're going to say you can't adopt. Then, in our DA, we have to wait until someone chooses US to take their child.
So, everything is more out of our control and I don't quite like that feeling. (Of course I know these things are just to make sure we are providing a safe home but it still is hard to actual go through on a personal issue.)
3. Do you think my husband being a full-time college student will be an issue? We have no debt, not even a car payment, and I am able to support us financially as a school counselor and adjunct professor?
With our agency, as long as you can prove you can financially take in a child you are fine. I think they will look at your DH being in college as a positive thing! (And we even have a little bit of credit card debt which they didn't say much about - so you seem in good standing all around ;D)
4. Do you think my husband not having health insurance will be an issue?
Our agency asked if we had insurance and wanted to see what was covered for adopted children under it. But since we had it, I don't know what they would have said if we didn't.
GL & Welcome!!
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me. It is really helpful. To answer some questions about the health insurance thing. My husband attempted to obtain hospitalization health insurance in case something really tragic happened. If he has to go to the doctor we can afford to pay out of pocket for that. Because he had a knee surgery about 6 months before he became a college student full time and was applying for the insurance 3 companies declined to cover him.He is to old to get college student health insurance, you have to be under 25. I can cover him through my work, but it cost $415 a month. We just can't afford to pay that much for health insurance. The other plans he was applying for would have been around $100 a month. We should not have trouble getting individual coverage for a child.
The cost of the adoption is something that my family has been very vocal in wanting to help fund. I have a cousin who is very well off (they own three pharmacies and have no debt) and adopted an 11 year old girl from India last year. She and her husband believe so strongly in adoption, particularly IA, that they are funding an adoption for a friend of theirs. My cousin told me she wants to give me the money needed for an adoption. I insisted on paying her back with the tax credit, but she said she was giving me the money and didn't want to be paid back. My mom also said she would help too. I have a really wonderful family. I am very blessed. They just want for us to be parents and my cousin has a saying when kids come into the family "one more person to love."
As far as the invasive part, I should say I used to write home studies for families attempting to foster or adopt. So I am very familiar with the poking and prodding. I actually did the poking and prodding for a long time. LOL. I also used to teach the PRIDE classes.
I feel so much more comfortable now with my decision thanks to all you wonderful ladies. I am going to keep trying to get pregnant for the next year. Next summer we will begin the adoption process if I am not already pregnant. Oh, I should mention my husband has pretty well left all the time line stuff up to me. He says I am the one that has to be pregnant so I should decide what I want to do. He just wants to be a dad.
Thank you again for all your support!
I agree that your husband's lack of insurace may be an issue--we had to show not only health insurance, but also short- and long-term disability, as well as life insurance.
Also know that obtaining individual health insurance (non-group-sponsored) for an IA child can be difficult and will most definately have exculsions for pre-existing conditions (which may be everything other than well-baby checks and accidents).
Good luck with your TTC journey!
With three denials in my state TN you can get on the state program. Is that a option were you are?
We are adopting from Canada and had to show proof of health, life, home and auto coverage.
Good Luck.