Do you tell people about IF? — The Bump
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Do you tell people about IF?

I'm wondering if you tell people about your troubles TTC and the reason you have decided to either talk about it or not talk about.

 Also, if you do tell people, at point in your IF did you decide to?

My DH and I have been trying for about a year and I have told one friend who has been dealing with PCOS for three years, but that's it. Typically it doesn't bother me when people say we should have another one, but lately they seem to be bringing it up more and it's also bothering me more.

Thank you ladies.

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Re: Do you tell people about IF?

  • I tell people that we are trying and having problems and have been seeing an IF Specialist.  I do not go into details, because I am sure they do not want to here about DH SA and IUI's and all the other fun stuff we ladies get to do.  However, my opinion is that if you do not let people know what you are going through, then you can not get mad at them when they ask about having another kid.  they are doing it because they care not because they want to hurt you because they think you can not have another kid.  They do not know.  I have always told freom the beginning and I will continue to tell, then people seem to be much more reserved for my feelings and ask how things are going instead of when are yougoing to have another kid.  So hope that helps.
    Alyssa born 6/14/05 at 8 lbs 2oz - Ashley born 3/27/10 at 6 lbs 13oz
    We had 2 years of IF trying to conceive #2 and one loss during that time. We are currently trying for #3! had another loss the end of June
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  • On one hand I agree that certain people ask when you are having another one because they care I think on the other hand some people ask only because they are nosy. It's in those times when it makes me feel a little better to tell them that we have issues so that they feel a little bad for asking and might spare some other woman the pain of being constantly hounded about having children (can you tell I'm still a little bitter?). I was brought up that someone's sex life, decision to have kids, fertility issues, etc was their business and it was out of line to ask questions like that to someone who wasn't close family. That being said, we don't tell the world but at the same time we don't hide it as a secret either.

    The absolute worst to me is when someone talks to my child about it "hey sweetie! when is your mommy going to have a baby brother or sister for you to play with" comes the b!+ch slap

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  • I don't tell everybody. I share some of the process with my sister, parents and a couple close friends and my bosses. I'm generally a private person, and couldn't imagine answering many questions daily from everyone I know.
  • On one hand I agree with DSU.  People are going to ask.  If you don't tell then you can't really get upset when they continually ask KWIM?  I think we run in very different circles though because generally speaking those who we have told, after much pestering about it, have felt the need to * insert opinion / unsolicited advice here*

    To the point that it's been offensive or hurtful.  Yes I am grateful for the child I have.  No camping will not fix my medical issues. Yes I had a miscarriage.  No it's no consolation that I did actually conceive.  A positive pg test is not my aim here.    Thanks though. 

    I usually deflect the question or change the subject.  There are people I talk to about it but not many.   This process and it's treatments is so invasive and sometimes embarassing that I don't think the vast majority needs to know about it.

    That said if you want to do it then I for one am not going to judge you for it.  Different strokes for different folks. 

  • I am like an open book about what i have done, but i don't go into detail at all with what i am currently doing.  Noone knows about my FET date...not even my mom (although she knows that i will be doing one this fall)

    Noone asks me about #2 because they know all that i went through with #1.

    I think i do it mostly so people see that IVF is not taboo and that something wonderful can come from it.  I also do it because there are SOOOOO many people with similar situations as me, that i want them to know they can confide in me if they need too.

  • CHI-06CHI-06
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments
    I didn't tell anyone at all until right before we hit the year mark ttc#1...I didn't want to talk about it because I really wanted the pregnancy to be a surprise.  But at that point I just really needed to talk to some people.  I ended up telling my sister, mom and 2 close husband told a few people too.  That's it.  I just had standard answers I would give when people asked...and I still do that now.  Actually we have told no one that we were trying again or about m/c or anything... honestly it got hard for me when people knew last time... they wanted to know dates of transfer, testing etc and then I'd have 5 people calling me for updates....and I know they all meant well but it did make it a bit more stressful at times for me.  This time I just wanted it to be between DH and I and break the news a fun way when we're ready to tell... which is how it would have been if we never had IF issues in the first place.  I would never have told people we were trying/testing etc etc...  it's just personal and I could never talk about it with people I am not really close to...that's just how I feel.  And yes people that you tell will still make insensitive comments that hurt... and if you don't tell people will ask...
    Daughter born July 2008; Daughter born March 2010 Son born August 2011
  • My family and his family know as we are close to my family and to his sister. Not too many extended family though. My mom knows almost everything, but like I said we are close. We started off trying to keep it from my dad in fear that he would be upset (he wants me to finish college before another baby) but when we told him he said he understood us wanting another one especially closer to our daughter in age. 
    Our Girls
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  • I have been very, very open about it this time around.  I think it is important for people to know how common it can be and that helps people to be a bit more sensitive.  Sure some people still put their foot in their mouths sometimes, but so far it hasn't bothered me as much this time around.  I think the success of #1 has helped to keep me hopeful this time. 

    And I must confess that sometims I love the reaction that I get from people who ask in a really unfriendly, nosey way.   Their embarrassment is a small comfort in this IF process. 

    And the death of my father right before DS was born has made me a lot more open too.  I found that I have a really good support system.  I do think I am more senstive to comments that relate to that more so than IF.  My aunt agonizing over what her brand new grandson should call her because she can't stand the thought of being called "grandma" just about put me over the edge.  I really wanted to tell her to shut up and be happy that she lived long enough for someone to be able to call her grandma.

    Married 9-4-04

    ***PM me for my IF history***

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  • When someone says anything, I just say "Believe me, we're trying" - if they pry more then I just get blunt. "Well given the fact I don't ovulate and have obscenely long cycles without an egg ever soon as I have a successful ovulation, you'll be the first person I call!"

    That usually makes them go away :)
  • I've always been very open about it until I got pregnant with twins. Now w/Octomom I've gotten a lot of snide comments.  I still share, but more cautiously.

    For us it is a good thing.  We had many friends and family be supportive.  Moreover I've met others who struggle and don't talk about it a lot.  I've made some sweet friendships through this.

    Mom to Harmon 1/17/08 and twins Rachel & Callum 8/28/09 Photobucket 29o0v13.jpg
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