MIL vent: I *am* DD's "gatekeeper" dammit. That's part of my job as her mom.
goodtobethelarkster
member
MIL was complaining to DH last night that she thinks it's ridiculous that she either has to call us or we have to call her to see DD. She doesn't feel like she should have to deal with a "gatekeeper" to see her own grandchild and therefore she won't call me any more because she doesn't want to "jump through my hoops."
I've been chewing this over all day today because obviously I want DD to have a relationship with her grandmother. But the more I think about it the more I think MIL is being unreasonable. I absolutely consider myself and DH to be "gatekeepers" to DD. If either one of us isn't comfortable with DD going some place, doing something, hanging out with someone, or whatever, then DD does not get to go to that place, do that activity, or hang out with that person. I absolutely expect everyone - not just MIL, everyone - to call us and ask before they take DD to do something or, if they don't want to approach us, then wait for us to approach them. If you won't play by the "rules" or "jump through the hoops" that DH and I have set up, then tough. You don't get to see DD.
We've never told MIL she can't see DD and it's not like we have a bunch of crazy-a$$ rules set up or anything like that. But if you want to, say, take DD to the park I absolutely expect you to let me know ahead of time where you'll be taking her, have a carseat in your vehicle or arrange to borrow my vehicle, let me know how long you will be and call me if something comes up, etc.. and, frankly, even if I add something you think is vaguely BSC to my list of "demands" then I expect you to respect that too because that's our judgment call to make, not yours.
It doesn't have to be a giant "you shall do XYZ" formal conversation but we need to be aware of the arrangements, okay with them, and trust that you'll respect our wishes.
Obviously as DD grows up our role as parents will change but right now she's 16 months old and the more I think about it the more I think that being a "gatekeeper" and arranging hoops and rules is part of being a responsible parent. I get that MIL feels like she's entitled to see her grandkid but she's not entitled to do that whenever and however she pleases. I expect her to jump through the same "hoops" my parents and everyone else on the planet jump through and I'm having a really hard time seeing where MIL is coming from with this whole "I am never calling you again because I don't want to deal with you as "gatekeeper"" deal.
Do you see yourself as DC's "gatekeeper"? Is this a common MIL reaction? Am I missing something here? I'm at a loss. At this point my best guess is that she's actually pissed at me about something else and is choosing to throw her toys out over this issue instead.
Re: MIL vent: I *am* DD's "gatekeeper" dammit. That's part of my job as her mom.
uh. I'm not really sure what she's wanting... to be able to randomly show up at your door and take DD wherever she pleases?
and, yes, I have all of the same expectations as you when it comes to making plans to take care of a 15-16mo. I mean, that's just life... if you want someone to cook for you, you have to let them know you are coming for dinner...
your MIL sounds like a piece of work. sorry, larks.
I told my MIL to call first anytime she wants to see DS, she was also sour about this which I totally do not understand. I pretty much always say come on over unless we have plans or something else is going on. She lives 30 minutes away so to me it just makes sense to check first before you come over because we are out and about a lot.
You are completely in the right to request a phone call.
Kate was born 1-26-2008
Natural m/c on 10-18-09 at 9.5 weeks
Mira was born 9-14-2010
Umm...your daughter is 16 months old. Does said MIL expect DD to call her and ask her to come get her? Or maybe she wants DD to answer the phone and say yes when MIL asks if she wants to go to the zoo. WhoTF else is MIL supposed to ask/talk to about spending time with DD?????
Seriously. When my parents or in-laws want to see DS they call to see what we're up to and if it's okay to stop over. Or maybe they'll hint that they miss seeing him or we should go out without him or something. Last I knew part of being a responsible parent is sharing in the decision making on what your child does.
The whole 'gatekeeper' thing is bizarre. Of course you guys should know all the details of what's going on with your DD. You're the parents, that's part of the job description.
I guess if you want to call it that, we are also 'gatekeepers.' I need to know where DD is at all times, what she's doing etc. I think that's very reasonable and as the parents, we are free to set whatever rules we want. Even if anyone else, especially MILs, think they are unreasonable.
We don't have this issue with MIL because the circumstances are a little different. But with my parents, they always ask ahead of time when they would like to take DD somewhere. They give details of what they are doing, where they are going and I fell comfotable calling them anytime I like.
That seems silly that she would expect to not go through you or dh to see dd. It's not like she's 16 and can leave a note "went to grandmas, back by dinner."
Is she going to call up dd on the phone and arrange a play date without telling you? Maybe you should try that, I'm sure a 16 month old would have no problem with that.
I could have written this post. I feel your pain. You are the gatekeeper, you make the rules, I couldn't agree with you more. This happens with my IL's frequently. DH & I are sticking to our guns when it comes to our rules for ds. His parents often choose not to listen to, or respect our views about everything on this planet but when it comes to ds they have to or they don't get to see him.
did she have a hard time letting go of your H when you married him? sounds like she's used to being the ultimate, supreme, answer-me-these-questions-three gatekeeper and she doesn't like the idea that someone else may have taken on that role. it's absolutely your job to set your DD's schedule. no one in my life just comes and takes my DD without a little planning first. and i tend to think that when people complain about the qualities they can't stand in another person, it's really that they're complaining about themselves. if she thinks you're being too controlling, it's probably because she can't stand the loss of control she's experiencing now that she's not the only mama in the room.
my MIL has a much more subtle way of trying to get around me. she calls my H and endlessly explains to him the things we "should" be doing with dd. translation, "your wife is clueless and i know best." if i had a dollar for everytime she said "you know what you need to do..." i could afford to move farther away from her.
WTF is your MIL smoking Larks? I would think she would be MORE worried about you handing your kid out willy nilly to whomever showed up on your step ... or not providing her with the necessary saftey equipment or scheduled routine to keep her happy/safe.
People are pissing me off today. You wanna send me her email address?
The Mouse ~ 06.12.08 | The Froggy ~ 02.23.11
No person, grandparent or otherwise, has ever taken M for an outing without me. Not that I would definitely say no, but we don't have relatives close by who could do that type of thing and subsequently she is used to only me and my husband and I don't think she'd do well with it.
Anyway, your MIL is totally unreasonable and perhaps delusional. Of course you have the say-so of what your child does and with whom. Of course you do.
I could SO see my husband's mom (I REFUSE to call her mother-in-law) saying something similar. ?She's bipolar and has had drug/alcohol issues in the past. ?She doesn't say stupid crap like that to ME and never would but it is something she'd say ABOUT me to my husband. ?
Bottom line...your daughter is you and your husband's responsibility and while extended family is important, they and anyone else who wants to spend time with your child has to follow your rules. ?If you say: ?Call first, ask if DD is available, tell me what you're doing and when you plan to be back, then that's the game plan. ?And if they don't want to follow those rules then they are choosing not to see your daughter. ?I can't stand the unreasonableness of some MILs! ?Ugghhhh....?
I'll say, overall, however, that I think a lot of the gatekeeping has to do with your relationship with the person, and their regular relationship with the kid(s).
My mom stops and picks up my sister's kids all the time. My husband and I do the same. We often surprise them with a trip to Philly or Pittsburgh. My sister is confident that we won't sell them to a foreign sheikh or use them as collateral for some high stakes gambling. And while we might not give a real itinerary, we do clear the trip with her first. "Hey, Beck, is it okay if we kidnap your children this weekend?" "God, yes! Take them!"
OMG I can't believe this, I would have freaked.
Your MIL is ridiculous. It's not "gatekeeping" it's parenting.
Mama Jan's Kitchen... a food blog
My MIL is like this. It's not that she's a bad grandma, just not terribly respectful of our way of doing things. She expects us to give her carte blanche when we're all together, and takes it very personally when we expect her to follow our rules.
My attitude, like yours, is too bad. She has huge boundary issues, which is all the more reason for DH and me to keep our boundaries super-clear and consistent. She is just going to have to live with it -- I don't care if and how she figures this out; not my problem. I love her, but I'm not responsible for, nor beholden to, her crazytown nuttiness.
I understand that she obviously would have to call you guys and ask/request to see her, because she's a baby and cannot make that decision for herself nor can she talk to her grandma.
But I'm also taking your post to mean that if your MIL was babysitting all day, or overnight, and wanted to go on a walk, or take your DD to the park, that you would require a phone call for permission?
I guess I don't get that. My DD stays with my mom and my inlaws and if they need to run an errand, then my DD is going with. If I trust them to babysit, I trust them with her fully, with no restrictions. I certainly don't need a phone call every time they want to leave the house. I'm thinking I'll be flamed by you for not knowing where my DD is every second she is with someone else, and not being upset by that or concerned. I've watched my niece and nephew for multiple days/nights in a row, while my BIL and SIL were out of town. I wouldn't bother them each time I took them on a walk, to the park, to the store, nor would they want to be bothered.
But as Lori said, I'm sure this has more to do with prior relationship than anything else, which is influencing the current behavior/mentality.
k, so she doesn't want to call you or your husband to see her... Did Maggie get a cell phone? Man, I had hoped to wait at least until Ethan was 5 to get him one... Now I gotta get one to keep up with the larksters! Sheesh!
Yeah, everything you said, I agree with. I expect to always know where my child is, what he is doing, and gatekeeper is just stupid. You are being her Mom, FFS.
OMG! She would be removed from the daycarelist faster than you can say BSC! that is sooo not right!
!!!
Was she on the daycare's list of approved picker-uppers? Our daycare had a list and they still required a parent to call and let them know someone else was picking up the kids before they would release them.
Larks - I also do not understand what she is wanting. She doesn't want to have to ask you or your DH to see Mags.....how does this work? She knows your child still lives at your house and is with one of you at all times, right?
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012