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Adoption
jacksjerseygirl
member
s/o hypothetical daycare and e-parents
jacksjerseygirl
member
in Adoption
I know that sometimes e-parents specifically request a family in which there will be one stay at home parent (usually the mom). Sometimes this is a big sticking point with the e-parents - although I respect their desire for this - it isn't always going to be realistic in our society and economy.
It is also always recommended IME to not just tell an e-parent what they want to hear but rather if you don't think you can fulfill their requests that you not go through with the match or be honest that you may not be able to fulfill one of their expectations/requests.
IF ... you were matched with an e-mom who selects you with the notion that you will be SAHP ... but you know this isn't realistic ... would you tell them? I know with our agency, we wouldn't have been matched with them in the first place so this leads to the second question.
What if you were matched and agreed that you would be a SAHP, then after your child comes home - you later determine either from a financial or emotional standpoint that being a SAHP isn't right for your family. Would you inform the e-mom or just let it go? Would you feel like you weren't honoring them?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: s/o hypothetical daycare and e-parents
First, our agency would not match us with a birth mom who holds a set of expectations if they did not match the way we have expressed we HOPE to parent.
Second, the needs of our child will come first. So, whatever it takes to meet those needs (whether it be work full time, part time, or stay home full time, or part time), we will make the necessary changes. I believe that our birth mom selected us because she believes we will make the best parenting decisions possible and she trusts us to do that.
IMO, making the best decision for our child IS honoring the b/e-mom/parents.
Our childcare plans are asked about in a lot of our HS paperwork, and I believe it's a big factor in matching. So I guess your first question would be a moot point, because it's already out there.
Purely hypothetical, but I think I would mention it, but not make it as a "There's something I have to tell you" discussion. I would hope (and maybe I'm being naive or puppies and rainbows about it) that she would understand the reasoning behind it.
I agree with you. But having sat in on some e-mom and b-mom panels - I know that some feel very strongly about this. I could argue why their rational on this topic is not logical but at the end of the day ... it's always their decision.
Our birth mother never asked or made it an aspect of our match. I know her prime goal in placing G for adoption was to ensure he was well taken care of and loved. We told her that G would go to day care at DH's work but we have since decided on a nanny.
I would absolutely tell them up front if it wasn't realistic.
But I suppose if later things changed what would happen? It wouldn't be undone. Things can always change, unexpected things always occur.
My whole life I planned to be a SAHM, and I am, but if 5 years from now something drastic happened and I couldn't be, I wouldn't feel I broke any sort of agreement. If it meant going bankrupt or not, I would work.
However, if it were just for luxury things (Cabin, new car etc) I might not be willing.
I think that we were very honest up front with what would happen. We have even had this discussion with our SW in Canada who wants us to take off 6 months. Our homestudy says we both work and will continue to do so.
After everything was approved getting all the checklist in order the question came up of how much time we are taking off when she comes home. My answer tell me when she is coming and I will give you dates.
Last year we were going to take off 6 weeks because we had saved our vaction time to do so. This year on half days for 4 weeks because my brother was killed and we had to deal with that, then the trial to make some of the parties involed held accountable. My father has been repeatly hospitalized. So I wish I could stay home but I need a job.
I would tell the BM/SW what I could and could not do. After the adoption is final, which for us will be 6 months out, I would make the make the best call for the family.