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Adoption
Friend experienced failed adoptions.
Our best friends just experienced two failed adoptions. My heart has be aching for them through these past few months. I can't even imagine what they are going through, but I want to be a good friend.
My other problem is that my dh and I have a new baby, and I am soo worried that our daughter is painful for them to be around and hear about. I'm just curious if any of you have been through this, and what you think they need from us. Thanks!
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Re: Friend experienced failed adoptions.
It's hard to say because every couple is different and each individual may handle it differently within the couple. Also each failed adoption is different.?
We had one failed one before our son was born and one of my best friends had a baby just as we were starting the adoption process. To be honest it was very hard for me on many levels. Mainly because she was able to get pregnant the first month they tried and I knew we would never be pregnant. The pregnancy was actually harder for me to cope with than once they had the baby. Not sure why, but when she was pregnant and everyone made a big deal about her, I knew it was something I would never experience. As far as the baby I knew that one day I would be a ?mommy so it wasn't like she was experiencing something I never would. Just at a different time. Our sons are now 6 months apart so it has been wonderful to get tips from her.?
Once their son arrived I was super excited to see him and hold him. When I held him at two weeks old, I was terrified that I might have an emotional breakdown but it was very therapeutic for me. A lot of my friends thought it would be bad for me to be around the baby at first but it actually taught me that I WOULD love our baby immediately when he finally arrived. In a non-creepy way I realized that if someone had handed me this baby and said "he is yours" I would have loved him forever. (not that I was going to steal him or anything so I hope that sounds right)
I think she was probably overly sensitive about our adoption process and didn't share a lot of stuff about being a mommy with me. That was hard for me because, although she thought she was protecting me, she actually made me feel like I was being further "punished" for the fact that we were taking another route. In reality, that is probably just what she is like now that she is a mom. But at the time I internalized everything.
My best advice would be to listen and even bring up asking her how she is doing. I know other moms get engrossed in their own children and going through failed adoptions is a very painful experience. I don't think others can understand it but that doesn't mean you can't talk about it. I felt like people treated me with kid gloves and thought it (my infertility, failed adoption, difficulty of the adoption process, etc.) was a taboo subject and some days I just needed someone to ask me how I was holding up and let me cry.?
I will say that a few of my friendships during our adoption were strengthened greatly by the bond we formed through their willingness to listen even though they couldn't relate. Other friendships became more distant because they just didn't know what to say, so they didn't. That is one of the most beautiful parts about the adoption process that I have experienced. I've gotten to talk with close friends about so many meaningful parts of who I am as a person and the kind of person I want to raise. ?
Sorry that is a long answer. To be honest if one of my best friends had asked me what I needed during it (some did) I would have told them. If she is that type of person, ask her. Good luck and the fact that you are trying to even figure out how to relate shows that you will be wonderful at supporting her.?
i don't have much advice for you, since i haven't experienced it, but i wanted to wish your friends the best in getting through these rocky times, and good times to come quickly!
I think it is so sweet of you to be there and offer your friendship. I'm sure just being there and doing things with them to take their minds off would help so much.
It really does vary. I have had no problem with our friends' children, even my bff is pg- before her 1st month of even trying, and I couldn't be happier for her. But I had problems with family, who announced their pg in response to our announcement of adoption and then the baby was born the week before the baby we were matched to was born and the mom decided to parent. (after a week of saying she was going through with the adoption, but not letting us near the baby & changing court dates.)
So it may be that she can get her "baby fix" from your daughter, or it could be the she feels jealous. I agree that if she is a straight forward kind of person you could just ask if she would like you to leave your baby at home if youy get together for something.
Just acknowledging that you realize this could be hard for her might be a huge support to her.
I think it totally depends on the person -- I know with mine I was surprisingly "okay" as opposed to what happened with my m/c's, but it would really be most helpful if you can avoid saying cliche things like:
- Everything happens for a reason
- It just wasn't meant to be
- Your baby is out there
All true, but she's probably heard it before or even said it herself and just hearing those things over and over gets really annoying and wears you down after awhile. The most helpful thing to me was a friend who just said "wow, this really sucks!" and offered drinks or a mani/pedi or just hanging out.