Has anyone adopted an older child?

MrsW722 · July 2009

My sister and her husband are about to adopt a 6 year old boy, and I was wondering if anybody else had experience adopting an older child? If so, do you have any suggestions for other family members during this process?

Thank you!

MayDayGirl · July 2009

first, congrats. Second, wow, big adjustments for your family!

I have a three year old foster son who we'd like to adopt, but aren't sure will happen. Either way we have loved him like our own and my family is slowly getting there as well.

Don't expect the love to necessarily come instantly, and don't beat yourself up for it if it doesn't. Take time to really get to know him and know that in time your love will grow for him.

Watch how your sister and her DH with him and try to replicate that. I hate when people step in and discipline my FS completely different than we would. He has certain ways he needs to be dealt with, and really only we know them.

Also if you can, take him on dates! Make him feel special since you will be his auntie. Get to know what he loves and let him know what you love! Find a common bond you can share with him.

Good luck!

candm · July 2009

We are adopting a 5 and 8 y.o., but they aren't home yet. If your sister hasn't already, I suggest reading Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck.

MrsW722 · July 2009

Thank you MayDay! I appreciate your suggestions.

Unfortunately, I live 1500 miles away from them, so I won't be able to see him very often, but I definitely want him to feel special and welcome him with open arms.

What I planned on doing since DH and I are so far away is to make him a care package. Once my sister and her husband find out what he's into and what size clothes he wears I wanted to buy him some toys, books, clothes, and then include a nice picture of DH and I so that he'll know what we look like. I also thought of including a letter to him just telling him about us and asking him what he likes to do, etc.

Thanks again!

MrsW722 · July 2009

candm:
We are adopting a 5 and 8 y.o., but they aren't home yet. If your sister hasn't already, I suggest reading Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck.

Thank you! I will definitely tell her about this book.

MrsW722 · July 2009

fredalina:

Ditto Candm's book suggestions. If you feel up to a good (but not exactly happy) book, it would give you some insight.

i think your care package is a great idea. Treat it like you'd treat a baby shower, but for an older kid pretty much. i hope you can see him soon and take him out and do some "aunt" things, like take him to the movies and stuff.

Fred - thanks for your input as well! I think I'm going to send my sister the book.

candm · July 2009

Oh, I just thought of one more thing. Be supportive of your sister's family's need to bond/nest for a few months. It's actually best if they don't have a lot of extended family visiting for the first few months while they learn to bond with their son. They need to be the only one to "parent" him (i.e. feed, comfort, etc.) until the bond begins to be established. I know it's hard for other family members not to be there. When we are home, we'll let everyone come by for the first day b/c we know they are excited to meet their grandchildren/niece/nephew/etc. but then we really plan on nesting at home for the first 3 months after that.

MrsW722 · July 2009

candm:
Oh, I just thought of one more thing. Be supportive of your sister's family's need to bond/nest for a few months. It's actually best if they don't have a lot of extended family visiting for the first few months while they learn to bond with their son. They need to be the only one to "parent" him (i.e. feed, comfort, etc.) until the bond begins to be established. I know it's hard for other family members not to be there. When we are home, we'll let everyone come by for the first day b/c we know they are excited to meet their grandchildren/niece/nephew/etc. but then we really plan on nesting at home for the first 3 months after that.

You are absolutely right! Since I live so far away, I most likely won't make it down there to visit until around Christmas time. By the time we visit, he'll have been there for about 4 months. Hopefully by then he'll be somewhat adjusted and comfortable in his new home.

I know my sister is going to be very protective of his needs for a long time until he adjusts to his new family. I plan on being there for her no matter what she needs, even if it's just someone to talk to.

I am worried about my mother interfering and being too pushy. She's already talked to my sister about plans for October. Sometimes I think my mom just doesn't get how difficult this process may be. Does anybody have any advice to deal with an overwhelming-adoptive grandmother-to-be?

jacksjerseygirl · July 2009

MrsW722:

[I am worried about my mother interfering and being too pushy. She's already talked to my sister about plans for October. Sometimes I think my mom just doesn't get how difficult this process may be. Does anybody have any advice to deal with an overwhelming-adoptive grandmother-to-be?

No experience with an older child adoption, however, becoming a parent to new child (no matter how old) I am sure comes with its own learning curve. Even new parents with newborns need time to adjust and learn about their new baby without over-bearing family. I know a lot on the 0-6 month board here, a lot of people recommend several weeks before having family visit (especially those that can have loud opinions and be a little too overwhelming for a new family). Perhaps, a date should be given by the new parents to family members of how soon they want to have people over? Maybe they will need a month or two so that they can learn about their new child and their new child can get used to them let alone a ton of new family.

It's hard for grandmas, I know ... but sometimes it is for the best that a later date be given as to how soon family can come.

Congrats to your family!

katjeff2003 · July 2009

we have adopted older children. Our oldest son was 7 when we adopted him, our youngest son was 5 and our daughter is now 6, we are waiting on our court date... The best advice I can give to you is to just love the child for him or her. They all have baggage, older children may have trust issues, so if the child does not act lovie dovie, do not sweat it. Just give the child time and space. They have had to put up walls to protect themselves and it takes time for them to let anyone in. However, the child may be overly lovie dovie also, trying to "feel" everyone out. Older kids are awesome judges of character.

Our families didn't overwhelm the kids with presents, attention, etc and it seemed to be the best way to them to adjust to a family. We just did normal family activities. However,now the kids are showered w/ attentiion. They know their adoption story and we talk about it often.

If you want to chat more, let me know

Kat

Mommy to Jesse, 11, Jon 8 and soon to be mommy to my angel baby

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