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Need opinions

517butterfly517butterfly
in Adoption
DH & I were talking last night about BM.  Supposedly we were suppose to meet her this month but I haven't gotten any further information from SW so I am wondering if she has changed her mind about meeting.  Anyways, as I have posted previously BM is HIV+ and thankfully DD is officially HIV-.  We haven't told any family or friends IRL anything regarding the HIV because that is really BM's business and DD's business.  But it does create an awkward situation in how we talk to DD about her BM.  Do we tell her that her BM was sick?  We definitely do not want to hold anything back from her once she's old enough but how then do we shield that from the rest of the world.  Its going to be a delicate situation.  Any advice?
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Re: Need opinions

  • MayDayGirlMayDayGirl member

    oy, that's hard. I would def tell her that her bmom was sick.  Maybe wait till she's quite a bit older to elaborate.

     

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    Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • 517butterfly517butterfly
    How do we prevent damage control with our family? 
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  • Art TeacherArt Teacher

    This is somewhat different, but it kind of relates.  We are not sharing our birth mother's age with anyone.  Once our child is older, we will share that information with him/her.  But for now, it is the child's information only.  We have had to tell people (including our parents and siblings) that there is information that we are keeping private and that is one of those things. Was everyone happy with that?  No, not necessarily, but it doesn't matter - we want to do what's we think is right for our child and for our child's birth mom.

    You could say the same thing to your family if it comes up...that the information is private and only going to be shared with your daughter.  Our agency has said that if your child chooses to share that information, that is his/her choice because it's about them.  They can make that decision to share if it comes up.

    Hope that helps...

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  • jewele803jewele803

    I think you will need to let DD know that BM was sick, but somehow have to differentiate it (as a more serious sickness) so that DD will not become afraid she might lose you or DH if you get a cold, the flu, or minor sickness.  Of course, this is way down the road...

    As far as family...that is SO hard!  I guess I would be open about it...everyone will have their own opinion, but hopefully all the bad feeling will melt away when they see you interacting w/ and loving your DD.  Ultimately, if it's not a huge deal to you, it should not be a big deal to your family. I wish it were that easy, but it's just not though...

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  • Art TeacherArt Teacher

    imagefredalina:
    i would tell DD that her birthmom was sick, but that she took precautions to make sure that she (DD) didn't get sick and had a good family because she loved her so much.  i would elaborate as time went by about what the sickness is/was, how it is contracted, etc. 

     I like how Fredalina phrased this, too - telling her that her birth mom was sick, but did everything she could to make sure that DD didn't get sick. 

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  • jacksjerseygirljacksjerseygirl member

    I'm definitely a believer in being as honest as possible from the get-go and not waiting until a magical age.

    I see nothing wrong when telling your LO about her BM and part of that is that she is sick. Plain and simple. Your LO will let that simple part of  who her BM is go for a long time without a follow-up.

    On occasion I tell G about his BM, if she was sick then I would just include in my talks with him that his BM is sick and so we always pray for her. A child will not understand what HIV/AIDS is but later when they are more cognitively able - they will ask you the follow-up question: sick with what? You just take it one question at a time and keep your answers as simple as possible.

    I don't know how your BM contracted the virus but I think it is important to not imply something negative about how she contracted it otherwise your child could attach that stereotype to anyone they come across who might have HIV/AIDS - not everyone is a drug user or a prostitute. KWIM?

    ETA: Why would there be fall out with your family? It is not their business. This is between you and your child. If your child decides to share such information - if family follow up with you about it - I would be dismissive of their questions - it isn't their business and they are in 'no danger'. Oy

    Here is a good link and I'm sure there are more and probably even some children's books:

    https://www.drgreene.com/21_605.html

    https://www.talkingwithkids.org/aids.html

    https://gateway.nlm.nih.gov/MeetingAbstracts/ma?f=102232419.html

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  • TTCgradstudTTCgradstud

    imagefredalina:
    i would tell DD that her birthmom was sick, but that she took precautions to make sure that she (DD) didn't get sick and had a good family because she loved her so much.  i would elaborate as time went by about what the sickness is/was, how it is contracted, etc. 

    I also think Fred phrased it well.  As for your family, do you need to tell them?  Could you just say that the BM was in a position where she did not feel she could properly parent DD and leave it at that? 

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