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Working Moms
honestly--do you mostly feel "good" about working?
Not trying to stir controversy, but just wondering if I"m in the minority here. Over a year and a half after returning to work, I still beat myself up daily and have to give myself silent "pep" talks about how I'm "doing the best for my family; my child is not suffering b/c I work; she gets to spend equal time with me and my husband b/c I work; we live in a nice, safe community b/c I work; I'm setting the example that women can be successful in the world outside of being successful in the home alone; my child seems happy (or as happy as a toddler can be when inclined toward crankiness)", etc. Yet, every time my dd does anything remotely upsetting (hits/bites me, doesn't listen, etc. --all normal toddler behavior), the first thing that pops in my head is "it's b/c she's in daycare and you work outside the home and don't spend every waking second with her and she's suffering for it." Is this normal? Do you constantly find yourself with these (admittedly irrational and unfair) feelings?
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Re: honestly--do you mostly feel "good" about working?
Your kid would be going through the same developmental stages if you stayed at home. And of course, there si no evidence that daycarre has a negative impact on kids.
Why are you wasting a second of your time beating yourself up and feeling guilty? You are wasting a lot of time and energy you could be devoting to your child or to simply being happy.
no, I'm sorry, but I don't. I wish I more time to spend with her, but I do not beat myself up about it.
It sounds just you understand this is ineffective thinking - you just need to keep giving yourself pep talks.
Or work it out so that you can quit and SAH. If it is seriously affecting your mental health, then maybe it really is not worth it to be stressed out for the rest of your toddler's pre-school life.
Granted, I'm new at this whole mother thing (DD is only 3 months old). But no, I don't feel that way. Ever. I've honestly never considered staying home w/ her for one second. My job is something I have to do.
And granted, part of that is because of the life I want to provide her that won't come from one income alone. But the #1 reason for why I will never, ever consider us being a one income household has to do w/ my experiences growing up. It left a huge, huge mark on me.
i came from a single income household where the breadwinner (my father) got stricken down unexpectedly w/ terminal cancer. And let me tell you, the chaos that threw my family into financially? My mom was out of work for a decade when dad got sick. She couldn't find a decent paying job. He burned through all his vacation, sick time & disability coverage in no time. Its been 20 years since he got sick, 10 years since his death & my mother has yet to recover financially from the hit their household took. I even wound up in debt because of it. So, yeah. I learned my lesson. I will NEVER, ever put my financial eggs in one basket like my parents did. Not ever. I look at my daughter & my immediate thought is to make sure she has as much financial security as we can possibly provide to her. I don't ever want her to see us go thru what I watched my parents contend with.
I honestly never have a single thought that my kids are suffering because I work. I am 100% certain that my family is better off with two working parents, I am 100% certain that my son is happier in a social environment then he would be home with me and I am 100% certain that I would not be happy at home.
I know it's hard not to feel sorry for yourself and your daughter but one thing that keeps me grounded is my husband's job. He has a client that was a SAHM and did something stupid - not illegal, but stupid - and now can only see her son once a week for two hours in supervised visitation. So instead of feeling bad that I don't see my kids all day, I feel happy that I get to spend a few hours a day with my kids, tuck them in every night and spend me weekends laughing and playing with them.
Honestly, I do feel good about working, for all the reasons that you listed and then some.
Have you thought about trying to figure out why you feel this way and see if it will help you? Sometimes, when I am obsessing over something and can't shake negative thoughts, it helps to get to the root of it. Once you know why you are feeling a certain way, you can either change that or at least feel a lot better about it. Are you and DH on the same page? Do you get negative comments from your family? Was your mom a SAHM and you feel guilty you aren't doing that, or did she work and you don't want to be like her? Are all your friends SAHMs? Just throwing some things out there.
I hope you can either feel better about this. It sounds so draining.
I would rather stay home but we need two incomes to survive. I always knew I would have to go back to work, so I guess I just got used to it. My DS is with my best friend who has 4 LO also, so he is with kids all day and in a family environment, which makes me feel better about working. What about working PT? If we could afford it, that?s what I would do.
I did feel that way when I first went back to work after having DD, but after a long road (went part-time, and then got a new full-time job when DD was 15 months), I've come to peace with my decision and realized that I'm much happier being a working mom than I would be as a SAHM. And I really think DD benefits too. She is so closely bonded to me, I am her favorite person in the world - and working or not working does not change that. I am excited to NOT have to go through that turmoil with #2 now that I've been through the experience. I know it will be hard in teh beginning again, but I also know that it works for our family.
Good luck. Maybe what you need is a new job that fulfills you more. Changing jobs made a world of difference for me.
Do you hate your job?
To answer your initial question, no, I don't. ?I miss DD a lot, and our lives are insane, but I'm happy to be back at work. ?
You have a script running in your head, and it's a bad one. ?i think the next time it does run through your head you need to actively 'talk back' to it - EVERY time. "NO, I'm not a bad mom. ?No, it's not because I'm not home, it's because she's a toddler and that is normal. ?I am a GOOD mommy for providing a good, safe home for my child. I am teaching my child that a woman can have a family and work and be good at both. ?I am there for my family. ?I do (insert endless list of things I have no doubt you do for your DC). ?I am doing the right thing for my family, so thppppbbt to you, guilt trip - go take a long walk off a short..."?
You need to use the mental equivalent of 'find and replace' ?for the stuff that goes through your head. ?
And if that isn't enough, consider talking to someone. ?Your script sounds pretty self-flagellating, and that makes me think maybe you are pretty down and could use some help getting more 'up'.
?
i am sorry you feel this way (((hugs)))
seeing how you have been back to work for over a year maybe you would be happier being home and that's okay. some people need to work to feel complete and some people need to stay home - no biggie. you just need to figure out what you want/need to feel happy. i don't think dd being in daycare has anything to do with her normal toddler behavior, she is going to do those things regardless. gl!
This.
I really don't mean to be harsh here, but every few weeks, you seem to pop up and post something along these same lines. "Does anyone else feel guilty for working because [your toddler misbehaves, you had a prior miscarriage, etc. etc.]" And most people respond back, "No."
What you're feeling doesn't sound normal. I think all of us struggle with some degree of mommy guilt -- you're right, sometimes you can't just flip the switch to "happy" mode. But it doesn't seem like you have a "happy" mode at all
I really, really think you need to either get some professional help to feel good about working, or do whatever it takes to SAH. You've obviously had many many months of feeling this way, and it makes me said just to see it -- I can't imagine what it is like for you to live it. And I can't imagine what it's like for your daughter, either. She can surely sense your unhappiness. If you don't make a change for you, do it for her.
Does your company (or your DH's company) have an Employee Assistance Program? DH and I have been doing some marriage counseling recently through ours, and it has been really helpful and completely free. Worth looking into.
Best of luck to you. I hope you can find your "happy" mode. You deserve it, and so does your daughter.
Mommy to DD1 (June 2007), DS (January 2010), DD2 (July 2012), and The Next One (EDD 3/31/2015)
Yes, I honestly think that my career and job are important, and I would miss it if I were a SAHM. I have never second-guessed myself, mostly because I know we have made the right choices for our family. If I were really torn about it or constantly sad, then I might reconsider....
That is not to say I don't feel "mommy guilt" on occasion, esp. because I work weekends....I missed most of DS's hockey games on Saturday mornings this year, and I really wanted to go see him play. I miss church on Sunday mornings sometimes because I am simply too tired to meet DH and the kids for mass at 9am after working all night, and then I feel bad because we should go to church as a family. So those types of thoughts always crop up, even though I know we are doing the best thing for our kids.
If it is something that is nagging, constant, and makes you feel terrible, then I would say you need a discussion with your DH over goals/work/etc, and how to make everyone in the family happy.
Right now I am working from home, I do this every Wednesday afternoon and a few hours late in the afternoon on Tuesday's and Thursday's. My son has Autism and is in intensive and expensive therapy, so hopefully he can be successful in school and in life. I am sitting in the room next to him, while I work and he gets therapy as we speak.
I have to work, if I didn't, which I often contemplated many times during his first few years of life, he wouldn't be getting the therapy that he needs right now. Thank goodness I stayed with it. Like the pp said, you never know what unexpected things may happen in the future, whether it be the death of a spouse or unexpected medical bills.
I am working now, so my ds can have a future outside a assisted living facility. That is enough motivation for me.
I don't feel great about working and I don't understand why people think you need counseling because you would rather be home with your child. I can relate to your feelings and I think your feelings are normal. Just like some of you aren't cut out to be SAHM, some of us aren't cut out to be working moms but don't have the option to SAH. I have come to realize that I can either be depressed about the fact that I have to work, which won't do anyone any good or I can be positve and happy about my life and get excited about the upcoming school year. There is nothing I can do about our situation right now so why dwell on it?
I'm sure your toddler is going through normal toddler behavior, don't worry about that, just try to stay positive, and think happy thoughts, and cherish every moment you have with your family. Good luck, I hope it gets easier for you!
I think a job change is in order. It helped me tremendously- but even teh best jobs have bad days and that's perfectly ok. I find that I truly loathe my job and miss DD absurdly when i'm overly tired. Much like my toddler
I need more sleep sometimes than I get. SO I say "screw it" to the messy house, dishes, the dinner I intended to cook and get pizza and go to bed 20 minutes after i put my DD down. It has helped me a lot to do this about once a week. I feel I get to reset myself.
If not a job change, what about a daycare change? Could that be part of the problem. I COMPLETELY relate if you're not 100% happy with your kid's care (or even 75% happy : ) it can be draining.
Honestly, I miss DD a lot and sometimes feel guilty but overall I know I'm doing what's best for my family. It does sound like you constsantly beat yourself up about this. I do think counseling could help. I'm not saying you need counseling because you'd rather be a SAHM. I'm saying you either need to find a way to change your situation or find a way to accept it for what it is without beating yourself up.
I sense that if you were a SAHM you'd feel the same way and be just as unhappy. Your mindset, as posted above, is in a negative place and not a positive place (i.e. your glass is half empty and not half full).
Given that, your life and your daughter's is going to fly by very quickly. One day you'll wake up and realize that you never fully enjoyed this time in your life because you spent your hours coveting other people's lives. Additionally, I can only imagine what this is doing to your husband and your marriage.
If you find yourself spending more time beating yourself up and being sad v. laughing and fully living in the moment, then it is time to get therapy. It is all in the mindset. Go read The Art of Happiness.
If you were a SAHM and your kid bites/hits (typical toddler behavior that's inevitable), would you think that your kid is misbehaving because you're an inept SAHM mom? [fill in the blank answer]. Then why would you think so bc you're a WM?
I sense that you're just very unhappy no matter what the situation is, and you probably need help.