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Adoption
Here's a HTT for you
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/1/19435845/ShowThread.aspx
What are your thoughts? Not the original question, per se, but the way it morphs in the responses.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Here's a HTT for you
I personally don't think it is as simple as some of the posters are making it out to be and I don't think it is necessarily racist for two white parents with all white family members to not feel as though they would be comfortable adopting a black baby. They may love the child but obviously there are racial issues that will come up at some point and not all parents just given their own backgrounds feel as though it is something they can handle. I don't think it is wrong either way. Some people have what it takes, some don't. For those who don't, I think it is far better that they're willing to admit it to themselves rather than going forward with an adoption that they aren't comfortable with --that isn't fair to the child at all.
I am opening myself up to flames, but I get really pissed off at people who are so self righteous about things like this.
From my personal perspective, I personally am glad that I resemble my family. I am intensely private and was even when I was younger and I think it would have been hard if every person who looked at me with my parents knew I was adopted. It isn't that I'm ashamed of being adopted but in general, I don't want to deal with questions unless it is someone I know and am close to.
Lol. I was just going to come over here and post this! I think the responses will be interesting and insightful.
Excellent response! It's just too easy to make?judgments?about other people's decisions, when in reality the reasons are probably much, much more complex than you can ever imagine. Every family has to figure out what is right for them.?
How did I know this was going to end up over here?
I agree completely. And also, I said this over there, but this goes for special needs children as well.
This might be oversimplifying but know your limits...especially when it comes to a child. ?
This. 100%.
When did knowing your resources/abilities become racist or discriminatory? As we often say here, it's not about us, it's about the child. If I do not feel that I can properly raise a child because I cannot obtain or educate myself on his/her culture (which is so multi-faceted, we could go on and on about what this includes all day long) or do not have the emotional or physical resources to support them (whether it's because of the color of their skin or some mental/physical condition they have), that doesn't make me a bad person. That makes me an honest one, who can admit what I am able and unable to do, and makes me a better parent to the child I am capable of raising.
But there was a lot of talk in that post about if it was their last resort, and if they really wanted a child. Little talk of the child's best interest.
OMG, yes! (That sounded really Valley girl ;D) Overall a lack of understanding why people might come to adoption. ?
Def not a simple matter.
DH and I were open to all kinds of races at first (when we tried to adopt). Then we decided maybe not as much AA simply because it was the most different from us, and we thought it might be easier for a child to look MORE like us, for them not us. I know many people adopted who have a hard time having such dark skin in such a white family, which we have.
Now we have an AA foster child and we could care less what color his skin is (very dark brown).
We are by no means racists (i would hope that would be obvious), but we still were less for AA in the beginning of our adoption journey.
I have friends who planned to adopt and wanted a CC child. Also not racist and plan to adopt outside their race down the future.
But they were dealing with giving up on the hope of birthing a blond hair/blue eyed/curly haired child was hard for them. That's what they looked like as children and they had that vision of what their kids would look like. It was hard to walk away from that.
In the end they did get pg through their last IVF and had blonde haired/blue eyed/curly haired boys. Now they plan to adopt outside their race.
It wasn't a racist thing, it was a healing thing for them.
I think I'm rambling... but it irks me how simplified people try to make it.
I wonder if this in reverse happens for some parents who are willing to adopt transracially. By adopting a child that looks nothing like them they are not looking at that child as a substitute for the bio baby they were unable to have.
I have to think that the area of the country and your family background would impact if it were a correct choice for your family =/= racist, if it would be a poor background for the child to grow up in.
i think both are ignorant but i don't think people should go out of their way to adopt ethnically diverse children just to prove they're open-minded. one of the responses on that post bothers me:
ADOPTION- i think it is easier on the parents if they decide to not tell the child that they are adopted if they at least have the same skin color as the parents do (no matter what color)
why would someone think it's appropriate to permanently withhold that kind of information from a child? it's not your information to keep from him. i understand waiting until he can understand certain elements of it and keeping it age-appropriate but just never telling him is not ok.
i think both are ignorant but i don't think people should go out of their way to adopt ethnically diverse children just to prove they're open-minded. one of the responses on that post bothers me:
ADOPTION- i think it is easier on the parents if they decide to not tell the child that they are adopted if they at least have the same skin color as the parents do (no matter what color)
why would someone think it's appropriate to permanently withhold that kind of information from a child? it's not your information to keep from him. i understand waiting until he can understand certain elements of it and keeping it age-appropriate but just never telling him is not ok.
+sorry for double post, i edited and it reposted.
The inarticulate nature of most of the posters made my head hurt too badly to even think about responding. But I did like the response from the woman who said no-one ever noticed or commented on interracial families.
Tell that to my AA neighbor who was asked whether she nannys for any other kids (when with her bio daughter), and that no-one would ever believe it's hers.