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Adoption
Hi - Question regarding medical issues (long)
My dh was adopted when he was 2 weeks old. He doesn't know anything about his birth parents - other than his adoptive mother telling him his mother was "a WASP from West Virginia" and his dad was a married marine (very helpful info!). DH never had a desire to know anything about his birth parents - but every now and then would ask his mother about his heritage (he is curious and as he's gotten older he realizes the importance of knowing medical history).
Fast forward - last year when I was pregnant with ds we had a genetic scare in the 1st trimester. We opted for a CVS test and found out, thank goodness, all was ok. DS is happy and healthy. But it scared us - we don't know anything about DH's medical/family history. I'm afraid to get pregnant again - I'm afraid of another genetic scare/testing/etc. I'm also worried for my ds - I would like to know what diseases/traits/etc. run in my DH's birth parents families.
DH's mother is older, and not in great health. She gets very aggitated when DH brings up the topic of opening the adoption file - in Washington DC both the birth parents and adoptive parents have to sign a release. So, even though we tried (with the help of my brother who is an attorney) - we cannot find out any information about DH without his mother's cooperation.
Should I continue the "fight"? I really don't think she understands the importance of knowing the medical issues. And beyond that, my DH wants to know what he is (German/Russian/Polish - whatever!) and wants to be able to pass on information/heritage to our son. He backs off easily (very attached to his mother) and even though he agrees with my stance, he doesn't push hard enough.
What are your thoughts? Am I over-reacting about the importance of the medical history?
TIA
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hi - Question regarding medical issues (long)
We are adopting currently and have little to no information on the history of the birthparents.
We know that know but I would be scared if she got sick and we needed info.. I would be crazy and praying a lot.
Have you your DH tried to explain that it is for health reasons to his mother?
Yep - he's tried to tell he that HE wants to know and the he wants the info for our son as well (her only grandchild). She just keeps saying "don't worry about it"
Hi, and welcome. You're in a tough spot, for sure.
Let me start out by saying that I think it will be difficult for us to give you an opinion from your mother-in-law's point of view, because adoptions nowadays are so different, in that they are generally expected to be at least semi-open. Most adoptive parents of today research and prepare themselves for all the outcomes of open adoptions, and decide what types of relationships with the birth family they feel comfortable with. Therefore it's hard for to imagine coming at this from a mindframe of a completely closed adoption, with all the fears and concerns his mother must harbor.
Yes, medical information is important, and you husband is curious about his roots. But, in the end, I think your husband is really the one here who has to decide how much to push the issue with his mother. It's obvious he doesn't want to hurt her, and he may feel that if he's been okay this long without medical information, your children will be, too.
I think the prudent thing is to talk with your husband about the issue, and express your concerns and fears to him. After all, this information affects you, too, and you should be able to weigh in on the decision. In the end, though, I do think that this is something on which he has to come to terms with his mother. If you push the issue, you will only be seen as the one who opened up the hurt and pushed both of them unwillingly into it. (And in the end, if the biological family hasn't opened up the information from their end, you will still be in the same position you are now.)
One more thing to think about: there may be a possibility that his mother knows more than she's telling, and she may be trying to protect him from finding something out. I'm not saying that he's not entitled to the information, but she loves him, and if she really is trying to keep him from getting hurt, he may regret opening up his past.
I wish you all the best. I know it is difficult and sometimes scary not to have medical information, and hope it works out in a way where you can all be comfortable soon.
If you're really that worried, see if you can find a genetic counselor.
Really, other than ruling our Cystic Fibrosis and a couple of other things based on blood tests, there's not much that an oral medical history (which is notoriously unreliable) can add. And what are you going to do with the information?
It seems that you want your husband to get this information in order to make YOURSELF feel better, and he doesn't share that. So I'd examine why you feel the need to know these things.
I think it's more important to try to understand the emotions behind your MIL's decision and how your DH might feel about it. Adoption is complicated and knowing your cultural background and health history is important but not at the expense of family relationships.
Another thing to ask yourself, what would you do with this information once you had it? Would it change any of your decisions? Is there another way to get this information besides going back through the adoption/birth parents (i.e. genetic counseling, blood tests, etc)?
Thanks!