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Foster Parents - do you ever withhold info??

MyColonyNJMyColonyNJ
in Adoption

This post mght be totally rambled, so bear with me.

Lil J is supposed to have a visit each week.  Since his mom lives out of state and very far away (and has no car and no job), my state has been paying for her transportation.

The total trip is kinda expensive and if there are issues with the state's payment to her, she cancells the visit.  She has no job and I guess no other way of getting any kind of money to pay for the transportation.

Now, mind you - the payment is currently not a court ordered thing, just something the caseworker submits.  So, the visit has been cancelled several times for this reason alone.

So, I have stopped telling Lil J that there will be a visit.  I only tell him once the aide calls me to tell me that they are a few minutes away.  He does NOT have any emotional response to a visit at all, so it is not like he is upset that he does not have a visit.  But, as is common in most 3 yr olds - once you tell him, he asks about it every 2 minutes. 

In the past, if I told him, and then the visit was cancelled, I would just say "not today honey"  and he would just take that as a fact.  end of story.

Once in our training classes, we were told not to lie to the kids.  If a visit is cancelled, then tell the kids that it was cancelled.  I am sure they would not foster parents to go into DETAILS, but just to say "mom could not make it"

I think it would cause a lot of harm to say (for example) "you mom cancelled her visit cause she is a total deadbeat and does not want to make the trip"

So, I am just curious - if your foster children are not infants/babies, do you leave out details that are not really need to know???

I know this turned out long, and i think I am doing the right thing for Lil J....just wanted to see if others had similar situations.

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Re: Foster Parents - do you ever withhold info??

  • GLynn2009GLynn2009

    I don't know since I am not a foster parent.

    I think what you are doing is good for now. When he gets older and ask more question then you can tell more. For a divorce stituation te kids can get hurt when tell are told something is going to happen than it does not and you are the one left to pick-up the pieces.

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  • come*on*babycome*on*baby
    We withhold what we think we need to - like when mom got beat up. However, BM frequently "makes things up" to tell the oldest. We got clearance through our director to just tell her the truth and that she needs to know. Example - mom told her she was "in classes" when really she was in rehab. That was something that the child needed to understand so she knew mom is getting better. We told her and she was happy with our answer.
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  • Sally JSally J member

    My sister was 4 when we were placed in foster care for a few months.  My mother routinely missed her visits.  After we were back with my dad after the foster home, my mother would call and tell all of us she would come over and then not show up.  My dad never said one bad word about my mother (although I'm sure he thought it) and I think that was the best response he could have had.  He was just honest and straightforward, but did not state an opinion about my mother's behavior.

    Since I was 11, I could understand that my mother was just unreliable.  However at 4, it was heart breaking for my sister since she didn't understand why her mom lied to her.  It caused a lot of emotional issues for my sister at that age, many of which she still deals with today at age 23.

    I say withold at certain ages because it can be more painful to be let down then to not know in the first place.  However, if he asks definitely be honest with him.  I think the way you are handling it now sounds great.

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  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member
    I think what you're doing is pretty typical (and not wrong) for any situation with a child that age. My boss has a 3yo son. If they tell him a week before a trip that they're going to, say, the Crayola Factory, he asks about it constantly, and if something comes up, he's crushed. So they started telling him the morning of a trip so he has enough time to get excited about it, but it isn't a long, drawn out process.
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    imageSally J:

    I think the way you are handling it now sounds great.

    My thoughts, Sally's words.

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  • sunnybrook.sunnybrook. member
    I would handle it exactly like you. At 3yo, the child doesn't need to know nor will understand details. When my FS's parents don't show up, I just say "Mommy's not here today, but she loves you." He doesn't really have much response either. This is really all they need to know. Not going into detail is not the same as lying, esp at such a young age.
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  • RJMbimRJMbim
    imageCaptainSerious:
    imageSally J:

    I think the way you are handling it now sounds great.

    My thoughts, Sally's words.

    same

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