XP: Medical History (long)

Gina418 · July 2009

My dh was adopted when he was 2 weeks old. He doesn't know anything about his birth parents - other than his adoptive mother telling him his mother was "a WASP from West Virginia" and his dad was a married marine (very helpful info!). DH never had a desire to know anything about his birth parents - but every now and then would ask his mother about his heritage (he is curious and as he's gotten older he realizes the importance of knowing medical history).

Fast forward - last year when I was pregnant with ds we had a genetic scare in the 1st trimester. We opted for a CVS test and found out, thank goodness, all was ok. DS is happy and healthy. But it scared us - we don't know anything about DH's medical/family history. I'm afraid to get pregnant again - I'm afraid of another genetic scare/testing/etc. I'm also worried for my ds - I would like to know what diseases/traits/etc. run in my DH's birth parents families.

DH's mother is older, and not in great health. She gets very aggitated when DH brings up the topic of opening the adoption file - in Washington DC both the birth parents and adoptive parents have to sign a release. So, even though we tried (with the help of my brother who is an attorney) - we cannot find out any information about DH without his mother's cooperation.

Should I continue the "fight"? I really don't think she understands the importance of knowing the medical issues. And beyond that, my DH wants to know what he is (German/Russian/Polish - whatever!) and wants to be able to pass on information/heritage to our son. He backs off easily (very attached to his mother) and even though he agrees with my stance, he doesn't push hard enough.

What are your thoughts? Am I over-reacting about the importance of the medical history?

TIA

Buckets of Moonbeams · July 2009

I don't really think it's your fight to open up. It's up to your H and if it were really important to him he'd be able to push harder with his mom.

Medical history is importnant, but I don't think it's really a deal breaker or a reason to not have kids. Your LO turned out genetically typical, right? Those early tests have looooooots of false positive results, which is the precise reason many people, myself included, decline them.

Lucky_Dragonfly · July 2009

if your H really wants to know then he needs to make sure that hiss mother knows how important it is to him

philosoraptor · July 2009

What a stupid law. Sorry, that's all I have to contribute. Sounds like he needs to be more assertive with his mother (and that there could be a Jack Nicholson-esque aspect to the real story IMO).

CelticWife · July 2009

If it is important to your husband, i think he should?pursue?it. If his mother doesn't want to open that file, then the two of you can visit a geneticist to see if either of you carry markers for some defects.

Medical histories are important, but they don't tell you everything. They are also very recent; your medical history probably only goes back two generations (at the most), so you don't have a complete picture anyway.

Some things are just random and happen regardless of family history. I was born with a congenital heart defect, even though there is no family history of it. My friend had breast cancer, even though no one else in her family has ever had cancer. I know a family where both parents carry the gene for tay-sachs, but neither of their two children have it or the gene.?

DG1 · July 2009

This is a little morose, but can he wait until his mother dies and then ask to open the file? I mean, surely there are exceptions to the "everyone must sign" if one of the parties is deceased.

I agree with the PP about visiting a genetic counselor, though.

yoko589 · July 2009

I can understand where you are coming from but at the same time, you need to respect DH's decision. If he wants to find out badly enough, he will. My DH hasn't seen his father since he was 3 and was raised by his step father. He has expressed a desire to find his dad but has never really done much to find him. I think he is scared because he doesn't know if his dad even wants to see him or anything. Rejection is hard for anybody. Your DH doesn't want to upset his mother and he could be a little scared of what he might find out. You shouldn't not have any more children just because you don't know his medical background. There could be some things in your family that you don't know about. Don't stress about it.

pixiedustie · July 2009

If it is your DH who wants the information and he truly wants it himself without your persuasion then you should support him. Maybe you can help him find a gentle way to approach his Mom. If it is you who wants the information and you are the one pushing for it I would say let it go. If you feel the need get genetic testing, you don't know if his bio-parents would want to talk to him even if his Mom is okay with it.

I have a friend whose husband is adopted and she was the one who wanted to know his bio parents, she was the one pushing for him to find out about his past. Finally through a lot of arguments, hurt feelings, and counseling, she learned that she needed to let it go, it was not his past not hers.

akiernan · July 2009

As an adoptee, I think its not that big of a deal. *shrug*

Let your DH make the decision himself, and support his decision.

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