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s/o Race Relations...

Judah'sMommyJudah'sMommy
in Babies: 9 - 12 Months

For any minorities -- do you feel the need to be extra "good" so that you can prove you aren't some sort of hoodlum?

For example:

-When I was pregnant I refused to remove my wedding ring even though it was too tight because I didn't want to look like I was a single mom and have old ladies give me pitiful looks in the grocery store.

-DH and I always tip extra well even when the service is awful because we don't want to perpetuate any sort of sterotype that black folks don't tip.

I think it's sad that I feel the need to prove myself this way, but there you have it...

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Re: s/o Race Relations...

  • SunndraggonSunndraggon member

    I think it is a terrible shame that you feel like you have to do these types of things. Aside from the collective free world deciding to stop being ignorant fools, is there any way to break the cycle that your children will know they are good enough just the way they are and not feel like they need to disprove stereo-types? Have yoi thought about ways to do this?

    Race aside, i think we all have our insecurities- I bought a fake weding band a size up to wear while pg. I look young and i hated that people might think i was an unwed teen mother!

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  • J+OJ+O
    It didn't involve race, it was ageism... when I pregnant I did the same thing with my wedding band because I didn't want anyone to think I was some young girl knocked up and all that other crap. ?It was stupid looking back and I shouldn't have cared... and I'm kind of ashamed to admit that.?
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  • mmerumeaummerumeau
    I must admit that I do things like that sometimes.  Not the tipping thing, but certainly the wedding ring thing.  I understand completely.  It is a shame that we sometimes feel we have to do these things to be good representatives.  I, however, think our new first family has given the entire country a different view of the black family.  By the way, I love the pic!  So cute.
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  • happilyhishappilyhis member
    I do it. It's common knowledge that you have to do it from time to time, especially in situations where you are the only or one of very few minorities. Prime example is putting on the cheery-cheerleader attitude at work so I'm not the angry black woman. Yet, I still get comments (supposedly jokingly) like, "Oh, don't try to get that past happilyhis, she'll tell you off, ha ha friggin ha" although I have NEVER told anyone off in the 5 years I've worked here.
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  • jen_k2jen_k2

    When I was pregnant I refused to remove my wedding ring even though it was too tight because I didn't want to look like I was a single mom and have old ladies give me pitiful looks in the grocery store.

    What's wrong w/being a single mom? I left my ex_H a month after DD was born & gladly took off my wedding ring. No one gave me looks of pity.

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  • Judah'sMommyJudah'sMommy
    imagejen_k2:

    When I was pregnant I refused to remove my wedding ring even though it was too tight because I didn't want to look like I was a single mom and have old ladies give me pitiful looks in the grocery store.

    What's wrong w/being a single mom? I left my ex_H a month after DD was born & gladly took off my wedding ring. No one gave me looks of pity.

    Nothing is wrong with being a single mom per se.  My point was more "Oh look, another knocked up black chick.  Wonder if she knows who her babydaddy is?  I bet she's on welfare and is gonna be a drain on society." 

    The point is that those are the types of thoughts I fear...

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  • mmerumeaummerumeau

    happilyhis - why is that the cutest little jacket ever!?

    The angry black woman stereotype is the perfect example.  I do the same thing at work. 

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  • ABMcKinneyABMcKinney
    imageJudah'sMommy:
    imagejen_k2:

    Nothing is wrong with being a single mom per se.  My point was more "Oh look, another knocked up black chick.  Wonder if she knows who her babydaddy is?  I bet she's on welfare and is gonna be a drain on society." 

    The point is that those are the types of thoughts I fear...

    Those types of thoughts come from people who aren't worth your time or your thoughts/energy.

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  • chadprncesschadprncess member
    I have to admit that I did the same thing when I was pregnant.  I also feel that I have to prove I'm educated (master's) as well.  Not to brag, but so other people feel comfortable.  Its sad but it is what it is. 
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  • SunndraggonSunndraggon member
    imageJudah'sMommy:
    imagejen_k2:

    When I was pregnant I refused to remove my wedding ring even though it was too tight because I didn't want to look like I was a single mom and have old ladies give me pitiful looks in the grocery store.

    What's wrong w/being a single mom? I left my ex_H a month after DD was born & gladly took off my wedding ring. No one gave me looks of pity.

    Nothing is wrong with being a single mom per se.  My point was more "Oh look, another knocked up black chick.  Wonder if she knows who her babydaddy is?  I bet she's on welfare and is gonna be a drain on society." 

    The point is that those are the types of thoughts I fear...

    I am not quite sure how to say this without sounding like a racist jerk, but that is NOT my intention. And i know there are idiots out there who do think those things about people simply based on the color of their skin. But, do you think it is as many people as you think it is? Doesn't your acting the way you do to only serve to perpetuate the ignorance, as opposed to decrease it, not to mention add unnecessary stress to yourself ? Maybe as a white person it is easy to say this, but if you know you are a good, hardworking person, why feed into other peoples idiocy? Why not tip according to the service or feel free to dress down when you go to the mall. By working so hard to live above expectations, it seems like you are putting such a burden on yourself and not allowing yourself to just be who you are. Is it just not possible to say "screw what people think"?

    I wish i could express this better.

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  • Mrs.BibleMrs.Bible member

    imagehappilyhis:
    I do it. It's common knowledge that you have to do it from time to time, especially in situations where you are the only or one of very few minorities. Prime example is putting on the cheery-cheerleader attitude at work so I'm not the angry black woman. Yet, I still get comments (supposedly jokingly) like, "Oh, don't try to get that past happilyhis, she'll tell you off, ha ha friggin ha" although I have NEVER told anyone off in the 5 years I've worked here.

    This exactly here at work...I am the only minority in the corporate office besides our cooks in the kitchen....

    the more things change the more they stay the same...

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  • happilyhishappilyhis member
    imageSunndraggon:
    I am not quite sure how to say this without sounding like a racist jerk, but that is NOT my intention. And i know there are idiots out there who do think those things about people simply based on the color of their skin. But, do you think it is as many people as you think it is? Doesn't your acting the way you do to only serve to perpetuate the ignorance, as opposed to decrease it, not to mention add unnecessary stress to yourself ? Maybe as a white person it is easy to say this, but if you know you are a good, hardworking person, why feed into other peoples idiocy? Why not tip according to the service or feel free to dress down when you go to the mall. By working so hard to live above expectations, it seems like you are putting such a burden on yourself and not allowing yourself to just be who you are. Is it just not possible to say "screw what people think"?

    I wish i could express this better.

    LOL you mean well, you really do. Unfortunately, it is a matter of survival. Sure, I could voice my negative opinion forcefully when I feel it is appropriate and called for, as many of my white colleagues do every day, but it might cost me the next time the head count needs to be reduced. It will be discussed at review time, and at promotion time, Suzie Ann will get kudos for "assertiveness and confidence" but I will get a "reputation for being difficult to work with" when my name comes up. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

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  • MrsoshMrsosh member
    imageSunndraggon:

    I think it is a terrible shame that you feel like you have to do these types of things. Aside from the collective free world deciding to stop being ignorant fools, is there any way to break the cycle that your children will know they are good enough just the way they are and not feel like they need to disprove stereo-types? Have yoi thought about ways to do this?

    Maybe it was the choice of words, but this question just rubs me the wrong way.  Of course I know I'm good enough and my children will know they are good enough!  That doesn't change the fact that many people will make judgements about me before they even know me based on my skin color. 

    I also make sure I wear my wedding band when I am out with DS so people don't assume that I'm a single mom.  I try not to live up to the "angry black woman" stereotype at work also.  Since I am the only black person in my workplace, I feel the need to always represent myself well.  Oh and it has nothing to do with insecurity...it is, as a pp mentioned, a matter of survival.

    Happily Married since 7/2006
    DC #1 10/2008 TTC #2 since 1/2010
    Natural miscarriage @ 5w3d 1/2011 Chemical pregnancy 4/2011     Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickersLilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • Judah'sMommyJudah'sMommy
    imageSunndraggon:
    I am not quite sure how to say this without sounding like a racist jerk, but that is NOT my intention. And i know there are idiots out there who do think those things about people simply based on the color of their skin. But, do you think it is as many people as you think it is? Doesn't your acting the way you do to only serve to perpetuate the ignorance, as opposed to decrease it, not to mention add unnecessary stress to yourself ? Maybe as a white person it is easy to say this, but if you know you are a good, hardworking person, why feed into other peoples idiocy? Why not tip according to the service or feel free to dress down when you go to the mall. By working so hard to live above expectations, it seems like you are putting such a burden on yourself and not allowing yourself to just be who you are. Is it just not possible to say "screw what people think"?

    I wish i could express this better.

    I agree with HH that I know you mean well.  I agree with her reasoning, and I actually take it a step further.  Maybe it's the indoctrination of having gone to an HBCU where they stressed that we had to be the best of the best, but I also feel a responsibility to try to change even those few minds who might have those thoughts, KWIM?  There is so much negative in the media and elsewhere about black people, that I try to set a good example of what most of us are really like.  It is probably hard to understand if you are from a race where you only have to be individually, not collectively, responsible for the good or bad things that you do.

    ETA: HBCU = Historically Black Colleges and Universities.  I forgot everyone might not know what that means. lol

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