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Adoption
My friend and her daughter may be moving in with us?
I'm so sorry that this is so long so and its not Adoption related at all but I know I can count on you ladies for good advise so even if you read in parts I understand but please read it and help me out here.
I have a friend with a 13 month old baby who recently seperated from her baby's dad because of physical abuse, she and the baby moved in with her mother.
It was never an ideal situation because her mother was never happy about my friend's realtionship or pregnancy to the extent that she hardly even warmed up to the baby and also took every oppurtunity to tell my friend "I told you so."
She will not babysit her grand daughter if my friend has to go anywhere (unless its work, and she has to be in a really good mood to even do that), my friend works shift and she will not even swing by to pick her up from day care even though it's about 10 minutes from their home- all in all it's been hell.
It's gotten worse since my friend has started actually speaking up for herself and taking time to take care of her appearance etc she and her mother have logged heads as a result; the "last" straw was yesterday when after my friend put down (the agreed upon) financial contribution her mother asked for an extra couple hundred because she wanted to get her hair and nails done and my friend said she couldn't because she had other responsibilities (she takes care of the baby herself).
The result? Last night my friend's daughter was pushed away by her grand mother and told "Don't touch me you piece of filth you look just like them." and this morning my friend's mom woke her up at 3 a.m (she would have gotten up at 5 for work) and told her that when she was leaving for work to take the baby with her or she would be sitting in hot water scalded and alone by the time she got off.
This breaks my heart and I'm sorry this post is so long but I wanted to make sure you knew the whole situation.
She calls and tells me all this in tears this morning and wants to stay with me- this should be a no brainer right? But her daughter has 0 discipline she is beyond destructive and my friend doesn't beleive in discipline and while I may be able to handle this (to a degree) I'm really not sure that DH can.
My friend allows her daughter to pick up anything and slam it into the floor- two weeks ago it was an antique vase my mom gave me, we had all went to a friend's house last month and she let her run crazy in these people's home and destroy several fruit baskets and almost pull down their T.V; DH had to be the one to run and grab her and the television, a while back she watched her dig up all of the flowers in my MIL's garden and all the while she's sitting there "Rya don't do that."
What am I supposed to do here? I really want to help my friend because her situation is so sad and she has no other family here (her mom and her moved her from St.Lucia 6 years ago), she has no real friends and no money to rent a place on her own; and even if she did have the $$ she's satated that she can't manage the baby alone.
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Re: My friend and her daughter may be moving in with us?
I don't know about where you live, but in my state under foster to adopt, she would have to pass the background checks and be approved to live in my home before she could move in. You could always use that as an "excuse."
As to whether or not you should let her, I would say that's totally between you and your husband. It sounded to me as if you answered your own question in your post though.
It's okay to feel badly for someone, but not be able to help them. Every situation you described (outside of her mother being awful) is one she has created herself through her own decisions. Sometimes we have to suffer the consequences of those choices in order to make better decisions and change our circumstances.
I don't even think we have shelters in Barbados...we have programs I beleive but I think that's about it, I can look in to it tomorrow though...
I feel for ya! I know you have a great heart... but do what's best for not only you, but your family. Sounds like it's not ideal by any means to have them living with you if you have a foster child.
And just remember, it's MUCH harder to get them to move out once they live with you than it is to just say no in the begining.
Personally I would do research for her on other options, maybe take her to a nice lunch and share some options with her. I would simply say that with my foster placement, there would be too many issues with having someone else in the home.
Wish you the best!
But if your friend doesn't know this then it would still work as an excuse.
It's a terrible situation that you are in and I wish I had somet kind of useful advice.. Do you have some place to put her that would keep her separate from your part of the house- to keep her daughter from destroying the house (and that might encourage her to find another place to live)? And wnat about babysitting? It sounds like your friend expected her mother to take care of her daughter, would she try to do the same to you??
It's difficult to say no, but you do have to do what is best for your family, and your sanity. Could you lend her money or something to help her get into a place of her own so that you would worry less?
Something else to think about -- you are still in the midst of adjusting to mommyhood and bonding with Savannah. Having a stressful houseguest may prolong the bonding process and further add stress to your 'new normal'.
I have a friend that is similar and although I would love to rescue her, especially because she has 3 little ones, I've learned the hard way that it's better to be a friend from a bit of a distance. I give her tons of advice and ideas on how to solve her problems, different resources she can check out, and I've lent her a little money here and there. Mostly though, I've helped her network with positive people and bought groceries for her kids. I think this kind of help has gone much further, since she has recently been doing pretty well.
Good luck!
I try my hardest not to lie to anyone so that's not an option.
Nope no where seperate so the "terror" will run wild. She came over yesterday and that put stuff really in perspective, it was a like a hurricane came through but I think that she saw the look of "pisstivity" on my face and she did try to put a handle on her.
I know my family should always be 1st but you didn't see her crying and throwing up and begging me to just let her stay until she find a place, I just dunno what to do!
I don't think she wanted her mom to babysit in unreasonable circumstances so in situations when she can do no better I honestlly wouldn't mind helping out a little.
I wish I had money to lend myself lol so no unfortunately I don't have it to even loan her.
I still haven't told her yes or no...
Yeah especially in the emotional state I'm in right now that's part of what is also scaring me wonky but I can't just do nothing
I got laid off a few weeks and hence cant give her any $$, advise won't put a roof over her head and Barbados (I checked) has no shelter with available room etc- or anything for her to go to.
She wants to me to let her stay here for a "while" until she can save up just enough to pay a 1st month's and security for their own place. Her argument is that my house isn't "baby proofed" but growing up mine wasn't either, my mother and father instilled in us not to touch things that din't concern us; we knew how important it was to respect what our parents and adults said to us and how important it was to respect other people's property.
Yesterday she came over and my dad was in shock, but her daughter will listen to me she jsut doesn't listen to her- does that mean there's hope?
Make sure you ask yourself some tough questions. Would you regret helping your friend if it prolonged your (possible) PAD, strained your marriage, or prolonged the time it will take to fully bond with your DD? Could helping your friend put you or your family at risk in any way, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially?
Would you regret NOT helping your friend if something happened to her or her child? Which one would you regret more? Will this help your friend get on her feet and make changes in her life or will this further enable her poor decision making? Are you able to be direct with your friend so that if something happens you can speak up?
Is there another way you can help, but not have her live with you? Can you babysit for her to make sure her child is safe? Offer to have her over for dinner or to stay the night one weekend to just get away/save money on food?
If you decide this is the right thing to help your friend, I think it's very important to set boundaries and stick to them. Set up front how long the stay will entail (help her set up a budget so she knows how long it will take her to save enough for a deposit), what the house rules are (visitors, discipline, coming/going hours, etc), what the expectation of compensation is (groceries, bills, rent, if something gets broken/ruined), and that if at any time you decide the arrangement is no longer working she needs to have a back up plan.
Another thing--when I helped my friend during a difficult time, I expressed my concerns to my DH. I was a bit reluctant to help her, so I left the decision to him since he was less emotionally involved than I was. We ended up helping her. What does your SO say?