I know none of us have teens but I need help with one...

sommerrayne · July 2009

Without making this a novel of a post (which I'm good at), I need any assistance I can get. I have a barely 16 year old sister (whom I raised to school age since my mother and her father weren't around) who has been living with us for the summer but is scheduled to go back home next week and is going back to a very bad situation. Our homelife has never been great and would even be classified as abusive but rarely towards her. She's the "forgotten" one, the one who is ignored and passed by without a concern. For her, this has been partially beneficial because I was the beat one (I'm the step/half child in the family) - at least she escaped that.

Our brother is the golden child who can do no wrong. My family has gone into serious debt to provide him whatever his heart desires. Private school (that they wouldn't allow my sister to attend because, "you'd just waste our money - you're not smart enough"), sending him abroad in his 11th grade year for the entire year (at least 40K spent there), brand new car when he returned from abroad, etc. etc. etc.

My family has always been a financial train wreck but its reaching a new low. They've sold, and downsized, their living quarters on a number of occasions and now they're resorting to extorting money from our brother's part-time job paychecks. He is being ORDERED to give over all of his pay to them because they have zero dollars.

My mom is mental. Like certifiably crazy. Her father was, her mother was, she is, etc. She is extremely vain, has narcessistic personality disorder, and has borderline personality disorder.

My mom gave me a 66.00 check (she owed me for something I bought on her behalf) and I tried to cash it the day after her payday and it bounced.

Anyway, my mother is now threatening (to me only) to pull my sister out of private school (she barked enough and got in last year and is FLOURISHING there - it is the BEST thing that has ever happened to her). My husband and I have decided that we are going to pay for school if that, indeed, becomes a reality. We sat my sister down and explained what could potentially happen and told her that no matter what - NO MATTER WHAT - we will do whatever we can to ensure she finishes at the private school. And we can make that happen financially.

[bleh, this is so complex that my post can't be short - gah!]

Anyway, so my sister knows that her school funding is secure. She also knows the crap that's going on at home and is having major anxiety about it. The kid is already on Prozac for self injuring actions (she bites her tounge so badly that it is cut in several places and bleeds horribally) and the prozac doesn't seem to be helping. She is an extremely resilliant girl. She has pretty decent coping techniques, etc. But this is a lot to handle.

I'm wondering if anyone has any book suggestions (she loves to read) for dealing with this kind of thing? I've looked up Anxiety books for teens but it just comes up with things like "how to cope with everyday stresses" which I think is beneficial but these aren't just everyday stresses....and I'm worried such a generalized book would be too vauge and not helpful.

Any input?

Stacyc625 · July 2009

have you ever thought of either looking into becoming her legal guardian- or having her emmancipated?

I only ask- because i have experience with both situations. I was emancipated (through the courts) and later became both of my sisters' legal guardians.

That might help her a whole lot more than a book.

would also suggest her talking to someone at school- maybe a counselor about the anxiety.

you can always PM me- if you want some more details.

sommerrayne · July 2009

I have no only thought about it, dreamed about it but also spoken to a lawyer about it. The thing is, when you're dealing with mental illness, mental/verbal/emotional abuse and alcoholism - those are very hard things to PROVE to a court. Not only that but my brother would defend them to the hilt and he'd be a "successful child" coming from their rearing.

That said, my sister doesn't want to move here. I'm 2000 miles from her home, her friends, the school she WANTS to attend.

I'd love nothing more than to yank her from that situation and try to "save" her but the reality is - she just wants to survive them, get through HER school, and move on. Obviously this isn't ideal but I'd never win and I don't want to push something that she doesn't want. Going through all of that would completely hijack her high school career - she'd become a martyr for a cause rather than just a kid doing what a kid does.

She's just turned 16, she is still in the child-like state of wanting her parents to love her, accept her, etc. and can't understand why they are unable to do so. She's also very close with her father (which creeps me out) and she feels bad for him.

I know a book isn't a cure all, end all to this situation, I'm just trying to abide by HER wishes while creating and fostering the most healthy and stable situation possible.

Daisy77 · July 2009

I agree with looking into become her legal guardian. I'm not sure what it all involves, but it may be a step that would make her feel more secure, you know?

Also, can you speak to a couselor at the school for some recommendations? DD#2 was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and the IEP team at the school had some many great book recommendations for both DD and us.

I thing that anxiety books are hard to find....it's thrown in with depression and kind of gets lost. I hope you find something that works for your sister!!

taylormillgirl · July 2009

I actually do have a teen- a daughter who just turned 16 this month.

Anyway, I'd suggest contacting your county's mental health department. Many of them provide counseling with fees on a sliding scale, so you wouldn't pay much, if anything. I imagine therapy will help more than any book, but if there is a particular collection of info, they could recommend the best one for your situation.

ETA: I just read your follow-up. I thought this sister was already living with you. If she's 2,000 miles away and has no desire to live with you, there's only so much you can do. Maybe encourage her to contact the mental health department in her county or speak with a school counselor.

sommerrayne · July 2009

She's just staying with us for the summer. She does have full access to free mental health counseling (through their insurance) and I've encouraged her to seek it out even if just to have a place to vent.

Its not that she doesn't want to live with us, obviously she prefers the sanity here, its that she doesn't want to give up her school, friends, etc. Which I can't blame her for.

littlemermaid · July 2009

Try with all your might to get her counseling in her hometown. It's great that you think she is able to cope but a person can only cope for so long before they crack.

drunkenwife · July 2009

I did a quick google search for "teen cutters" and got a few positive results for self-abuse, so you might try something along those lines. I know that cutting isn't exactly the same thing as tongue-biting, but they both stem from roughly the same place.

Stacyc625 · July 2009

honestly--- you have to weigh the lesser of the two evils. Not here to judge however being removed from this situation definitely sounds like the better of the two- no one wants to leave friends and a good school- however what is the alternative? she stays there and mutilates herself and lives with mental and alcohol addictions? I would consider stepping in. you would never forgive yourself if something worse happened.

ithadtobeyou · July 2009

I know she wants to stay there..it is comfortable, what she knows..but truly I would suggest trying to become her guardian. I was raised in a very abusive household myself..and tried for many years, even into my twenties, to try to "save" my parents from themselves..not a good situation..she might be mad for awhile, but she needs a better environment.

At the very, very least, she would know that you cared enough about her to try to get her out of there.

I also recommend that if you choose NOT to do this, that you do get her to a counselor. Whether she likes it or not, she needs it.

I would recommend looking for books by Patricia Evans..she has some good ones on abuse. Might even have one for teens. Also Boundaries for Teens. I can't remember the author right now.

J+O · July 2009

Abuse effects a whole family, and although you think she benefitted because you took the blows, she watched or heard everything and that can be just as damaging. ?She needs counseling. ?Kids don't know a thing about insurance, I would step up and make the appointment myself. ?She doesn't have someone to steer her it sounds like, and no kid knows how to go about setting something like that up, and probably would rather ignore the situation and pretend like nothing happened. ?And it does sound like the best thing would be to be removed from the situation and counseling. ? Is there anyway you could speak with your parents and actually come to an agreement about you caring for her right now? ?I would also speak to the school she attends also. ?I personally don't think any book is going to help, a good trusting counselor will though. ?There are people who specialize in anxiety issues like that. ?Have you ever heard of "fight, flight or freeze?" ?Since your sister watched the abuse or heard, she's probably in the "freeze" mode a lot... racing heart, etc. ?Your body responds to simple things as an attack. ?Ask her if her hands sweat a lot talking about the subject.... or if you speak to her about it, ask to feel her hands. ?That's a red flag she needs counseling to learn how to calm her body.

I'm so sorry you all are going through this. ?I hope you all get the help you deserve and some good will come from this.?

sommerrayne · July 2009

I really honestly, from-my-heart appreciate everyone's input and as you all know, its soooooooooooooooooo much more complicated than one little (or semi-little) post could ever explain.

A) there is no talking to my mom & her husband...for one thing, on any given day, you have no idea what "personality" you're going to encounter and it can vary from hour to hour honestly.

B)I agree with you that she'd be better off with us but there is NO way that is going to happen. My mom is wrapped in tight with the criminal justice agencies in her town (she is a therapist in the prison system and does "outreach" programs in the community) and I'd never win.

Oh as you know the list goes on and on...I am, however, going to investigate teen counselors in the next few days and make an appt with her. The biggest thing at this stage of the game is to make her feel like she's in control (something she's never had in her life) of HER PATH in this situation and she's going to be more likely to go along with the counseling, etc.

THis is all extremely wearing and exhausting....I'm not sure how I manage from day to day with all of it and then pile on my own life...(and yes, been to a million counselors...they all tell me to just cut them out of my life. So much easier said than done.)

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