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Working Moms
Slight vent: anyone travel for work?
DH travels every other week for 3 nights. So I am on full baby duty when he's gone, while I am also working during the day. It's tough when he's gone, but I get it handled, because it's the best for our family right now.
I have to travel for work once every 3 months. Usually for 2 nights. My work trips are "fun trips" but by no means a vacation, I am still working.
We have a work trip coming up in September that I want to go on. DH is already giving me grief about it... "how am I supposed to take full care of the baby while you're gone" etc... I just want to say "um, the same way I do it when YOU'RE out of town". He only has to work till 5:00 every night, but usually stays until 8:00 because he still has work to do. Daycare closes at 6:30, so he would need to pick her up by then.
DH makes about 70% of our income, but I do make a significant salary and I feel that it's important that I attend these trips and keep my face in the workforce. I already had to miss the last 2 trips because I was on maternity leave and Dr wouldn't let me fly late in my pregnancy.
Obviously I will pump enough so that he has plenty of milk, and our baby is very low maintenance, STTN, easy baby. So I think he should just suck it up and deal with it.
Thoughts?
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Re: Slight vent: anyone travel for work?
Can you do a "training run" or two between now and then? I would write down the normal routine that he'll need to know, then have him practice a few times, with you there as backup. It might sound silly, but don't we all feel more confident with a little practice?
You might be at the end of your rope, but try not to take it personally--he is probably feeling freaked out at the prospect, and needs a little reassurance and encouragement. Yes, I know, we just have to "deal" but why not make it easier on everyone? During the training runs, as long as he's not endangering DD, let him fumble through. Too much criticism from us wives seems to render men paralyzed and thinking whatever they're trying to do is not worth it.
Obviously I haven't had to go through this yet, but you have some time before September, at least. I will note that I have had to train my DH to take care of our menagerie of animals, though--he grew up without any and it was a big adjustment for him! You probably don't want to increase your DH's anxiety by telling him he needs to know how to take care of DD in case something happens to you (not even major, but I had an accident a few months ago where I ended up in the hospital for 2 days, for instance)....
Caden Reese - 8/1/06
Mackenzie Jo - 10/9/09
I think he's just going to have to deal. ?She's young, but he's her dad. ?If he's that uncomfortable, can you suggest having your mom or his mom or some other familiar person come stay and help him? ?
I really don't think you should miss a trip if it's part of your work. ?It's not a good precedent. If he has to leave early 2 nights to pick her up from daycare, it's not the end of the world.
BTW, my DH hasn't had to keep DS overnight by himself. ?I am sure he thanks his lucky stars that I never had to travel when DS was an itty bitty guy. Men can be such babies.
I gotta disagree with some of the pp's. DH took his first week-long business trip when DD was 4 weeks old. We had no family in the area to help. I was terrified. But he didn't do "training runs" with me, or worry about how I would deal. It was just expected that I knew what to do, or could figure it out. (And I did, and much like wisc.bride said, it was a turning point for DD and me.)
We moved around DD's first birthday and I took a job that requires semi-regular travel (about 1-3x/quarter). It cracks me up because we now live close enough to MIL that she can come up and help -- and when I say "help," I mean that she will happily take over to the point where DH doesn't have to do a thing for DD. He has NO idea how good he has it!
Anyway... yeah, I think your DH should just suck it up and deal with it. Certainly, do everything you can to make it as easy as possible on him (I will try to do laundry, put a meal or two in the freezer for DH and DD, etc. -- even though DH never did anything like that for me when he traveled), but ultimately, he just needs to buck up and, well, be a dad. It's two days. It's not forever.
Mommy to DD1 (June 2007), DS (January 2010), DD2 (July 2012), and The Next One (EDD 3/31/2015)
If it's only two days, yeah, he needs to deal. I think I travelled for the first time when DS was about 6 months and it's been once a month or so since then. It's hard and we were both nervous the first time, but it's always gone fine. I think it's been good for them. DH definitely feels more comfortable taking care of DS alone and they have a good time together. DS has gone through some serious mommy phases where he only wants me all the time, which made me really nervous when I had to leave. But I noticed after a trip that he'd reach for DH more often, which was nice.
I try to make things as easy as possible while I'm gone. I made sure bottles are ready and labeled as much as possible, that daycare supplies are stocked, and that there's easy food for ds. I type out schedules. I make DH dinner ahead of time, order him a pizza, or at least make sure there's frozen pizza for him.
DH can still be somewhat of a drama queen about me going on trips, but he's gotten better about it. I think he forgets sometimes that it's work and it's not like I'm out partying, but we've had a few talks about that and how he's making me feel more guilty and he's been better. LOL at ElopetoHawaii's dh taking a day off to rest. That sounds like something DH might do!
Why DIDN'T you say this?:
"um, the same way I do it when YOU'RE out of town".
I'm sorry, when both parents are working both need to learn to deal. I understand that nursing gives us a different relationship with our babies but still, dads need to man up and deal. At the same time, we need to step back and let them do it their way (and make mistakes). You can leave him a list of pointers but he needs to stop whining about having to do something you already do regularly.
I agree with the ladies who say your DH needs to deal. My DH was very lax when my twins were born, because my mother and sister helped me a lot.
He'll be fine and it's a great crash course in fatherhood. Maybe if you want to pack him some dinners so he doesn't have to worry about that. Trust me when you get back - he'll certainly appreciate how you handle it (not that he already doesn't).
I did say this basically! LOL. He's just whining... there's no option, I am going on this trip, he'll have to figure it out. He has hung out with her solo a few times in the past (girls night or hair appt or whatever) and he didn't do so well. He freaks out pretty easily when she cries, and "doesn't know what to do". Well, I didn't know either, and I learned!
AND this trip is a relatively boring one...BUT the next one is Hawaii in 6 months! Woot! That one I will probably take DH and baby with me.
LOL! My DH is not quite that bad, but... I had to travel over Election Day last year, so DH was home alone with DD. I was really confused when he voted early, i.e. the week before, when I was still at home. I asked him, "Why did you vote early? Why not just do it on Election Day, since you'll be here?" He said, "Well, I'll be alone with DD on Election Day, and I just like to keep things as simple as possible when you're gone."
Keep in mind that he voted early during the day, so it's not like he wanted to vote before or after work and didn't want to deal with having DD along. I guess it was just too much to take care of DD and vote while someone else was taking care of DD? I dunno, I just scratched my head on that one! But whatever works for him!
Mommy to DD1 (June 2007), DS (January 2010), DD2 (July 2012), and The Next One (EDD 3/31/2015)
This is what happened when I traveled. DH was supportive of me traveling for any reason, as he could handle dd. The "trail run" of a few days over the weekend went ok. When I got home, everyone was still alive and the house was still standing. I was gone for two nights. The real test was a mess. I was gone for three nights during the week. At about 3:30 in the morning on the second night I got a call from dh about what to do with dd as she had gone to bed and woke up at 11 and was still playing. After I got home, he was a basket case. House was a mess, he had basically skipped dinner for three night, and dd was never so happy to see me. Since that mess dh has vetoed all work trips that I have. That means that all next month my mom will be staying with us so I can do my job.
If you dh is that unsure of himself this early, call in a back-up parent. His mom, your mom, or a sister. That way he won't have a complete meltdown.