Feeling emotional and guilty - this passes, right?

nylagirl · July 2009

I'm 31 weeks and as I get closer to my scheduled c-section on September 8 I'm starting to feel guiltier and more emotional about the fact that DS #1 won't be my one and only little baby anymore. I feel like all I want to do is hold him and kiss him since these are our last moments before things really change.

This just happens to be coinciding with DS going through a really independent phase right now (which I know is great and I am encouraging it) where he is so "busy" running around and doing his own thing, so he's not as into this cuddling thing as I am!

So tell me this is normal...that I will love DS #2 as much as DS #1, that we will all adjust and there will be even more love to go around, that this is a gift I'm giving DS #1 -- a brother and a buddy -- not something awful that I'm doing TO him. You can also tell me to blame it on my hormones!

Any encouragement is really appreciated. I know I'm nuts right now. Thanks!

mrsain1105 · July 2009

Well, I just want to tell you that I already have those feelings of guilt. I'm also very excited and happy about this baby, but I think its normal to wonder how DC #1 will be affected by #2. I do think that giving a child a sibling is an incredible gift though.

NewzieMom · July 2009

I promise you will love them the same. I don't think you split your love it just grows when you have a second. My DS#1 absolutely loves having a little brother and I would not for a second take back having them so close together. I felt the same was as you but once I held DS#2 in my arms that all went a way. You're not nuts! Just a pregnant mom and sometimes it's hard to imagine loving to little bundles of joy that much.

jillybean222 · July 2009

It passes. I cannot even remember just having 1 and DD #1 can't remember being an only child. Strange how that happens b/c I recall feeling the feelings that you described...

Pesky · July 2009

You will adjust as will your DS. It is amazing how much you can love another child just as much as your first. I still keep special one on one time with DD, usually going to bed time, so we always have that. But she is growing accustomed to her baby brother and watching her stroke his head and shoulder gently and give him spontaneous kisses is simply the best. DH and I know from our own relationships with our siblings that this will be a great thing for her as she gets older.

mlf625 · July 2009

I already have those feelings! ?But when I do, I remind myself how wonderful this will be for DS. ?My brother is 9 years younger than me and my sister is 4.5 years younger- we're very close as adults but as a kid, I wanted a brother or sister close in age more than anything. ?So when I feel sad about DS having to share his mommy, I remind myself how much fun he'll have (usually!) with a sibling.

Hang in there, you don't sound nuts at all! ?I felt that way just before my c/s with DS because my PETS were going to have to share me. ?Now that's a little nutty. ?;)?

howleyshell · July 2009

nylagirl:
So tell me this is normal...that I will love DS #2 as much as DS #1, that we will all adjust and there will be even more love to go around, that this is a gift I'm giving DS #1 -- a brother and a buddy -- not something awful that I'm doing TO him. You can also tell me to blame it on my hormones!

Any encouragement is really appreciated. I know I'm nuts right now. Thanks!

For me this feeling lasted from BFP and culminated in holding my DS #1 like he was going to die if I let him go the entire night before my scheduled section for #2. (bawling the whole time I might add)

Of COURSE you love the child you can touch, feel, hold, and have known for over a year more than the one that barely requires your attention floating around in utero.

Then.... #2 was born.

And it all went away.

Yes... you love them both. Yes - your heart expands.

Your toddler is so young that he probably won't have jealousy issues.

Within a few weeks of being home you'll have a routine down and you'll learn how to juggle both of them.

Yes - there will be times when they're both crying and you'll have to choose which to attend to first. Those moments suck. There will be plenty of guilt if you choose to let it eat you up.

I will tell you though that a year and a half into the journey of 2 so close in age that neither of my kids will need therapy for the times I've tended to the other.

I will also tell you that hearing them tell each other "Lub ew brother" and "nighty night ***name***" will make every single moment of stress, worry, and guilt worth it a million times over. Hearing them play imaginary games together, tickle each other, and crack each other up at the dinner table will make your heart swell with joy and pride.

Hearing them say "No YOU farted" to each other non stop for 20 minutes? That part may make you wish for some more estrogen in your house but for the most part it's adorable to see them interact.

Hang in there.

What you're experiencing is normal IMO.

maz107 · July 2009

You are giving him the best gift ever, a friend for life!!! I felt the same way and now when I watch them together I get weepy, partly because I know they are going to be buddies and also because I know they are going to get into serious trouble together.

I am not going to lie, the first few weeks are going to be HARD. Try not to compare #2 with #1 too much. Most likely they are going to be completley different.

GL- you're only upset because you care so much and that's a good thing!!

Mr.&MrsS · July 2009

howleyshell:
nylagirl:

So tell me this is normal...that I will love DS #2 as much as DS #1, that we will all adjust and there will be even more love to go around, that this is a gift I'm giving DS #1 -- a brother and a buddy -- not something awful that I'm doing TO him. You can also tell me to blame it on my hormones!

Any encouragement is really appreciated. I know I'm nuts right now. Thanks!

For me this feeling lasted from BFP and culminated in holding my DS #1 like he was going to die if I let him go the entire night before my scheduled section for #2. (bawling the whole time I might add)

Of COURSE you love the child you can touch, feel, hold, and have known for over a year more than the one that barely requires your attention floating around in utero.

Then.... #2 was born.

And it all went away.

Yes... you love them both. Yes - your heart expands.

Your toddler is so young that he probably won't have jealousy issues.

Within a few weeks of being home you'll have a routine down and you'll learn how to juggle both of them.

Yes - there will be times when they're both crying and you'll have to choose which to attend to first. Those moments suck. There will be plenty of guilt if you choose to let it eat you up.

I will tell you though that a year and a half into the journey of 2 so close in age that neither of my kids will need therapy for the times I've tended to the other.

I will also tell you that hearing them tell each other "Lub ew brother" and "nighty night ***name***" will make every single moment of stress, worry, and guilt worth it a million times over. Hearing them play imaginary games together, tickle each other, and crack each other up at the dinner table will make your heart swell with joy and pride.

Hearing them say "No YOU farted" to each other non stop for 20 minutes? That part may make you wish for some more estrogen in your house but for the most part it's adorable to see them interact.

Hang in there.

What you're experiencing is normal IMO.

howleyshell, you always have the BEST advice!! With our due date coming so close I was starting to feel that way...I feel a lot better now!! )

mlf625 · July 2009

howleyshell- that was great. ?::tears::

HappyTXChick · July 2009

I could have written your exact same post several weeks ago. Don't worry. I cried and cried the morning we dropped DS off on our way to the hospital for my c-sec. DH was so confused, why I wasn't more excited to go meet our little girl. And I was excited, it was just so different and I felt such guilt for DS, and never dreamed I could love my DD as much. Well, it all changed in an instant when our princess was born. Our DS has adjusted well, I love them BOTH so much I could cry just thinking about it, and well... I won't go on b/c Howleyshell said it perfectly above!

mollyandmarcus · July 2009

My goodness, I'm only 13 weeks prego and I'm feeling the same! I can only imagine I will get worse as this pregnancy goes on. I really appreciate everyone's good advice and I feel so relieved! I just want to make sure I don't sacrifice anything with my DD #1 when our new little one arrives and I want to do the same for the new one.......whew, it's going to be so difficult for quite awhile!!

LauraandMatt · July 2009

I feel the same and now worse b/c I think I am having a girl (75% chance per ultrasound) and I feel like they will hate each other and won't be as close as 2 brothers would be. All of the boys I know hate their sisters...DS is just so innocent and I feel terrible for doing this to him, seemed like a good idea a few months ago, but now I am not so sure......

nylagirl · July 2009

Thank you everyone for your kind and heartfelt responses. I had to fight the tears as I read through all of your advice and encouragement. Every word helped.

And Howleyshell, although I mostly lurk more than I post, I am well aware that you have THE most awesome advice on this board. You are an incredible resource... you should write a book!

Thanks again, girls.

GettinNervous · July 2009

My younger one is almost 2, and I can't even remember the last time I had those feelings . . . probably when the younger one was under 3 months old. They play together now and are best buds. When I was on maternity leave, I felt as if I put more energy into #1 than #2.

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