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Blended Families
Meeting the Ex wife.
I posted this on TIP as well, they suggested I post here,
My boyfriend feels it's time to have me meet his ex wife. They have 3 kids together, and would make his life easier if we could know eachother. He still has a great relationship with her, they've remained good friends and she is still part of his family. He is trying to be as considerate as possible to her feelings, so he has no clue how to actually introduce us while making us both as comfortable as possible! I ahve spent time with all of the kids, and they knwo that we are dating. Any tips? Meet for dinner? Her house? With or without the kids? TIA!
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Re: Meeting the Ex wife.
Unless you have a ring on the finger and a wedding date set, I don't see why you would need to have this meeting.
To answer your question though, I would do it in a neutral setting and keep it light and only for a few minutes. If things go well, you can plan to meet for a dinner or something at a later date if that's what everyone wants to do.
I agree with the PP that there really is no reason that you need to meet her... While it is wonderful that your boyfriend is still good friends with her, you are just the girlfriend. Until you are engaged/married there is no reason to become friendly with her.
I wouldn't be inviting her to dinner or shopping... Maybe a quick pass when exchanging the kids? Or while you are in the car with your boyfriend a "hello" out the window.
I think just being there at a time when they are exchanging the kids and saying hi would suffice, whether you're married or not.
If I were in her shoes, I'd want to say hi and just meet you since you're spending time with my kids. The more responsibilities you take on with them, the more time you'll have to communicate with her as the opportunities arise naturally.
I can't imagine a drawn out meeting, like a dinner, would be comfortable or helpful.
I met my DH's ex when she came to his apt. to pick up their son.
He just introduced us and that was it. She got her son and they left. That was all that was necessary.
I agree with the other post's, I don't see now being the right time to meet his X. But if you still plan to, then don't do dinner, just do a hi and bye type thing, believe me it's awkward for everyone involved, so make it quick!
I attempted to reach out to SD's BM even though I knew she is mean and nasty and always talking trash about DH and I to SD, but I still wanted to make the effort. So after DH and I were married, and after he deployed for 6 months, I sent her an email to just introduce myself and give her my phone number and let her know I was available to watch SD for her any time while DH was deployed. That didn't go so well, mostly because BM is crazy. But an email could work for you maybe.
We had a very similiar "meeting" at SS's first football game after DH and I moved in together. It was definitely all that was necessary. I think anything more than that would have been very uncomfortable for everyone involved.
It sounds like he wants you to meet her as a friend rather than an ex-wife. People wear different hats in different relationships, and sometimes multiple hats to the same person.
Talk to him. If he wants you to meet her as his ex wife and mother of his children, then I think the meeting should be brief.. as others have mentioned, during a kid hand off would be perfect.
If he wants you to meet her as his friend and someone important in his life, and you're comfortable with that, then maybe coffee would work.
But I think the two "hats" are mutually exclusive. If he wants you to know her as his ex, then I don't think at this point it's reasonable to want the two of you to be friendly. If he wants you to think about starting a friendship with this woman, then I think no kids should be there and I'd even kind of steer clear of them in conversation.
Kind of an odd/complicated situation. I'd definitely talk with him about what his expectations are and what he wants to accomplish.
I met DH's "baby mama" when they exchanged. I hate saying it that way. Exchange, switching off. It all makes the kids sound like commodities.
But anyway, yeah. DH wanted me to meet her when I moved in, so that she knew who was around her daughter all the time. Actually, we all get along decently well. She has seen me and DD together, and she knows that I love her daughter very much and that DD loves me, too. So she has no problem with me.
If your boyfriend and his ex have remained friends, then personal feeings should be able to be se aside for th children. Just keep it quick, polite, and neutral. Just go with him when he picks the kids up from her. That should suffice.
If you and he think you're far enough into the relationship to meet the bio-mom, then by all means do so. He's not looking to have an "awkward moment" at any point between two women, who are important in his life, as someone he is very serious about (he wouldn't bring up meeting the ex, the bio-mom if he wasn't serious about the relationship) and the mother of his kids.
I agree with the PPs that it shouldn't be a long, drawn out meeting, but rather a friendly, short "X, this is Y" introduction with a little small talk as you're trading off the kids, enjoying a game or something in which you would have a common interest (you know, like the kids games
)
With regard to a few comments above, it doesn't matter the stage of the relationship. What matters more is the *state* of the relationship. If he's bringing up "it's time to meet the mom" then he's pretty serious, and living arrangements are of little or no concern. And really, he's remained friendly with her so that says something about both him and her and the importance they place on amicability and friendship, and you can thank your lucky stars (we hope) that he's got an ex you can hopefully find worthy of your friendship, or at least tolerance, as well. They've done something right in their relationship (and imo, he'd be a keeper if only for that) to be able to remain friendly, and they're both thinking it's important that you all get to know each other in the different roles you'll be playing, rather than "friendly enemies" like many divorced couples with children.
I have no idea why anyone would tell you that you need to be engaged to meet the ex. If your spending time with the kids then its time to meet her. Obviously the people who say that are the GF's come wives who would hate to think their DH would have marched any flavor of the month by the ex. I'm sure both you and your bf are viewing this relationship as a little more serious than that.
But I would definitely not do a dinner, that is to intense. The only thing in common you will have with her is him and the kids. You definitely do NOT want her telling you anything about him (when he was with her) OR laying down rules about the kids such as we do this, we do that etc etc. Also you will both be under pressure to keep the conversation going at all times.
I like the suggestion of a sports event or exchange. Short, courteous and sweet. The first time I met BM was early into our relationship, Fi was dropping me to the airport and we collected SS to take along for the drive. BM came out to the car CRYING. Thank god we did not do dinner.
Also do not under any circumstances go into this meeting feeling like you need to take the back seat, it is for her to meet you as much as you to meet her and you are both on equal footing. The meeting is to show you all have the kid?s best interest at heart and nothing more. Good luck!
Has he digested the possibility that the "good friends" part may change once she meets you? Have you digested that the "she's still part of his family" may mean your relationship with his fam is that much harder?
Phantom, I think they are saying, and I agree, that there is no reason to have a serious, organized meeting until one knows the relationship is heading for the permanent.
To the OP, I posted on TIP. But I'll repeat it here. A quick no mess introduction at pick up, drop off, a soccer game or dance practice will be sufficient. There really isn't that much that needs to be said at this point. This isn't a job interview, nor will it ever be. She's not selecting you, your bf is. Therefore, don't give the impression that she has some kind of say so by making it a pressure filled meeting. If the relationship is meant to progress beyond a polite hi and bye, it will do that on it's own, without the need for an indepth dinner.
Click me, click me!
If your boyfriend wants you to meet the mother of his children and thinks it's time...then it's time. Especially if you are in any way serious with him and spending significant time with their children.
I wouldn't make it into a big deal. A simple, brief meeting would suffice for now but do not make it into a big ordeal with dinner. Kids or no kids...I don't think it matters as long as it's kept to an appropriate conversation if they are present.
Amen